WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW"."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO DAY THREE OF HEALTH CARE PLAN
TWO, REPEAL AND REVENGE.
THIS TIME IT'S REPUBLICAN.
IT TOOK THE G.O.P. FOREVER TO RELEASE THIS THING.
THEY'RE THE GEORGE R.R. MARTINS OF HEALTHCARE.
AND JUST LIKE IN "GAME OF THRONES," A LOT OF YOUR FAVORITE
CHARACTERS WILL DIE WITHOUT WARNING.
THE BILL CAME OUT THREE DAYS AGO.
IT WAS ACTUALLY ON MONDAY THEY ACTUALLY RELEASED THE THING.
THE BILL ALREADY HAS ENEMIES ON ALL SIDES.
THE CONSERVATIVE FREEDOM CAUCUS OPPOSES IT AND SO DOES
REPUBLICAN RAND PAUL.
>> YOU COMING OUT AGAINST IT, SOME OF YOUR COLLEAGUES ALREADY
COMING OUT AGAINST THE HOUSE REPUBLICAN PLAN, IS THIS
PROPOSAL DEAD?
>> YES, IT'S DEAD ON ARRIVAL.
>> Stephen: AND RAND PAUL KNOWS DEAD ON ARRIVAL.
BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT WAS HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- ♪ ♪ ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHATEVER THIS IS.
WHATEVER-- WHATEVER THAT THING UP THERE IS, TOO.
BUT LAST NIGHT, LAST NIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS ALL IN.
HE SAID HE LIKES THE PLAN.
>> THIS WILL BE A PLAN WHERE YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR DOCTOR.
THIS WILL BE THE PLAN WHERE YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR PLAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE PLAN IS: THIS IS THE PLAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ADDING, "PLAN, PLAN,
PLAN, PLAN.
PLAN, SAD, PLAN."
THIS IS HOW COMMIT THE DONALD TRUMP IS--
HE MET IN PRIVATE WITH G.O.P.
HOUSE MEMBERS AND TOLD THEM THAT IF THEY DON'T GET THEIR WORK
TOGETHER, IF THEY DON'T ACTUALLY PASS THIS BILL, THE MIDTERM
ELECTION COULD BE-- QUOTE-- "A BLOODBATH."
WHICH WOULD BE TERRIBLE, BECAUSE THEIR HEALTH PLAN DOESN'T COVER
BLOODBATH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AGAIN, "GAME OF THRONES."
"GAME OF THRONES."
AT TODAY'S PRESS BRIEFINGS, SEAN SPICER WAS ASKED WHETHER THE
G.O.P. CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WHO MIGHT LOSE THEIR
HEALTH CARE UNDER THE NEW PLAN.
>> THE INDIVIDUALS INVOLVED IN THE HEALTH CARE SITUATION RIGHT
NOW, CAN THEY REALLY HAVE THE KIND OF SYMPATHY AND EMPATHY FOR
INDIVIDUALS WHO MAY NOT BENEFIT NEARLY AS MUCH WHEN THEY'RE
NEGOTIATING ALL THESE PLANS, SEAN?
>> IN WHAT RESPECT?
>> YOU'RE FINE.
YOU'RE COVERED.
>> FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT FINE.
>> Stephen: WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT FINE, SEAN.
THAT'S SELF-EVIDENT.
BUT LETS STAY FOCUSED ON HEALTHCARE.
AND SPICER INSISTED HE COULD EMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WORRIED
ABOUT THEIR HEALTH CARE.
>> THAT'S LIKE SAYING BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB, I CAN'T BE
EMPATHETIC TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE A JOB.
>> Stephen: YOU MIGHT HAVE EMPATHY SOONER THAN YOU
THINK, SEAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND-- THAT'S WHAT I HEAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) POSSIBLE?
AND SEAN SPICER LAID OUT HOW THE PLAN WOULD APPEAL TO THE 18-35
DEMOGRAPHIC.
>> 27- TO 28-YEAR-OLD INDIVIDUALS DON'T NEED CARE.
THAT'S FOR FOLKS, YOU KNOW, THAT TALKS ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS, THAT
A PLAN THAT HAS CERTAIN THINGS THAT ARE TOWARDS THE END OF
LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH.
YOU DON'T BUY THINGS HAVING TO DO WITH THE END OF LIFE UNTIL
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO DIE.
( LAUGHTER ) JUST LIKE I DON'T BUY FLOOD
INSURANCE UNTIL THE WATER IS PAST MY GROIN.
BUT EVEN WITH DONALD TRUMP'S BACKING, IT'S A TOUGH ROAD
AHEAD, BECAUSE THE PLAN WILL RAISE PREMIUMS FOR SOME ELDERLY
PEOPLE AND IMPACT MEDICARE.
AND NOW IT'S OPPOSED BY THE A.A.R.P.
YOU FOOLS!
YOU'VE AWAKENED...
THE ANCIENT ONES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FOR MONTHS-- FOR MONTHS NOW, THE ELDERS HAVE SLUMBERED AFTER
SENDING ONE OF THEIR OWN TO LEAD US.
BUT NOW THEY STIR, ROUSED BY A THREAT TO THE HEALTHCARE THEY
CHERISH.
OF COURSE THIS WOULD SUMMON THEM.
THEY KEEP TRACK OF THE DAYS OF THE WEEK USING PILLS!
AND NOW THEY ARE ANGERED AND ENERGIZED BY SOUP AND EARLY-
MORNING MALL WALKS.
DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'RE THE ONES WHO VOTE!
THEY GUARD THE BOOTHS AND CONTROL THE STICKER SUPPLY.
SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE, THEY'RE VOTING RIGHT NOW!
( LAUGHTER ) AND, OH, YOU WILL RUE THIS
TRESPASS, FOR THE ANCIENT ONES HAVE NOTHING BUT ANGER AND FREE TIME.
EXCEPT SUNDAYS AT 8:00, WHEN ME-TV BROADCAST "COLUMBO."
YOUR ONLY HOPE IS TO PASS THE BILL AROUND 4:00 P.M., WHEN THEY
GET DROWSY AFTER DINNER.
OF COURSE, HEALTHCARE'S IMPORTANT, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO
TRUMP, ALL ROADS LEAD BACK TO MOSCOW.
MOST OF THE CONTROVERSY HAS SWIRLED RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR AND
PILLSBURY DIPLOMAT, SERGEY KISLYAK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN FACT, DESPITE CLAIMING ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT OF ANY
KIND, BY THE LATEST TALLY, "AT LEAST
FIVE MEMBERS OF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN TEAM HAD CONTACT WITH KISLYAK
BEFORE TRUMP TOOK OFFICE."
BUT THEY INSIST THE CONTACT WAS STRICTLY UNDER THE SHIRT, OVER
THE CONSTITUTION.
MY QUESTION IS WHY DOES THIS AMBASSADOR KISLYAK KEEP
POPPING UP EVERYWHERE?
HE LOOKS SO FAMILIAR.
WAIT A SECOND.
JIMMY, PUT UP ELLEN'S SELFIE FROM THE OSCARS A FEW YEARS AGO.
THERE HE IS!
RIGHT BETWEEN JULIA ROBERTS AND BRAD PITT!
AND NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, PUT UP THE OPENING OF "THE BRADY
BUNCH."
HE'S JAN!
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN-- JAN ALWAYS GETS OVERLOOKED.
RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA!
WAIT, HOLD ON A SECOND.
NOW THEY THINK OF IT.
PUT UP THE FLAG RAISING AT IWO JIMA.
OH, MY GOD.
HE'S NOT EVEN HELPING.
OF COURSE, TRUMP'S NUMBER ONE CONCERN RIGHT NOW IS SECURING
OUR BORDERS, AND WE FINALLY KNOW HOW HE'S GOING TO PAY FOR IT
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE OFFICE OF MANAGEMENT AND BUDGET, TRUMP
PLANS "DEEP CUTS IN AIRPORT AND RAIL SECURITY."
THAT IS SHOCKING-- THERE'S SUCH A THING AS RAIL SECURITY?
IF SO, THEY SHOULD INVESTIGATE AMTRAK BATHROOMS.
THOSE THINGS LOOK LIKE A CRIME SCENE.
BUT WHEN IT COMES TO CUTBACKS, "THE COAST GUARD WOULD BEAR THE
BRUNT, SEEING ITS BUDGET CUT BY $1.3 BILLION."
THE COAST GUARD?
WHO DOES TRUMP THINK PROTECTS THE WATERS AROUND MAR-A-LAGO,
LASER-SITED MANATEES ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
MAYBE SO.
I PAY TAX DOLLARS.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE MY TAX DOLLARS GO TO THAT.
TRUMP'S PAYING FOR HIS IMMIGRATION PROGRAM BY CUTTING
FUNDS TO THE COAST GUARD, AIRPORT AND RAIL SECURITY.
GREAT.
SO WE'RE FIND AS LONG AS NOBODY TRIES TO GET IN BY SEA,
AIR, OR LAND.
TRUMP'S BUDGET ALSO "CUTS 11% IN SPENDING FROM THE T.S.A."
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
IT'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
THEY'RE GOING TO DO MORE WITH LESS, BECAUSE THE T.S.A. HAS
ANNOUNCED THEY'RE GOING TO START DOING "MORE INVASIVE PHYSICAL
PAT-DOWNS."
"MORE" INVASIVE?
DID THEY FIND A NEW HOLE?
>> Jon: WHOA!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: A LOT OF PEOPLE
APPLAUDING FINDING A NEW HOLE OUT THERE.
LONELY PEOPLE.
THE T.S.A. HASN'T TOLD US MUCH ABOUT THE NEW PAT-DOWN, BUT THEY
ARE SAYING IT "WILL INVOLVE INTIMATE CONTACT" WITH
"SENSITIVE AREAS, SUCH AS BREASTS, GROIN, AND THE
BUTTOCKS."
THEY'RE PUTTING THE "T" AND "A" BACK IN T.S.A.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS HOW INTIMATE IT'S GOING
TO GET: "THE T.S.A. IS WARNING LOCAL POLICE IN CASE ANYONE
CALLS TO REPORT AN 'ABNORMAL' FEDERAL FRISKING."
ALL RIGHT.
SO BEFORE YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR TICKET,
YOUR PHOTO I.D., AND YOUR SAFE WORD.
OKAY, JUST SOMETHING THAT YOU WOULDN'T YELL OUT IN A MOMENT OF
PLEASURE, OKAY, LIKE DONALD TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) OR PUMPKIN PATCH.
NOW, WE STILL DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT IF YOU WANT ALL
THE DETAILS, YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT IN THE T.S.A.'S NEW
GUIDELINES, "FIFTY SHADES OF SAFE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THERE IS A SILVER LINING.
FOR THE PEOPLE ABOUT TO LOSE THEIR HEALTHCARE, JUST GO TO
LAGUARDIA, AND YOU CAN GET A FREE PROSTATE EXAM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.