Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.
Over the past week, he's been fighting back
against multiple sexual assault allegations,
and last night, he did something
that no Supreme Court nominee has ever done before.
He went on TV to reassure the nation
that he is not a sexual predator.
I've never sexually assaulted anyone.
Not in high school, not ever.
Uh, I've always treated women with dignity and respect.
I've always treated women with dignity and respect.
What I know is
I've always treated women with dignity and respect.
We get it. Dignity and respect.
This guy's repeating that phrase like it's a vodka brand
that pays him for product mentions.
"Whenever I'm at a prep school party,
I always treat women with... dignity and respect."
(laughter)
Now don't get me wrong.
I think everyone should be treating women
with dignity and respect.
I just don't buy it when Kavanaugh says
that he's always treated women with dignity and respect.
And I say that because his yearbook says otherwise.
The New York Times reporting that one of the dozens of women
who signed a letter to senators supporting Kavanaugh
has now learned he sexually demeaned her
in his Georgetown Prep School yearbook.
Renate Dolphin, then Renate Schroeder,
attended a nearby Catholic girls school.
Kavanaugh included her name in the phrase "Renate Alumnius"
in his yearbook entry.
Now, two of Kavanaugh's classmates told the Times
that student athletes often mentioned Renate
as part of boasting about supposed conquests.
Renate released a statement to The New York Times
saying, in part:
Yeah. So, in his yearbook, Kavanaugh went out of his way
to portray this woman as "the village bicycle,"
by implying that him and all of his football teammates
had slept with her.
Like, you can't do that and say that you've always treated women
with dignity and respect.
Right? It's like if type-2 diabetes tweeted:
#BlackLivesMatter. No.
No, Mr. Diabetes, your track record says otherwise.
-(laughter) -And I want to be honest,
I'm gonna be honest, as a man, I haven't always treated women
with dignity and respect, so I'm not trying
to throw the first stone.
What I'm saying, though, is Kavanaugh is trying way too hard
to convince everyone that not only did he not assault anyone,
he's always been a living saint.
When I was in high school,
and I went to a all-boys Catholic high school,
a Jesuit high school, where I was focused
on academics and athletics, going to church every Sunday
at Little Flower,
working on my service projects and friendships.
See, that's where I call "bullshit," all right?
Either you were a kid who focused on service projects,
or you had friends.
-(laughter) -It's never both.
-(applause, whooping) -You got to choose.
And the thing is, and the thing is,
we know that in his yearbook, Kavanaugh says that he was part
of the 100 Kegs or Bust club,
we know that his college roommate says
that he was regularly drunk and belligerent,
or, as it's known in college, "normal."
But it seems like Kavanagh is so desperate to get this gig
that he's willing to say anything, and I mean anything.
I've never sexually assaulted anyone.
I did not have sexual intercourse
or anything close to sexual intercourse
in high school or for many years thereafter,
and the girls, uh, from the schools I went to and I,
-uh, were friends... -So you're saying that all...
through all these years that are in question,
-you were a virgin? -That's correct.
Never had sexual intercourse with anyone in high school?
-Correct. -And through what years in college?
Since we're probing into your personal life there.
Many years after. I'll leave it at that.
(laughter)
Man, life comes at you fast.
A week ago, this guy was cruising
to a lifetime on the Supreme Court,
and now he's on TV like, "I was a virgin
"well into adulthood, okay?
"Is that what you want to hear?
Have I embarrassed myself enough for you?!"
And she's like, "So you were a virgin?"
"I just told you I was a virgin!"
"But, like, a virgin?" "Yeah, I was a virgin!"
-(applause) -So...
that's the latest...
that's the latest on the Brett Kavanaugh story.
We've gone from "I never sexually assaulted anyone"
to "I was a virgin for most of my life."
For more on this development,
we turn to our chief Supreme Court analyst,
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
(cheering, applause)
-Hello. -Dulcé...
Hi, friend.
What do you... what do you make of these new developments?
Trevor, this whole situation has become messier than my purse
when I try to sneak spaghetti into the movie theater.
And don't judge me. Ten dollars for popcorn? No.
I can make that shit at home.
But my saucy handbag aside,
it's become clearer and clearer every day
that the Republican Party needs to find a replacement nominee.
So you think these sexual assault allegations
-are disqualifying? -Yes, Trevor.
But I think that being a virgin is also disqualifying.
(laughter, applause)
I don't want no virgin on the Supreme Court!
A virgin deciding our reproductive rights?
Are you serious? How are you gonna tell a college girl
what to do with her vagina when you never met college vagina?
(cheering, applause)
I mean...
Trevor, would you want someone deciding on healthcare
who's never seen a doctor?
No, you want someone who's had sex with a doctor.
(laughter, cheering)
Only doctors.
You know, getting that full coverage.
-(laughter) -I don't even know what that means.
-Yes, you do. -But-but Judge Kavanaugh said
he was a virgin then.
He's not a virgin now.
How you know? You sleep with him?
Well, not yet, but I know he's not a virgin.
I mean, he has kids.
Plenty of people got kids, Trevor.
Michael Jackson had kids.
And we all know he wasn't "shamoanin'" anybody's...
(mimics Jackson's singing): ♪ Hoo-hoo. ♪
No. No.
(cheers and applause)
Give me 15 minutes, I can get you a kid.
20 if you want twins.
You ask me, that man's still a virgin.
So your biggest issue here is his virginity?
I got three issues:
His stance on women's rights, strike one.
The sexual assault allegations, strike two.
And this fool being a virgin? Uh-uh, you're out.
(cheers and applause)
Mm-mm.
Look, I don't want a sexual predator,
but I also don't want a virgin, okay?
I want that Goldilocks judge.
You know, just right.
I see. So you want a Supreme Court judge
who's getting laid, but consensually.
Mm-hmm. You know, like Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
(cheers and applause)
Dulcé Sloan, everybody!