"Dear Shadeen, I'm in my early 30s, and for the past year, I've been in a relationship with the most wonderful man."
"I often struggle with vaginismus"
"And once he is inside, certain positions really hurt."
"Is there anything that we can do to try and overcome this?"
First of all, what is vaginismus?
Yeah. So vaginismus is an involuntary tightening of the vaginal, vaginal muscles.
And so it can make sex really painful or uncomfortable,
penetrative sex in particular.
And what should this woman do?
Yeah. And so there are a number of things.
If the vaginismus is tied to experiences of trauma. Right.
So our bodies can react to trauma by closing off, shutting down.
It's a protective response and or anxiety. Right.
So I'm feeling really emotionally overwhelmed.
I'm feeling like there's some form of danger.
Or pressure to have sex even sometimes.
[Shadeen] Right. Right.
That that can trigger some of that involuntary contraction.
And so doing the relational or emotional work around that might help sort of settle the reactions in the body.
But if it's, you know, purely physiological.
There are some products that can be really helpful.
One that I really love to recommend to folks is the Ohnut.
And so it's like a silicone sleeve. They're in the shape of rings.
And they are stackable such that they act as a sort of buffer for penetration.
So if you think about if this is anything that could be inserted to a finger, a penis, a toy,
The Ohnut goes over top and stacks in rings such that the depth of penetration is lessened.
Right. Because the contraction that's painful is typically just on the inside.
So like the first sort of two or three inches. Right.
And so you can get inside for a lot of folks. Some folks, it's so painful. Right?
Actually, penetration at all is a no go.
But to make it more shallow can make sex more comfortable
for a person whose body might be spasming or seizing.
So it's not the entrance. It's actually further inside that vaginismus often
It can be at at any point. Right.
It's it's going to be towards the entrance.
Towards the entrance.
So some folks can.
And where does the Ohnut? Where's the Ohnut?
The Ohnut is going to be on the penetrating object.
So penis, toy.
Is it on the top or on the bottom?
So you push it down towards the base and then you stack them until you're at the desired sort of depth of penetration.
So for partners who are wearing this, if this is a penis, right,
that it feels it can feel really comfortable.
It's not it's not tight for most folks.
It feels like being inside.
Fascinating.
So you have the Ohnut. That's one thing you like.
What is another product that you like?
Because I feel like this is something I've heard of a million times from women.
And they don't know why and their gynecologists don't know why.
What are some other things that help?
Pelvic floor therapy can be helpful for some folks.
Working with a PT that specializes in vaginismus or sexual or pelvic pain
can be a really great way to learn some tools or techniques.
But again, the the spasming is involuntary.
And truthfully, we don't really know always what is causing it.
There is some new research around CBD that might be helpful.
I know once upon a time, folks were using, like, numbing agents.
And for me, that, yeah, the face is also my feelings.
I worry about numbing your body parts for something like penetration because
then you can't tell what's happening and you want to be able to feel if something is off or uncomfortable.
But there is some promising research around CBD,
As in to use it as a lubrication or to just?
Yeah. That that might be able to sort of lessen that quick firing.
Most of the research has been about like topical.
So like creams or ointments or lube containing CBD.
Folks are starting to think about what like vaping or smoking or tinctures might do to like, relax the body.
Overall, things are inconclusive.
But I say it just to let folks know that
Progress is on the way.
People are still are still interested.
Yeah, and that
you are one of many, many people.
I'm sure you must hear about this all the time.
Yeah.
You know, folks often feel like they're the only one.
But it's it's common.
And they carry so much shame around it.
It's the same with men who cannot, you know, attain an erection.
Or maintain an erection.
Yeah.
"Dear Shadeen, I'm 26 years old and I've never been in a relationship or even had feelings for someone in that way."
"I'm starting to think that I won't ever be comfortable enough to let anyone in like that."
"I'm confused if I'm even capable of those feelings."
"Is this normal?"
So what this person might be describing is some form of asexuality. Right?
Acknowledging that "I haven't felt that before."
And I don't know if they're feeling pressured to feel that.
I know that we live in a culture that really centers relationships as like a developmental milestone.
That like the point at which you, like, have your first crush or have your first, you know, romantic partner or like get married.
Also all the music and all the films and all the media and all the magazine and the advertisements.
Parents, friends. It's everywhere.
It's everywhere, this expectation that we're all supposed to, like, buddy up and like, do that forever.
And we're incomplete alone.
Right. And so, you know,
if this person were to cancel out all of the messages,
do they feel good and comfortable with who they are and sort of the way they live their life?
And if the answer is yes, then
my hope for them would be that they would be able to honor that,
and if they're really feeling called to, "no that's something that I really want, I really want to experience."
right, then I would encourage them to think about small ways that they could even just expand their relationship network.
It doesn't have to be immediately romantic or romantic at all. Right.
What would it be like to be vulnerable with another person who might develop into like a close friend? Right.
That they had asked part of a question was about, you know,
"opening myself up and really being able to connect with someone on a certain level."
And that doesn't have to be about a romantic partnership.