>> Stephen: THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE EXCITED.
I'M EXCITED, TOO.
AFTER NEXT COMMERCIAL BREAK WE HAVE THE LEGENDARY BILL MURRAY,
WELL KNOWN IN THIS THEATER.
THAT DOOR IS CALLED THE BILL MURRAY DOOR.
HE LEAVES THROUGH THAT DOOR OVER THERE.
INCREDIBLE HONOR TO HAVE HIM HERE.
BUT FIRST, THIS WEEK, THERE HAVE BEEN UNEXPECTED TIFF BETWEEN TWO
OF DONALD TRUMP'S WIVES I'VE NA AND MELANIA.
NOTHING FROM MARLA MAPLES YET.
THEY'RE BOTH CLAIMING TO BE THE TRUE FIRST LADY.
OBVIOUSLY, MELANIA TRUMP!
>> WHO WANTS A T-SHIRT?
WHO WANTS A T-SHIRT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO WANTS A T-SHIRT?
WHO WANTS A T-SHIRT?
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHO WANTS A T-SHIRT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHO WANTS A T-SHIRT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
T-SHIRT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERING )
>> WHO WANTS A -- T-SHIRT?
>> Stephen: HI, BILL.
HI, STEVE.
( PANTING ) >> Stephen: YOU SEEM A LITTLE
WINDED, BILL.
>> WELL, I'M BREATHING FUNNY BECAUSE I -- I GOT SOMETHING
STUCK IN MY LIP.
I -- I WAS SHOWING YOUR GIRL BACKSTAGE HOW SWEDISH PEOPLE DIP
TOBACCO.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE SHOWING A WOMAN WHO WORKS FOR ME HOW
SWEDISH PEOPLE DIP TOBACCO?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I THINK I HAVE TO REPORT YOU TO H.R. NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TILL THE
NEXT ACT, BILL.
THANK YOU FOR BEING OUT HERE.
>> OH, YEAH, THE ACTS.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
WE BREAK THE SHOW UP INTO DIFFERENT LITTLE SEGMENTS HERE.
>> OH, OKAY.
>> Stephen: REALLY NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE.
>> IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE
MALAYSIA.
IT'S NICE.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
WE'VE CLEANED IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
>> IT'S KIND OF A McMANSION NOW, IT'S REALLY NICE.
>> Stephen: WE THREW A LOT OF CASH AT IT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
THIS IS GAME FIVE OF THE DIVISION SERIES.
>> BIT OF A PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
IT'S 2 AND 2 NOW WITH THE CUBS.
ARE YOU FEELING A LITTLE NERVOUS?
>> WELL THERE'S A SORT OF FEELING WHERE YOU FEEL NERVOUS.
BUT HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE ARE TRUE BASEBALL FANS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU WANT IT TO GO THE DISTANCE.
>> Stephen: SURE.
YOU GET THE BEST TEAMS PLAYING AND YOU WANT IT TO GO
THE FINAL GAME TO HAVE THE SERIES.
YOU GET THE MOST DRAMA, TEAMS GET THE MOST MONEY AND PEOPLE
HAVE THE MOST FUN.
>> Stephen: WANT TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF?
WANT A COCKTAIL?
>> YEAH, A LITTLE SOMETHING WOULDN'T HURT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE ICE?
YOU WANT ICE?
>> IT'S MY WAY OF HYDRATING.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CUBAN RUM THERE, BILL?
>> YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD WE'VE GOT RELATIONS BACK WITH THE CUBAN
RUM.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS A LITTLE HAVANA CLUB
MAESTRO SELECT RIGHT THERE.
NOT A SPONSOR, I'M JUST A FAN.
>> FULL DISCLOSURE, JUST A DRINKER.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
THAT WOULD BE NICE.
>> Stephen: CHEERS TO THE CUBS.
>> CHEERS TO THE CUBS.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY, ISN'T IT?
>> SMOOTH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, HERE'S THE
THING.
THIS IS GOING TO BE BROADCAST, OF COURSE, AT 1:10 TONIGHT.
THE GAME, WE'LL PROBABLY KNOW WHO WON AT THAT POINT.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT WE DON'T KNOW RIGHT NOW.
DO YOU WANT TO -- WHY DON'T WE RECORD TWO DIFFERENT REACTIONS?
>> WHY DON'T WE DRINK THIS ONE IN CASE THE CUBS WIN?
>> Stephen: OKAY.
CUBS WIN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THIS ONE WILL BE IN CASE --
IN CASE THE CUBS DON'T WIN.
( CLINK ) ( AUDIENCE REACTING )
>> THIS ONE WE CAN SIP BECAUSE IT'S GOT TO LAST ALL WINTER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
GOOD FOR YOU.
BUT THE FIRST ONE TASTED GOOD.
>> Stephen: IT IS GOOD, YEAH.
IT'S DELICIOUS, ISN'T IT?
>> AND THEY SAY IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: THE RUM?
IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
>> Stephen: THE MORE YOU DRINK, THE MORE THEY SAY IT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD.
>> WHO WANTS A T-SHIRT?!
( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: HERE'S ONE OF THE
THINGS PEOPLE OUT THERE MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT THE TWO OF US IS YOU
AND SRI SOMETHING IN COMMON.
I'M FROM CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA AND YOU LIVE IN
CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH GUYS I GREW UP WITH LIKE
JOHN WALTERS AND GATOR PHILLIPS.
GOOD GUYS, RIGHT?
>> VERY GOOD GUYS.
THEY HAVE BEEN GREAT FRIENDS.
>> Stephen: WE SHOULD GO FISHIN' SOME TIME.
>> WE CAN GO CRABBING.
>> Stephen: PUT SOME CHICKEN NECKS ON STRING.
>> GET IN SOME PLUFF MUD.
>> Stephen: WANT TO TELL THEM WHAT THAT IS?
>> FILL THEM UP WITH THIS STUFF AND THROW THEM IN THE PLUFF MUD.
>> Stephen: I LIVED IN "CHICAGO" FOR MANY YEARS.
YOU GREW UP IN WIL WILAMET.
>> THEY USED TO CALL US CAKE EATERS.
WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT SOME CAKE?
>> Stephen: THAT'S A REALLY SOFT INSULT.
>> IT WAS LIKE, WHY DON'T YOU GO EAT SOME CAKE?
>> Stephen: WHAT WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO EAT?
>> BEANS, I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOT FROM BOSTON.
HASH.
>> Stephen: A FRIEND DROVE ME BY THE CHILDHOOD HOUSE YOU GREW
UP IN.
NOT A HUGE HOUSE.
>> NOT BY ANY STANDARD.
>> Stephen: NINE KIDS PACKED IN THAT HOUSE.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHERE DO YOU FALL IN THE NINE?
>> IT PEAKED WITH ME AND WENT STRAIGHT DOWNHILL.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE FIVE.
YEAH.
>> Stephen: I'M THE BABY OF ELEVEN.
>> AWWW, SPOILED ROTTEN.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY RIGHT, THE PRINCE.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW FAST CAN YOU SAY THEM, DO
YOU WANT TO RACE?
>> YEAH, SURE.
>> Stephen: TOP TO BOTTOM?
TOP TO BOTTOM.
>> Stephen: TOP TO BOTTOM.
ONE, TWO, THREE GO, OKAY.
ONE, TWO, THREE GO.
( SAYING NAMES OF SIBLINGS FAST )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: CHEERS.
DOUBLE OR NOTHING?
>> Stephen: IRISH CATHOLIC ALTER BOY.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU WERE RIGHT ACROSS FROM THE CHURCH, RIGHT?
>> I WAS RIGHT ACROSS FROM THE CONVENT.
THE CHURCH WAS ANOTHER BLOCK AND A HALF BUT THERE WAS A CONVENT
ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE A SISTER WHO IS A NUN?
>> I DO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S IMPRESSIVE FOR A CATHOLIC FAMILY TO HAVE A
NUN IN THERE.
IT'S MUCH MORE CATHOLIC THAN MY FAMILY IS.
>> IT FREES THE REST OF US UP TO LIVE A LIFE OF SIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SHE'S THE CARBON
ROD THAT ABSORBS THE RADIATION OF YOUR SIN?
>> I'M COVERED!
I'M COVERED!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DID YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT BEING A PRIEST?
>> WELL, THE PRIEST USED TO COME INTO THE CLASSROOM AND SAY, HOW
MANY OF YOU WANT TO BE PRIESTS?
AND EVERYONE WOULD RAISE THEIR HAND.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: DID YOU MEAN IT?
FOR A SECOND.
FOR THAT SECOND, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YEAH.
I'M STILL THINKING ABIT, TO BE HONEST.
>> Stephen: YOU GREAT WOULD IT BE IF YOU WALKED INTO A CHURCH
AND THERE'S FATHER BILL?!
( LAUGHTER ) >> I COULD GIVE BETTER
COUNSELING, I THINK.
I KNOW HOW IT GETS.
LAST CALL, I KNOW HOW IT GETS, BABY, YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
LITTLE BREAK.
PLEASE DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
>> WHY WOULD I GO ANYWHERE?
I GOT T-SHIRTS!