what's up everybody it's Chris from the rewired soul and all that jazz obviously
something a little bit different I didn't do the intro and all that because
I want to start doing videos where I just sit down and chat with all of you I
talked about this a little bit in the video the I did a week ago maybe about
how I hate getting vulnerable and something I'm pushing myself to do more
because like I'm on this mental health journey with all of you as well so a
couple promises all right like I got the idea to make this video because I was
driving home and I just got it I got kind of choked up and a little
emotional so I'm gonna do my best not to cry I'm not really a crier if you want
zoologists it cause I'm a man ain't afraid to admit that I cry sometimes all
right bye anyways I got super emotional about it just thinking about it but
anyways this video might start off kind of like bummer whatever but I promise
you it will pay off at the end all right so yeah let's talk about an emotional
relapse this is something that I and it's a it's crazy too because like these
are things that my brain tells me not to open up about not to be honest about not
to be you know just talking about with all of you right and I do it you know
not only for myself but hopefully inspire all of you and maybe my story
and my experience can help some of you but anyways emotional relapse the first
time I heard about this was when I first got sober so those of you who don't know
I'm seven year sober I got sober on my 27th birthday back in 2012 and we all
know what a relapse is like for a drug addict throughout the whole I could be
me drinking or using so what the hell is an emotional relapse so my experience
when I first heard about this like I was you know the the sort of recovery was
rough it was rocky like when you first get sober like like when you take the
drugs and alcohol away from a drug addict we get crazier than we were on
the stuff right but then you know hopefully you start working a program
you start healing your mind calms down all the drugs and alcohol get out of
your system hopefully you figure out a better way to
live and everything starts getting better right and not only do things
start getting better for you but you start becoming a better person like
people actually like being around you and stuff like that
you know what I mean that's why I was there were so many just
big moments in my early recovery I remember like I remember it like it was
yesterday I remember a guy who was in my sober living and he moved out and then
he saw me a few months later and he's like oh my god Chris he's like I never
seen you smiling before right and things like that were a big deal to me because
I was so miserable and just everything in my early sobriety but I start to get
better and I started to be better and I started to act better right and there
comes a point sometimes in recovery colors the pink cloud or everything it's
got all hey you know what I mean and we want to scream it from the
rooftops how glorious sobriety is but yeah one of the issues with that you
know pink cloud or things starting to get really better and you doing well is
you can get hit with this kind of like complacency and stop doing the things
that you're supposed to do so for me like when I started doing better and
things of my life started getting better and you know things with my friends and
family were getting better people weren't hating me anymore I was like I
got this and I started or stopped rather doing
the things that I was supposed to do right I stopped checking in with myself
I stopped you know living this life that I was taught to live and talk to lead
and be of service to others and you know think of other people before myself quit
being so selfish and self-centred like all these things started to fall to the
wayside and I started to just become a mess again like a thing about addiction
is something I teach especially when I talk about the first step is you take
the drugs and alcohol away we can still have a very unmanageable life right but
anyways things started going bad and like just my life started getting
chaotic again and like I I just started feeling awful and terrible and some of
you know the phrase like the spiritual malady like there was just something in
me that was hurting and you know and it was weird because everything was going
so well for a long time and you know and I was talking to my mom
about it who's also in recovery and she's I yeah Krish is like I've been
noticing your behaviors and I think you had you know we call this an emotional
relapse right so I went off the rails emotionally I'm like oh god you're right
I had to dive back in and do what I needed to do right so what the hell does
this have to do with this well those of you who know like this has been a very
rough year for me right like I went from just being sky-high
to just rock bottom you know and I wish it was just something as simple as just
you know Sue's YouTube or whatever but it was more about like my passion in
life which is trying to help people you know what I mean
and you know when everything happened to me just by imposter syndrome really
kicked in like oh my god maybe you know that voice in my head is right and I'm
not you know who I think I am and I'm this awful terrible person and I suck at
what I do and then you know like it's crazy how the ego works too because you
have this imposter syndrome but then you have this ego just like no you're this
shit and screw everybody else Chris right and for six months and I talked
about this in my video about how I had that clarity about how I wasted six
months but for six months I was just fighting and fighting and fighting I was
fighting against everything and everyone and just fighting this battle and like
and it was such a waste right and that was another emotional relapse I had this
emptiness in me and thank God I sat down like to record this video like i I've
been critical of people who say YouTube is therapy for me I'm like now therapist
therapist right like I get what they're saying but I do think that you should
have a therapist as well you know a therapist will solve all not solved but
they will help you with a out of your problems again just hop on
here but anyways had I not finally got on here and I said what I said would
with some of you remember well I said like I lost my passion for helping
people I lost my passion for mental health I'm just you know I don't want to
help you and like just verbalizing kind of putting it on YouTube it just it's
now me out of it and you know things have been going so much better the last
few weeks with just everything but mostly inside here right and inside here
I feel so much better and like I wanted to sit down and record this for a couple
reasons and the primary reason is and this is
where I get a little emotional so I'll try to hold it in but man like I cannot
put into words how much I appreciate all of you right like even if you're new I
appreciate you but like the real ones who have stuck by me and the new ones
you're not not the real ones you're the real ones too but I mean like when I
went through everything this year I lost tens of thousands of people like that's
no joke tens of thousands of people but some of you sat and waited for me to
come back and be Chris again and I'm sitting here and I like I said I started
getting emotional while driving home I'm like man like they stuck by me they just
sat there and watched me go through this whole thing and just waiting for me to
come back and return and be me and just get that passion to talk about mental
health again and try to help people and you guys stuck around and like a lot of
you who are new to like I appreciate the fuck out of you as well because
something that happened when everything went down whenever I meet new people
whenever new people come to my channel or whatever I have to sit there and
wonder and say are you one of the hundreds of thousands of people who saw
people talking shit about me right like you know what I mean and all these
things but like those of you who are new and you saw that stuff and you're like
in your own opinion or you're just like whatever you know like I appreciate that
and like you know as much as I try to help all of you I just can't express
enough how all of you helped me as well and my mental health journey I never
ever ever ever want to ever make it seem like I'm perfect and I figured
everything out I just have a lot of experience but you guys help me as much
as I hopefully help you and you guys are a very crucial part of this right and
you know obviously like Tristan dealing with my crazy ass for the last six
months and seeing me like just fighting and fighting and fighting and you know
all this other stuff and like something that I'm working on right now is I'm
trying to let go because I now that I have this clarity the guilt is coming in
and that's like what you know like even though I didn't have like a relapse like
a drug another we laughs out emotional relapse that guilt like oh my god what
did I do and I feel so bad that I've put you guys through that for so long but
like no it's testing new things with content and trying to do more commentary
and then like I finally realized like it felt empty to me just giving my opinions
on just random things happening you know what I mean but yeah I feel like guilty
about that but something I'm working on I hope this is something that you guys
can learn you know through my journey as well is I'm trying to let go of that
right like I have to think and put myself in your shoes like if you stuck
around here this long I doubt you want me to sit here and just beat myself up
over that but I'm so grateful and part of it when I was driving home thinking
about it was just like now that I've switched gears back to my passion of
talking mental health and trying to help people like you guys have been so
receptive to it you guys have been so kind and just loving and it it has
warmed my heart in a way that I haven't felt since like the beginning of this
year and I'm so grateful for all of you and
like I'm so happy that we're rebuilding this community like all of you you know
not just in the YouTube comments but those of you who follow me on Twitter
and Instagram like my my passion is back at my Mojo's back and my ideas are back
and I'm doing stuff like like it might seem stupid to other people but like
that Spotify playlist that I started and I posted it everywhere and said hey give
me a song you guys doing that and some of you listening to it too and liking
the idea like that fucking means a lot to me you know what I mean and I've been
asking you guys questions and I announced on you know Twitter and
Instagram and I think on the community tab that had this really big mental
health project that's in my mind that I'm gonna I'm gonna get kicked off
really soon I think this weekend I'm gonna strategize in a bit but you guys
were so receptive to that and I had people reaching out offering to help me
moderate you know and everything and you know and now that I've gotten back into
this whole like mental health groove you know I'm getting just so many kind of
messages and emails and you guys who have been reading the blogs like when I
read blogs and I know what it's gonna read this shit right but you guys have
been leaving comments on the blog I've been getting emails and everything if I
haven't gotten back to you yet don't worry I will oh I still have some DM
said I gotta get through but I feel I feel more like old Chris again and the
last thing I want to say aside from aside from another
heartfelt apology and how much I all of you is just it's just this and I hope
you guys can learn from what I'm trying to do now which is just put those
fucking blinders on and tune out all of the noise like people are still coming
into the comments talking shit talking shit on social media and stuff but I am
just laser focused on my mission to help people you know what I mean and and
I I let these people get into my head for six months and that was way way too
long so if you guys have something in your life that you're passionate about
like laser focus on it and tune out all of the bullshit I've been feeling so
much better and I appreciate all of you so much more because I see how grateful
you are for it and now it's like I want to work three times as hard as I was
because because I got six months of the bullshit I was doing to make up to all
of you so thank you for sticking with me and let's do this shit together and
improve our mental and emotional well-being and it's gonna be amazing
alright so thank you once again I love you all so much I can't put it into
words if I could I would just if I was if I was a millionaire I would just give
everybody one of these pallets you know I would just go and maybe have to do
that thing that they did where they cut out the roof of Jeffery stars are just
jacket for all my recent soldiers out there and stuff I'm kidding
Jeffery don't send like your Secret Service after me or whatever if you see
this Oh but anyways I'm rambling now but again
thank you guys so much and and yeah we got some cool stuff coming up I'll see
you soon