If your spouse has cheated on you, or is cheating on you,
probably the people in your world telling you to divorce, get
rid of them, make them pay for what they've done. But you know
what? That might be the biggest mistake you ever make in your
life? Why? Let's talk about that. Hi, I'm Dr. Joe beam. This is
Kimberly Holmes, our CEO at MH International. You may know us as
marriage helper, Kimberly, we know that when people have been
cheated on or are being cheated on, then in all likelihood,
their friends are saying you need to get free of this. You need
to be moving on and finding somebody that can be loyal and true
to you. But what would be the reasons why they should listen to
their friends? And go ahead and do that? Hmm,
the reasons to listen to the friends? Well, the friends are
likely saying things that are at least partly true. They've hurt
you. They've lied to you. How could you ever trust them again?
What if they do this to you? Again? Why would you want to put
yourself back into a situation where you could keep getting
hurt. So there's part truths that should be addressed and
thought about that a friend could be bringing up,
we're gonna be giving a different view of that in just a moment.
So Kimberly, and I might wind up disagreeing. If nothing else,
play devil's advocate, when I start giving reasons why it might
be worthwhile to salvage the marriage, you kill her with the
opposite for those.
Yeah, I was an actor in high school, and I can do it again now.
Alright, remember, you're acting vividly when you were in high
school. So let's say it this way you say okay, Dr. Bing, you
said it might be the biggest mistake I've ever made. Do you
realize that any person even good people, I mean, really good
people can really screw up royally. And sometimes that screw up
is just momentary. For example, it's a kind of an affair that we
call high opportunity, low involvement. They typically involve
things such as ego that gets on a hand flirting, that gets out
of hand drinking, and all those kind of reasons that a person
winds up doing something that is not normally his or her nature,
and is the proverbial one nightstand. Although the temptations
on it might make it lasts more than one night. So I would say
before you decide to divorce this person, then you need to
assess something based on how you've known this person, since
the beginning of the time that you've met, is this person, your
spouse, a good person doing a bad thing, or a bad person doing a
bad thing? Because if they're a good person doing a bad thing,
then rescuing this person is not only for his or her benefit,
but also for yours, and I'll talk about in a minute, what
counter do you have to that?
Even if they're a good person who did a bad thing? It's gonna be
a lot of work, and a lot of effort to address the affair recover
from the affair, all of those things. I'm young, why not just
take my losses, go and find someone else and start over. Because
if I'm going to put that much effort into saving what I have,
why not just put that same amount of effort into making
something new with someone who hasn't hurt me?
And that makes sense. But if you already have history together,
so for example, how long have you been robbing married now
12 and a half years, 12 and a half years.
And so if you leave your leave all of that, you leave everything
that had to do with that. I mean, you might split up your
possessions, your assets, those kinds of things. But basically,
it just says I spent 12 years of my life learning how to love
this one person who has now done something where he or she has
made an error. I won't call him a mistake because of the fact
that they obviously did it on purpose. But it has made this era.
And now this person really wants me to forgive and put it back
together again. Can you just casually throw away 12 years?
Well, and in our case, it wouldn't just be the 12 years, but we
knew each other 20 years before that. Yeah. So we're children
since we were children. So there's a negative taint that would
even go on childhood memories and childhood experiences. I can
see what you're saying. And I'm willing to take it into
consideration. But the other thing is, what if he's not
repentant yet? So why should I not divorce a spouse? Who
cheated? If they're currently still cheating?
It's good question. Think about it like a teenager. How many
times have you seen a teenager do something wrong? I mean, even
rebels start living a lifestyle that's totally contrary to what
you taught them. You can do one of two things immediately, if
you wish, one of which is to say, look, that's not who you're
supposed to be, you know, better. You're living that lifestyle.
Therefore, boop, I cut you off, you're out of my life, I have no
more consideration for you. Or you can say, because I do love
you. And because I do believe that good person is still in there
that even though at this particular moment, while you're still
rebelling, still acting out and doing things that are causing
all kinds of problems. I believe that that good person is inside
of you. And if only we could rescue that person, if we could
somehow get you back to where you were before that not only will
you be a better person, but goes on what you've learned from the
bad stuff you did, but also can become a champion for making
sure that our relationships stay strong for the rest of our
lives. And so it's a matter of, do I just throw this person out,
even though I have loved them? Or do I use that love to try my
best before I give up to see if I can rescue them?
You know how there's a certain method of parenting, you can call
it like tough love or whatever. But it's, I'm going to show you
I love you through the consequences that I instill from the
behaviors you do that I don't like. So how does that not work
here? Doesn't he need to see a consequence or feel a
consequence?
I'm not against that. I'm just saying it doesn't have to be the
ultimate consequence. It doesn't have to be okay, divorce,
you're done. Get out of my life. I'm never gonna see you again.
But are there consequences for behavior? Every good behavior has
a consequence, every bad behavior has a consequence. I'm not
talking about rescuing people from the errors they've made.
Because sometimes you really need to face those things I'm
talking about. But am I ready to end it all? Am I ready to file
for divorce? I'm not going to rescue him from what he's doing.
But what if I can rescue who he is from what he's doing? So that
good person comes back? So no, I'm not against people reaping
what they sow.
So if you're not going, if you if the idea is the ultimate
consequence should be withheld, what are some other consequences
that I could instill? Or should I not instill them, as they're
still living in the middle of cheating on me,
I think it has to do with who weathers the husband or the wife,
whether they in the primary income person, and many other
factors, other words, it becomes specifically individual here.
So for example, if if a woman says My husband is sleeping with
this other woman, I would recommend Well, you have to make your
own decision. Of course, I can't tell you what to do. But one
consequence might be right now that you don't let him sleep with
you. Because it's extremely common that people in an affair not
only want to sleep with the lover, they also at the same time
want to sleep with a spouse, and you can say, you know, that's
not going to happen. While you're involved that way with her,
you're not going to be involved that way with me, or let's say
is the person that doesn't have a good income, that's cheating,
and he or she needs money to do what they're doing. So they can
go off them for their tryst. So they can they can pay for the
hotel rooms, or whatever else it might be. And they don't have
the ability to do that financially, because that particular
spouse, whoever he or she may be, doesn't have those kinds of
assets, then I would say another consequence is no, no, we're
going to put up money in such a way where that we will not
endorse or encourage your bad behavior. And so we're gonna go
ahead and make financial arrangements right now. So that can't
happen. So they're, it's specific to the situation, name, the
situation, and then we can start finding consequences that need
to occur. It's basically saying, I am not going to endorse your
behavior, I am not going to encourage it, I'm certainly not
going to pay for it. At the same time, I'm not going to punish
you to the nth degree. But I'm going to let you reap what you
sow. So you see what's happening to you here.
What if this isn't the first time I've been cheated on? What if
either when we were dating, they cheated on me? Or they cheated
on me earlier in the marriage? Isn't this now a pattern? And
shouldn't I cut my losses and move on because of that?
Possibly. At the same time, though, if you really believe that
it's a good person who has this weakness, then the rescue will
be tougher. I mean, if it's, if it's been a pattern has happened
more than once, then the rescue is going to be tougher. But if
it happens more than once there's something going on inside that
person that's destructive. And so now rescuing him or her, and
is actually pulling them back from the edge, if you will. Just
say, Well, why would I do that? Well, let's say for example, you
have children, you want your children to continue to have a
relationship with their mother or their father. But if the
mother or father is continuing to do one bad thing after another
after another repetitively, then you start worrying about what
are my children going to be exposed to? What are they going to
learn? What are they going to think about life? What are they
gonna think about what's right and what's wrong. And so
sometimes, just at that point, saying, rather than than giving
up on you, I'm going to do everything I can to rescue you, is
because you know that the good part of them is fighting, for
lack of a better phrase, the bad part of them, and without help,
the bad part of them is going to win. Do you really want that to
happen to them? Now, if you say, Yeah, I want that to happen to
them, didn't divorce them, let them go. But if you're saying,
No, I still care to ensure that person I don't want the bad
inside to win. Then there's some things you can do to try to
rescue this person, which at the same time, will hopefully
rescue the marriage and bring him or her back, not to what you
had before but to Let her than you had before.
At what point? Will At what point does it become about me? At
what point is it? Will anyone look at me and say, this is hard?
This sucks, because it feels like I'm gonna have to do a lot to
save this marriage. And I'm not the one who screwed up?
Well, you hear that quite often? Like, how can my spouse have
his or her cake and eat it too? And so I understand that, like,
what about me, who's gonna take care of me? Well, we can't move
in with you, and make your dinner for you. But we care about
you. And we will help you as much as, as we can, through groups,
it can be part of where you find other like minded people who
will understand you and support you emotionally have coaches
that you can talk to, they can help you figure out how to deal
through the day, all those kinds of things. It's really still
all about you. It's not all about the other person, it's still
all about you. And you do need people taking care of you. But
remember, some of the people that want to take care of you are
so mad at your spouse for what he or she has done, that all
you're going to hear from them is divorce, divorce, divorce, pay
them back. I remember one time a lady saying to me if I did what
my friends wanted me to do to my husband who just cheated on me
for the second time, then I will destroy him. And I said, So are
you going to do that? She said, No, I told my friends, I have
enough hurt on my own. I don't need to take on yours. By the
way, it was a tough road. But they made it they worked it out.
And they're happily married to this day. She rescued him that
rescued their marriage, and rescued in a real sense their
children because of the negative effects that were occurring to
them. And I'm sure their marriage is not perfect, because none
is. But they now have a good relationship, a strong and solid
relationship. And the problem was deep within him. And that had
to be dealt with. But she had the wisdom, the love to see that
there was a problem within him that needed to be saved or
solved, I should say, so he could be saved. And therefore she
put her effort into doing that. If you don't really love the
other person, you're probably not gonna make that kind of
sacrifice.
What if my children are older? What if they're teenagers, maybe
even young adults, if they see that my spouse has cheated, and I
take them back? Doesn't that teach my kids that they could cheat
in their future relationships, and they'll just have someone who
takes them back,
actually just the opposite. If you look at the long term
research, kids who grew up in a home where the parents divorced,
have less commitment to their spouses in general. Now that I'm
not be true of every individual child, obviously, as he or she
becomes an adult. But they tend to split up faster than other
people if they do get married. Because what was modeled for them
is if it's not working like you want, then you just get rid of
them. They actually have a greater likelihood of salvage,
salvaging their own marriages, once they get grown, if they have
watched their parents salvage their marriage, even when one of
them really did something bad, stupid dumb. What they learned
then is more about commitment, and grace and mercy. So actually,
I think it actually positions them to have better relationships
and to make it through worse problems. If God forbid, those
problems arise.
So you mentioned that doing this out of love for your spouse,
and who they could be wood is a great thing to think about as a
great motivation. But what if I'm just so angry right now? I
can't think about how I feel towards my spouse. What would you
recommend? Do I, I mean, right now, I'm so angry, I just want to
divorce.
I would suggest to anyone who's making a decision out of anger,
whatever that decision is, do your best not to make that
decision right now. act in haste, repent at leisure. It's like
if you do something now, while you're angry, you're much much
more likely to do something that you're going to regret later.
So maybe you need to get somebody to help you deal with the
anger or at least understand you maybe even explain what's going
on. So for example, how many times have we had spouses or a
husband or a wife, once they were exposed to what we teach about
limerence all of a sudden begin to understand why their spouse
is doing what they're doing, and what the spouse is doing all
those kinds of things. And look at us and go, Oh, I took it
personal. It was a direct attack on me it still hurts I'm still
mad. But I'm realizing it's not about me at all. The what my
spouse is doing is because of my spouse his own inner confusion
and pain. And so there are people like us who are willing will
help you. One thing I suggest you be careful about if you decide
to go to see a counselor to help do you deal with your anger,
which is a good thing to do? Make sure up front that counselor
is pro marriage. Because there's some counselors out there who
are anti marriage because of their own past. And the first thing
they'll do when they hear that you are angry is say, well,
here's what you need to do with that anger, less punish him,
let's make her pay. Don't let your counselor make her decisions
for you, just like you don't let your family make your decision
for you. But yeah, people around who will care about you. And
Kimberly just did one of our recent workshops. You know, you and
I've done what, nearly 1000 videos that are on our YouTube
channel. And how many times have you heard because I hear it all
the time, that I go to sleep at night listening to you guys. And
it has helped to calm me down and to give me inner peace. Mm
hmm. Do you hear that? Like, I hear that?
I do. Yes.
So it's powerful stuff. And here's the final part of it. We're
on a 10 What future do you want, and you know, you really can't
know what the future is gonna hold. Kimberly is a very
intelligent and woman who is gifted in many, many ways she has
organization. And since she took over as an organization, I
think we've grown by a factor of like 1010 times larger now than
when when she took over Kimberly is alive. Because Alice, my
wife, was willing to forgive my infidelity. We'd already
divorced, I divorced, Alice can be with another woman. And Alice
forgave me and took me back, we wanted another child to
celebrate the second half of our marriage. And that led to
Kimberly, who is now changing the world and all kinds of good
ways. What I'm saying is when you do something to rescue people,
rescue marriages, if you can, the consequences are not just
between the two of you. You'll never know who it's going to
affect, including, potentially the children you already have. If
you have children, or the children you may have if in the
future, you have children, and if not them, other people who are
learning your story. You see, we're not in it just by ourselves.
Everything we do influences other people just like what they do
influence will influence us. And so that's another reason you
might want up doing a whole lot more good for the world. If you
can find out how to be the person who can offer grace and can
offer mercy. So Kimberly, what do you have to say before I close
this out?
You've won me over willing to willing to make it work and save
my marriage.
Of course, Rob has not been unfaithful, and she has been the
devil's advocate. As we talked about, we both believe in saving
marriages. And so you may be thinking okay, okay, I can try
this. But what if there's just no emotional connection there?
What if my spouse has checked out on me emotionally? We'll talk
about that. In the next episode of relationship Radio.