Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Trevor Noah.
And welcome to our live State of the Union show.
That's right, we're live, 100% live.
(cheering)
Super live.
Do you know how live it is? Do you know how live it is?
I can tell you the time right now. It's 11:02.
I couldn't fake that. I could not fake that.
Anyway, just a few minutes ago, President Trump finished
his second State of the Union address.
And, yes, his tie was crooked when he walked in.
Trump walked past 600 people
and not a single one of them had the balls to tell him.
In fact, at some point, Mike Pence was like,
"This is the way ties should be from now on."
I guess we should grateful his fly wasn't open.
Now, now, remember, this speech was supposed to happen
a week ago, but it was postponed
because of the government shutdown, which is good,
because it gave Trump extra time
to practice mispronouncing big words.
But the show had to go on,
because, for the political world,
this is the biggest day of the year.
Almost everyone who was important was there.
For example, the Supreme Court justices were in attendance.
Brett Kavanaugh celebrated his first State of the Union,
and it looks like he came prepared.
Yeah, look at that.
In fact, he made it through the whole speech,
and only puked twice. Yeah.
He really has grown.
Oh, and as for all, uh, the other Supreme Court justices,
they just wore their normal robes.
Uh, and like Congressman Steve King, who you saw,
he was wearing his normal robe, that's what that was. Yeah.
Now, many people were asking where was Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Right? She wanted to come, but Democrats forced her
to stay home in one of those safety orbs from Jurassic Park.
That's what they did. They were like,
"Please, just stay safe, R. Please."
Now, there's a tradition at the State of the Union
for the president and for members of Congress
to invite some special guests to sit in the chamber.
Now, usually, the guest's chosen
to help make a political point of some kind.
And this year was no different.
Some Democrats have invited guests
to send a message to the president.
From undocumented immigrants
who have worked on Trump properties,
to workers who were furloughed
during the last government shutdown,
and transgender service members.
TV REPORTER: The president invited Joshua Trump.
He's a Delaware sixth-grader, and because he's often bullied
for having the same last name, he was invited.
Yeah. This is the State of the Union,
but really, it's just an excuse for people to troll each other.
Right? Democrats invited undocumented immigrants
who worked for Trump, and then on the other side,
to try to show how intolerant the radical left is,
Trump invites an 11-year-old boy who gets bullied,
yeah, just because his last name is Trump.
So both sides are trolling each other so hard,
I'm surprised that the Democrats didn't invite the kid's bully.
You know? Just Chuck Schumer up there like,
"My special guest tonight is a ten-year-old
"they call Knuckles, one of the top bullies around.
He ripped the underwear straight off my body."
You got to admit, though, inviting this kid
is a pretty savvy move by Trump, right?
It combines two major goals of his family:
Melania's campaign to stop bullying,
and Donald's campaign to replace Eric.
Now, another custom on State of the Union night
is that one cabinet member does not attend the speech,
and is instead taken to a secure location
in case something catastrophic happens during the speech,
and someone is needed to run the government.
No one knows where that is,
except for the Postmates guy who delivers his food.
And tonight, that cabinet member is Rick Perry.
Yes, that's right.
If everyone was gone, Rick Perry would have been
the president of the United States.
Yeah, which is fine.
I mean, he fulfills our new requirement for president:
he's been on a reality show; it works.
And here at The Daily Show, we didn't take any chances either.
Right. We had our own designated comedy survivor,
Ronny Chieng, everybody, just in case
the State of the Union was catastrophically unfunny.
We actually had Ronny in a secure location
watching something else on TV, so that no matter what,
we would have stuff to joke about during our live show.
So give it up for Ronny Chieng, everybody.
-Ronny. -Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Trevor.
-Thank you so much for being out there. -Thank you.
Uh... How did it go?
Oh, it was incredible, Trevor.
I sat in this damn bunker by myself
and watched the only other thing on at 9:00 p.m.,
a rerun of Property Brothers.
Uh, you want to hear the backup jokes I came up with?
-Well, we don't need the jokes anymore. -Okay, here goes.
Uh, the most-- You ever notice
how one of the brothers always looks "business"
and the other one always looks casual,
but they both always look like douche bags?
Yeah? No? All right.
Uh, the most stunning reveal of this show
is that neither of these creepy-ass dudes
ate their twin in the womb.
Am I right?
Yeah. Uh, honestly, uh, the rest of these jokes
are just about how all twins are kind of weird.
"Oh, look, it's another me. Oh, wow. Cool.
It's like a mirror who can trick my wife into (bleep) him."
Okay, okay, that's probably good enough.
Ronny Chieng, everybody.
I'm glad we didn't need to put those jokes on the show.
(applause)
Now, luckily, we didn't need more of Ronny's jokes
because, like most of Trump's speeches,
this one did have its funny moments.
So let's get into the speech.
Honestly, by Trump standards,
this was pretty chilled.
Probably because Melania really let him run around outside
to tire himself out, you know?
And speaking of Melania, she is really popular.
Madam Speaker,
Mr. Vice President,
members of Congress,
the First Lady of the United States.
(cheering and applause)
Look at that. An immigrant
got the first standing ovation of the night.
-I'm so proud. -(cheering and applause)
So proud.
My baby.
She be best.
Everyone is like, "You stay with her.
Well done. Ooh, we couldn't do it."
And with all protocol observed, the president then went on
to tell us how great he has made the United States.
In just over two years since the election,
we have launched an unprecedented economic boom.
5.3 million new jobs.
600,000 new manufacturing jobs.
Wages are rising at the fastest pace in decades.
We are a net exporter of energy.
We are considered far and away
the hottest economy anywhere in the world.
"That's right, folks. The economy's so hot.
"So hot it could totally be my daughter.
So damn hot."
(laughter and applause)
"So, so hot. Look at it."
(cheering and applause)
But Trump had a point with all of this.
Basically, what he was saying was,
"What with the economy being so hot,
it would be a shame if something were to happen to it."
An economic miracle is taking place in the United States,
and the only thing that can stop it
are foolish wars, politics
or ridiculous partisan investigations.
If there is going to be peace and legislation,
there cannot be war and investigation.
Okay, that didn't make sense, but it rhymed?
I wonder if Trump just wrote a bunch of rhymes
to try and stop the investigation.
He was just sitting in front of the mirror like,
"Life is fuller without Robert Mueller.
"Any collusion is an illusion.
"If you lock up the orange...
Nothing rhymes with orange. Okay."
But look, man. Bragging about the economy
and denying collusion--
that's just how Trump begins anything he says.
You know, even when he orders McDonald's,
he's probably like, "No collusion,
"millions of new jobs,
and give me three apple pies, please."
But all of that positive stuff
is just his way of clearing his throat, right?
The real theme of his speech was that we're all gonna die...
Mexican-style.
As we speak, large, organized caravans
are on the march to the United States.
Ruthless coyotes, cartels, drug dealers.
Human traffickers and sex traffickers.
Criminal illegal aliens.
Child smuggling.
The savage gang MS-13.
4,000 killings or murders.
Sadistic traffickers.
Very dangerous border.
The president will be available for children's parties
if you want to book him, folks.
Seriously, this part of the speech was so scary,
he should have just been doing it
with a flashlight under his chin.
"They're coming.
MS-13!"
But before you feel dejected, my friends,
the president has some good news.
You see, these problems can all go away
for the low, low price of $5.7 billion.
In the past, most of the people in this room
voted for a wall,
but the proper wall never got built.
I will get it built.
With a powerful barrier in place,
El Paso is one of the safest cities
in our country.
Simply put, walls work, and walls save lives.
(cheering and applause)
Really, Mr. President? Walls save lives?
Tell that to Humpty Dumpty.
He could have been an Instagram star.
Now he's just a frittata with 27 likes.
Now, this was a super long speech.
Like, way, way longer than usual.
It was so long, Nancy Pelosi got bored
and just started looking through the menu halfway through.
Like, what is she doing?
I kept expecting a waiter to come over
with an order of buffalo wings.
Just be like, "Here you go, ma'am."
"Thank you!"
But, eventually, there was one issue that woke up everybody
and brought the whole room together.
We have more women in the workforce
than ever before.
(cheering and applause)
Don't sit yet. You're gonna like this.
(laughter)
We also have more women serving in Congress
than at any time before.
(cheering and applause)
ALL: USA! USA!
USA! USA!
(chuckles): Yo, Donald Trump is a rock star, guys.
He just took credit for the Democrats electing more women.
That is such a rock-and-roll move!
(cheering and applause)
"Look at what we've done, folks!
Look at what we've done!"
I mean, to be fair, Donald Trump has done more
to get women Democrats elected than anyone else,
so I guess he does deserve the credit?
Yeah, it's the same way we should thank smallpox
for getting us into vaccines.
You know how it goes.
Oh, and we should also be thankful to the president
for keeping all of us out of hypothetical wars.
If I had not been elected president of the United States,
we would, right now, in my opinion,
be in a major war with North Korea.
-MAN: Yeah! -(applause)
"But thanks to me, folks,
"Kim Jong-un has walked all over the United States,
"built more missile silos,
"and given us nothing in return.
"They can't go to war with you
"if you've already surrendered, folks.
I did it! I did it!"
It's a brilliant line of reasoning, right,
where he's like, "In my opinion."
Yeah, yeah, in your opinion, anything can be right.
He's not wrong. In my opinion, we would--
Yeah, in-in my opinion, if Hillary won,
we would all be strawberries. That's my opinion.
I can't be wrong.
So, all in all, this was one of Trump's tamer speeches,
believe it or not. Border wall, illegal immigration,
economy's doing great, #NoCollusion--
same old, same old.
Yeah, it was pretty much along party lines.
If you're a Democrat, you stayed in the same place.
If you're a Republican, you stayed in the same place.
But there was one thing we can all agree on:
he read really well.
Yeah. He's really improved.
Like, I don't know if he's ready for a second term,
but he's definitely ready for the second grade.
I'm so proud of him.
(cheering and applause)
And, and, to his credit,
he tried to end the speech on a presidential note.
I ask the men and women of this Congress,
look at the opportunities before us.
Our most thrilling achievements
are still ahead.
Our most exciting journeys
still await.
Our biggest victories
are still to come.
We have not yet
begun to dream.
That's right, folks.
We have not yet begun to dream.
In other words,
the nightmare is just beginning.