HEY EVERYBODY, HEY EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK
THAT SOUND YOU HEAR, THAT BEAUTIFUL SOUND
YOU HEAR, IS OUR FRIEND JON BATIST. HEY JON
JON: HELLO, WHAT'S GOING ON?
HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?
JON: I'M USING MUSIC AS A COPING MECHANISM
I NEED IT TOO, I COULDN'T
SLEEP LAST NIGHT AT ALL.
>> Jon: YOU GOT A LOT ON YOUR MIND, TOO?
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, WE ALL DO.
THE THING SIGOT UP-- NORMALLY I LISTEN TO A PODCAST OR SOMETHING
TO GO TO SLEEP.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BUT I WOKE UP BEFORE THE PODCAST GOT POSTED SO
I STARTED LISTENING TO THEM FROM LAST WEEK, SO I STARTED GETTING
ANXIOUS ABOUT NEWS I ALREADY LEARNED ABOUT FIVE DAYS AGO.
IT WAS A BAD-- A BAD LOOP TO BE IN.
>> Jon: OH, NO, THE NEWS NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO REPEAT ANY OF
IT.
IT'S REALLY SOMETHING THAT I THINK IS GOOD TO HAVE A SONG IN
YOUR HEART.
I'VE BEEN KEEPING THAT SONG I WAS PLAYING, JUST TRYING TO KEEP
SONGS IN MY HEART.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S ABOUT SINGING THEM EVEN, JUST HAVING
THEM IN THE ROTATION, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU-- WOULD YOU MIND PLAYING A LITTLE BIT OF
THE SONG THAT'S IN YOUR HEART RIGHT NOW?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
IT'S IN THERE.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME HEWING THE BIGGEST SLABS OF NEWS
MARBLE OUT OF CURRENT EVENTS MOUNTAIN, ASSEMBLING THEM
ACCORDING TO DETAILED ARCHITECTURAL PLANS, CARVING
INTRICATE BAR-RELIEFS INTO ITS WALLS, AND ORNAMENTING IT ALL
WITH A LAPIDARY OF PRECIOUS GEMSTONES TO CREATE FOR YOU THE
TAJ MAHAL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO DRAG SOME CORRUGATED TIN SLATS INTO
THE WOODS, CLAMP 'EM TOGETHER WITH BUNGIE CORDS, TOSS A TORN
BOAT SAIL OVER IT, THEN HUNKER DOWN TO SCRIBBLE A JOKE
MANIFESTO IN THE DEMENTED LONER-CABIN OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DARTH VADER IS ENFORCING THE
LOCKDOWN IN A PHILIPPINE VILLAGE."
AND THE CAMPAIGN'S OBJECTIVE IS TO "TELL OFF RESIDENTS WHO STILL
GO OUTDOORS WITHOUT THE PROPER QUARANTINE PASSES NEEDED AND
ALSO THOSE WHO DO NOT WEAR FACE MASKS."
AND VADER IS PARTICULARLY HARSH ON THOSE WHO DON'T WASH THEIR
HANDS: >> NOOOOO!
>> Stephen: (AS VADER) "I FIND YOUR LACK OF HYGIENE
DISTURBING."
A LITTLE MORE BANE THAN VADER, I WILL ADMIT THAT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AFTER MORE THAN TWO MONTHS OF LOCKDOWN FOR
CORONAVIRUS, THERE ARE HOPEFUL SIGNS THAT WE MAY BE EMERGING
FROM OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE, BECAUSE "COSTCO HAS
ANNOUNCED THEIR FREE SAMPLES WILL RETURN THIS MONTH."
FINALLY!
IT IS SAFE FOR SHOPPERS TO RETURN TO EATING A TINY SQUARE
OF CHEESE OFF A BIG TRAY OF TINY SQUARES OF CHEESE AND
ROOM-TEMPERATURE TURKEY SAUSAGE THAT HAS BEEN SITTING OUT FOR
HOURS.
NATURE IS HEALING.
THAT ONE HIT HOME.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, PAGES OF HIS PREVIOUSLY
UNPUBLISHED NOTES SHOW THAT "ISAAC NEWTON PROPOSED CURING
PLAGUE WITH TOAD VOMIT," USING "BLENDED POWDERED TOAD WITH TOAD
VOMIT TO FORM LOZENGES," TO WHICH 17th CENTURY ENGLAND SAID,
"I'LL STICK WITH THE PLAGUE."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A BREWERY IS OFFERING $20,000 FOR SOMEONE TO
HIKE THE ENTIRE APPALACHIAN TRAIL WHILE DRINKING BEER."
THE DEVILS BACK-BONE BREWING COMPANY IS HIRING A "CHIEF
HIKING OFFICER," WHO WILL TREK THE ENTIRE 2,200-MILE TRAIL FROM
GEORGIA TO MAINE, CONSUMING AND SHARING PLENTY OF BREWS ALONG
THE WAY."
ALTERNATELY, THEY'LL GIVE YOU A CANOE, AND YOU CAN ROW TO MAINE
ON A RIVER OF YOUR OWN URINE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A RECENTLY PUBLISHED SCIENTIFIC PAPER ASKS
AN IMPORTANT QUESTION: "DID MEN'S BEARDS EVOLVE TO ABSORB A
PUNCH TO THE JAW?" NO WONDER THAT MALL SANTA
WOULDN'T GO DOWN.
WHEN MY KID ASKS FOR HOT WHEELS, HE EXPECTS HOT WHEELS, OLD MAN.
THE ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN THE SCIENTIFIC JOURNAL "INTEGRATIVE
ORGANISMAL BIOLOGY," EASILY IN MY TOP THREE FAVORITE JOURNALS
OF ORGANISMAL BIOLOGY.
IT WAS PREVIOUSLY ARGUED THAT BEARDS EVOLVED AS ORNAMENTATION
TO ATTRACT A MATE.
BUT THIS NEW RESEARCH ARGUES THAT "HAIRS IN A BEARD WOULD
COLLECTIVELY DIFFUSE THE FORCE OF A BLOW AND SO MAY HAVE
EVOLVED IN RESPONSE TO THE NEED TO WIN MALE-MALE BATTLES."
CHECKS OUT.
LEAVE IT TO MEN TO SPEND THOUSANDS OF YEARS EVOLVING
SHOCK ABSORBERS FOR YOUR FACE INSTEAD OF JUST BEING LESS OF A
DICK.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DOMINO'S PIZZA JUST REVEALED A NIFTY
MICROWAVE HACK TO PREVENT SOGGINESS," SAYING "ADD A
HALF-FULL CUP OF WATER TO THE MICROWAVE WITH YOUR PIZZA AND
HEAT FOR AROUND 30 SECONDS."
AND FOR OPTIMUM FLAVOR, LEAVE THE DOMINO'S IN THE MICROWAVE
AND ORDER PIZZA FROM ANYWHERE ELSE.