- I'ma level with y'all up top,
I've lost some weight over the last year,
and I still have a lot of jokes about being fat
and I'm losing weight faster than I can write new jokes.
(audience laughing)
It's actually a real problem in my career right now.
I said to my wife, I said,
"I'm doing this big show in New York.
I don't know if these fat jokes are still gonna work."
My wife was like, "Yeah, I think you're still good.
I think...
(audience laughing)
I mean, I don't think we're there yet,
but let's keep an eye on it, how about that?"
(audience laughing)
So my name is Aaron. That's my name, Aaron.
But if I have to give my name at a restaurant,
or like a Starbucks, I always give a fake name.
I always say Doug.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if I look like a Doug. All right.
(audience laughing)
That's not even why I do it.
I say Aaron wrong, I think.
I have to repeat Aaron every time.
Every time I say Aaron, they're like, "Eric?"
That never happens with Doug.
I'm batting a thousand with Doug, man.
I've said Doug a million times,
they're never like "Trug," you know?
So it's the only name that sounds like Doug.
I was at a sandwich shop in Iowa not long ago.
The cashier is very friendly.
She goes, "Can I get a name for your order?"
I don't even think anymore. That's how often I lie.
I'll go, "Yeah, my name's Doug."
She was like, "Ooh, you have an accent.
Where are you from?"
I said, "I'm from Alabama," which is true.
I grew up in Alabama.
I've lived in Tennessee for 15 years now,
but she didn't ask for my whole life story,
so I'll just give her the bullet points, right?
I'm Doug from Alabama.
That's who I am in this sandwich shop.
So we start chatting, and listen, I'm married.
We weren't flirting.
There is friendship in the air, do you know what I mean?
I was killing it, to be honest with you.
You ever bond with a stranger
you'll never see ever again in your life?
It's fun. We talked about life and love and happiness.
We connected, right?
So I get to the end, she's made my sandwich,
and she goes, "Hey Doug, I enjoyed chatting with you today."
And I was like, "Wow, I enjoyed chatting with you."
She goes, "Whenever you're ready, it's $9.18.
I said, "Great." I pull out my credit card.
(audience laughing)
Apparently y'all's works the same way mine does,
has my legal name on the front,
which is not Doug, it's Aaron Weber.
She goes, well, "You told me your name was Doug."
I go, "Well, it's my middle name,
(audience laughing)
and I just go by Doug, but my middle name's Doug."
She was like, "Your middle name's Doug?
Your card says Aaron J. Weber on it."
I was like, "Oh yeah,
my mom spelled it wrong on the birth certificate, you know?
We are from Alabama, you know?
Can't spell down there. I'm JuDoug, technically.
That's what my family calls me.
I don't wanna tell you the whole story, but I'm JuDoug."
She says, "Okay, JuDoug, do you have an ID on you
with the same name as this?
I can't just swipe this card with a different name.
Do you have an ID?"
I go, "Yeah, I gotcha."
I take out my driver's license,
which I realize is a Tennessee driver's license.
I mean, my entire life story collapsed in five seconds.
I'm a totally different person.
When I walked in, I was Doug from Alabama, right?
Now, I'm Aaron from Tennessee, a pathological liar
getting an Italian BMT at 10:00 AM,
that's a whole different situation.
(audience laughing)
I felt horrible 'cause we bonded, right?
"I just, gotta be honest with you,
my name is not Doug, I just say that.
I don't even know why."
(audience laughing)
And she goes, "Can I be honest with you?"
I was like, "I guess."
She goes, "I did not enjoy chatting with you today."
(audience laughing)
I thought we had something. That's okay.
The whole thing backfired.
Trying to save her some time, be a good person.
It backfires, you know?
There's a homeless guy in Nashville I see all the time.
I've become friends with him.
We chat like every day I see him,
and every now and then he'll ask for money
and if I got it, I'll give it to him.
This was a few weeks ago.
He asked if I had any change.
And I said, "I only have a 10."
So I was like, "Tell you what, dude, I only got a 10,
but you take this $10, go to that gas station,
buy me a Milky Way bar, bring it back to me.
You can keep the change."
I think it's a pretty good deal,
(audience laughing)
because I'm a Christian, I want to help people,
(audience laughing)
but I'm Catholic so I want 'em to earn it, so...
(audience laughing)
So I give him the 10, he runs off, he comes back immediately
with two Milky Way bars and he hands 'em to me,
and I was like, "What are you doing, man?
I only wanted one.
You could have had more change to keep."
He goes, "Ah, I don't sweat it, I stole 'em both,"
and then ran off.
(audience laughing)
Now I'm just holding stolen goods
in front of the gas station.
He said it like he was doing me a favor too.
"I could have just stole you one.
I hooked you up, you know?"
So now I got two Milky Way bars.
What do I, I ate both of them, you know I did.
(audience laughing)
I gotta lay off the candy. Now I have sleep apnea.
I have to wear a CPAP machine, and my doctor,
when he diagnosed me, he goes, "Don't worry.
You know, not everyone that has sleep apnea.
Sleep apnea is not always weight related."
(audience laughing)
Thanks.
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Was it weight related with me?"
He was like, "Oh yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure."
(audience laughing)
I like telling people I have sleep apnea.
There's nothing to say.
You're not concerned or surprised, so it's just,
I get a lot of all right, that's...
I like that. There's nothing to say.
I was on a plane once, sometimes I fly with it in, like,
a special case and the guy sat down next to me and he goes,
"What is that?"
I go, "It's a CPAP machine. I have sleep apnea."
And he just goes, "Keep trucking," you know?
I'll be honest, that was, like, oddly powerful.
I think about that a lot.
That was three years ago.
Do you know how many times a week I tell myself
to keep trucking?
Five to six times a week, I do.
I used to be more active. I played football growing up.
I played football for the YMCA. That was our league.
That was all we had.
If you wanna play football,
you played for the Y in your neighborhood.
That's how they divvied up the kids.
You played for the YMCA closest to your house.
So what that means in Montgomery, Alabama, where I grew up,
is that some teams are all white,
(audience member laughing loudly)
and...
(audience laughing)
Yeah, some teams are all white,
and some teams are incredible, dude, that's what happened.
It was the most lopsided football I've ever seen in my life.
Every game is 85-0. It's a bloodbath out there.
(audience laughing)
I don't think I ever won a game,
but I built some character, you know?
I'm still a big sports fan.
I collect baseball cards, you know?
I'm 31 years old, so I'm pretty cool.
(audience laughing)
My wife hates it.
A, that I do it, B, that I'm telling you about it right now.
My wife said, "Aaron, every time a padded eBay envelope
shows up in the mailbox, I lose a little respect for you."
(audience laughing)
I was like, "Don't be here tomorrow.
Tomorrow's a big day for me, actually, yeah.
If you could leave town for a few weeks, that'd be great."
2020 was crazy. Baseball cards blew up.
You couldn't find baseball cards anywhere.
I was at a Walmart, just empty shelves.
So I find an employee, I go, "Hey, ma'am,
do you have any baseball cards in stock?"
And this woman goes, "No. You know why?
'Cause every Thursday morning when we get 'em,
a bunch of fat, grown men come in and buy 'em all."
I was like, "Wow, I hate those guys, dude.
Did you say Thursday morning though?
That's when, all right. All right, that's good to know."
I want to defend baseball cards a little bit,
'cause in the same aisle
that I'm looking for baseball cards,
there's a dude my age, like, buying Pokemon cards,
and we made eye contact and he was like,
"Hey, we're doing the same thing."
And I was like, "No, neither of us are cool,
but there are levels to this for sure."
(audience laughing)
He's like, "What's the difference?"
"Well, there's a human being on mine.
That's a heck of a place to start.
Mine's rooted in reality, you know?"
I got into it with this guy.
I was like, "You know how real a baseball card is, dude?
My favorite player growing up
was a guy named Chipper Jones, okay?
I loved Chipper Jones as a kid.
Now was an adult, I have a Chipper Jones card
autographed by Chipper Jones.
The guy on it signed it.
Do you have a card autographed by Jigglypuff?
Let me see that."
All right, you guys have been so much fun.
Thank y'all for being here. Appreciate you.
(audience cheering)