- An A-line skirt is a flattering silhouette
for your hourglass figure, but,
it's reading a little too sexy.
- Really?
- I mean, we could let the seam out an inch or two,
make it a little less form fitting, but,
those legs, I mean,
you just got those slut legs sticking out.
- How the (beep) do you know this much about fashion?
- You know I worked every summer
at my grandma's department store in St. Louis,
Lord and Bevers.
- Oh.
'Kay, mask down.
Mask up.
(clapping)
I don't know why I didn't try it on first.
(hip hop music)
I look too nice.
- You look really nice, yeah.
- No, I look like vanilla.
- Oh.
- Let's go shopping.
(fun upbeat music)
First one's fine I think.
- Yeah.
Your ass looks incredible.
- Okay.
- And your head and body, too.
- Thanks.
- But we all know who's the star of the show here.
- Ilana.
- That'll be $438.
- Whew, that's real there.
You know what?
It's good.
This is a great day.
Let me ask you a quick question.
What is your return policy?
- It's 30 days.
- I will see you in 30 days then.
- Bitch!
- You still need to sign the receipt.
- Okay.
Would love to do that.
Sorry about that communication mishap.
Okay.
(cool modern music)
- You know what's cool about this party?
We're the sexiest girls here
'cause we have like the fattest asses, you know.
Like we're the most (beep) able.
- Yeah, I mean, look at all these fashion sheep.
Basic bitches.
- I love your dress.
- Thank you so much. - That is so sweet.
- I literally just bought it.
- Oh, so cute.
(orchestral music)
- Damn!
I've never been to a restaurant this nice.
I've never even worked at a restaurant this nice.
I read their molten lava cake is life changing.
Perfect for your birthday.
- Oprah says that your birthday dictates
the kind of year you're about to have.
I haven't eaten a thing in the past 36 hours
in order to be able to like really stuff myself
with as much expensive food as possible.
It's gonna raise my market value like so much.
I'm gonna have a high, high end year.
- I've been overeating this week and then
emptying myself with laxatives.
It's been working really well, too well.
My underwear is filled.
- Good evening, mademoiselles.
- Hey.
- Enchanté, monsieur.
- My dad, my father figure, has made a reservation
under Abbi Abrams for two.
I believe his payment card should be on file.
We are on celebration
for my birthday.
- Oh, how wonderful.
May I take your coats?
- Please do.
Here you go.
- Would you care to keep your jacket, madam?
It looks like you may be cold.
- I'm perfect.
Loving the temp.
- You look amazing. - You look amazing.
- Stop it.
- Gimme a spin. - I feel amazing.
- Gimme a spin. - A little bit.
- Ooh, ooh!
Love it.
So, I know that Beezy, Beyonce and Jay-Z, ate here recently
and we would really love to be seated at their table.
- Of course you would.
- I like him. - Yeah.
Every once in a while, I like a finger.
- Amen.
Nose, vagina, butthole.
If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there,
then why did she make them perfectly finger sized.
- Exactly, that's what they're for.
- And here's your amuse-bouche.
Enjoy it, ladies.
- Your 26th year is starting off so badass
it is blowing my mind.
- It is, right?
I had slightly above average sex last night,
which for me, you know, is incredible sex.
- For most.
You know what?
To Doug, for turning you out.
(glasses clink)
- I planned it so that we were doing it
at the stroke of midnight as I turned 26.
- You have given yourself a truly spiritual
sexual experience.
- You know, I just feel like really good inside.
You know what, I gotta pee.
Be right back.
- And how is everything so far?
- So delicious.
I just want to thank you for your service
and your joie de
zhuzh.
- Oh, well it's my pleasure.
- Ours too as well.
- Mm, so soft.
(water plops)
(dramatic music)
I just peed out
a condom.
- Name?
- Hello.
I am Abbi Abrams, thank you.
- A.
Nope.
Nope, no, no, no.
I don't see it.
It's Abbi with an "I."
- Nope.
- How are you possibly reading all the names?
You're going so fast.
- I just, this is my space, so just please.
- Okay. - Thank you.
Oh!
There it is. - Yes.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Thank you so much. - No worries.
- But it's not plus three, so.
- Okay.
I have an assistant and they called.
Chrissy, did you not call to change the confirmation
like I asked you to?
Did you mess up my plans
once again and not call to change?
- I'm so sorry, I forgot.
We're trying to get on the boat.
This is an important business boat meeting and--
- Just please don't hit me in front of everybody.
- You know what?
Your mom died two weeks ago, Chrissy!
- [Hostess] Okay.
- Get your (beep) together!
- Okay, guys. - I'm so sorry.
- No, it's fine. - No, it's not okay!
- You guys, just get on the boat.
Just get on the boat.
- All right. - I don't care.
- You know what, we'll deal with this later.
- I don't care.
- Okay, thank you.
- I want to give this to you.
Bye-bye, balloons.
Wait up!
♪ Cha-cha cha-cha cha-cha ♪
♪ Cha-cha cha-cha cha ♪
(upbeat, modern music)
(singing in foreign language)
(laughter)
- Yeah.
- It's fantastic, though.
- So you have like a full blown family.
How old is your daughter?
- Well, she was born in Q3 of oh 12.
So she's 11 quarters old.
♪ Let 'em say what they gonna say ♪
♪ They gone feel how they gonna feel ♪
♪ And I love it ♪
♪ I love it ♪
♪ And baby you, ooh, you should too ♪
- You know what would be really nuts?
I was thinking maybe we could split an app
or like get a charcuterie plate,
but I don't think we need to do anything too crazy.
The dress.
- Ugh and here is my best friend and her mother.
They are my lucky charms this evening.
- Well, keep 'em close.
You're gonna need 'em.
- There's my favorite ass.
Joanne. - Oh!
- Look at you.
Joanne!
Oh my goodness! - Pretty girl.
Hi.
- Whoa, mama.
You look so hot.
Your body is amazing, dude.
- Really?
- You are an AMILF.
Abbi's mom I'd like to--
- Friend!
Friends.
- [Joanne] Friends.
- Yeah, friends.
Just friends. - Yeah.
- Well, let me take you to your table before I
do something really weird.
- [Abbi] To the table.
- Whoa, Ab.
What's up with that outfit?
Confused.
- I'm going on a date.
- All right, girl.
Dish the deets.
I know the person?
Anybody I know?
Who is it?
- Okay.
Yeah, you know, you know him.
- Who?
Who?
Who, who, who, who, who?
- I'm like embarrassed about it.
I'm not, I'm not embarrassed about it,
but I've been in denial about it.
Like I haven't even told Ilana.
- Ooh.
Am I at the farmer's market?
'Cause this is so juicy.
- Okay. - Like a peach.
The white peaches at the farmer's market.
- Okay, it's Trey.
(bag crumples)
- My Trey?
- Well.
- Why would you be embarrassed?
I mean, I'm obviously straight,
but I would absolutely suck him dry.
- Okay.
Thanks so much, Bevers.
- It's been so-- - No, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good.
So what are we trying to say with this outfit?
- I don't know.
I just need the look to say that I want to be
sex friends only.
- All right, got it.
Let's figure something out that's gonna let you
maintain that status quo.
- Okay.
- Before we get started, can you give me some dick deets?
♪ Bad bitch ♪
- Mask up.
- The empire waste is reading very Mormon.
You're begging have his babies.
Let's move on.
Ugh, next.
- What?
- Don't waste my time.
- [Abbi] Mask up.
- An A-line skirt is a flattering silhouette
for your hourglass figure, but,
it's reading a little too sexy.
- Really?
- I mean, we could let the seam out an inch or two,
make it a little less form fitting, but,
those legs.
I mean, you just got those slut legs sticking out.
- How the (beep) do you know this much about fashion?
- You know, I worked every summer
at my grandma's department store in St. Louis,
Lord and Bevers.
- Oh.
'Kay, mask down.
Mask up.
(clapping)
I don't know why I didn't try it on first.