I have three kids.
The two older kids
are unemployed and live at home.
They're seven and five,
so we don't give them a lot of flack
about it.
This is right.
I have a seven-year-old,
I have a five-year-old,
and I have a baby.
Yeah.
I have a gray beard,
and I have a baby.
I have an AARP card,
(audience laughing)
and I have a baby.
I threw my back out picking up
my baby.
(audience laughing)
Guess I won't be doing that again.
(audience laughing)
How old am I?
Great question.
I find new music on Saturday Night
Live.
That's how old I am.
(audience laughing)
How old am I?
I tell teenagers at the movie
theater to settle down,
and they usually do.
That's how old I am.
How old am I?
Sometimes the wife wears sexy nurse
outfits, but just to get me to take
my pills.
That's how old I am.
(audience cheering)
Look, here's the thing.
If you don't have any kids,
way to go.
Keep doing that.
We're all very proud of the work
that you're not doing.
But hey, no kid people, would you
do me a favor?
Would you quit judging my parenting?
That would be awesome because
here's the thing about your opinion
of my parenting--
I don't care.
I don't care about your opinion
of something that you've never done
because here's the thing.
I was just like you, no kid people.
Before I had kids, I saw parents,
and I thought they were idiots.
Idiots!
(audience laughing)
Why are you bringing your baby
on an airplane?
(audience laughing)
Well, now I can tell you why I'm
bringing my baby on an airplane.
Because it takes a village to raise
a child, and welcome to the village.
Look, whether you choose to have
kids or not, if you live in America,
and you're an adult,
you are in the parenting
national guard.
And you could be called up
at any time.
And let me tell you something.
When you're sitting there
in your aisle seat,
and I get on the plane
with my crabby baby,
and my diaper bag smacks you
in the face right
before I sit down right behind you,
that's when it's time to grab
a weapon
and stand to watch because you've
been called up.
For the next three hours,
your happiness and that baby's
happiness are exactly
the same thing.
Yeah.
Why am I bringing my baby
on an airplane?
To build a better community.
That's why.
I bring my baby on an airplane
to make you a better person.
You're welcome.
Yeah, sometimes, me and my baby--
we just head to the airport
and pick a city, man.
I got nowhere to be.
I'm like,
what do you got with the most
hungover people on it?
Do you have anything coming back
from spring break or perhaps a tech
convention?
In fact, just give us one seat
to Vegas
and sit us
next to a bachelorette party.
I want people getting off the plane
rethinking their life decisions.
(audience laughing)
If you don't have kids,
don't judge parenting.
I was just like you.
Before I had kids, I saw people
with a child leash.
I thought they were crazy people.
Hey, where'd you get
the child leash at?
OshKosh B'Bondage?
(audience laughing)
Hey, if I went to your house,
would there be a stake in the middle
of the yard with a chain attached
to it, so that during the day,
your son could run and dig?
Hey, that's not safe.
Sure it is.
The chain doesn't go all the way
to the street.
(audience laughing)
Now that I have kids,
I think the child leash is genius.
I think it's genius.
I wheel my kids around like
Hannibal Lecter, man.
Sometimes I go old school.
I have a cage, an actual cage that I
put in a wagon.
And I drag them around town
like it's the 1890s,
and we're publicizing a freak show.
(audience laughing)
If you don't have kids,
don't judge parenting.
(audience laughing)
Every time there's a news story
about terrible parenting
or so-called terrible parenting,
my single friends all have to chime in,
"oh, my mom never would have let
"that happen.
"My mom knew where we were 100%
"of the time."
First of all, your mom
didn't know where you were most
of the time.
OK?
I have three kids.
I have no idea where either of them
are right now because you can't
watch them all the time.
Every couple years, there's
that news story where the woman
goes to the zoo, and she loses track
of her kid.
And so the zookeeper has to execute
some beloved orangutan
or ocelot to save the kid's life.
Single people think this is weird.
Let me tell you something.
I got a seven-year-old.
He's been in four gorilla
enclosures.
It's got to be half a dozen
cockfights.
I saw my son storming the Capitol.
OK?
You can't watch them all the time.
There I am, watching cable news.
My boys got Pelosi's podium
and a buffalo hat on.
He was just here a minute ago!
You can't watch them all the time.
(audience cheering)