WELCOME TO THE "LATE, LATE SHOW."
THANKS FOR STAYING UP FOR US.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE.
WE APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
CHEESIER, GUYS.
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
(APPLAUSE).
>> James: WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
NOW OF COURSE WE HAVE TO START WITH THE THING THAT EVERYONE IS
TALKING ABOUT, THE FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE AIRED
TONIGHT.
AND HONESTLY, I MEANT TO WATCH IT, I REALLY DID.
I DID, I DID.
AND I GOT-- I GOT DISTRACTED AGAIN AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT THIS IS THE SHOW THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE TURN
TO FOR THEIR NEWS.
(LAUGHTER) LIKE I KNOW WHEN SOMETHING BIG
HAPPENS IN POLITICS, EVERYONE IS ALWAYS LIKE OH, WHAT'S CORDEN'S
TAKE GOING TO BE.
(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, IN MANY WAYS, PEOPLE
THINK OF ME AS THE BRITISH JOHN OLIVER.
BUT-- (LAUGHTER)
BUT THE THING IS RIGHT BEFORE THE DEBATE AIRED, I WAS FLIPPING
THROUGH MY DVR AND I ENDED UP WATCHING THIS SHOW CALLED HAWAII
FIVE-O.
THE REBOOT OF THE SHOW FROM THE '70S.
WELL, THE EPISODES I SAW WAS FROM SEVEN SEVEN-- SEASON SEVEN
BUT SHOW I WAS ABLE TO FOLLOW ALONG WITHOUT ANY PROBLEM.
IT HAD ACTION, ADVENTURE.
IT HAD THAT GUY HURLEY FROM LOST.
IT HAD THAT OTHER GUY FROM LOST.
I CAN ONLY ASSUME THOSE GUYS JUST STAYED IN HAWAII AFTER THEY
SHOT "LOST."
LIKE THE SHOW EVEN HAS THE CLASSIC THEME SONG.
♪ NO, NO, NO.
WE'VE GOT-- WE HAVE GOT TO TALK ABOUT THE DEBATE, RIGHT NOW
APPARENTLY THERES WITH A BIG CONTROVERSY LEADING UP TO THE
EVENT WHEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED THEY WERE GOING TO
INVITE PRESIDENT OBAMA'S HALF BROTHER MALEEK WHO WAS A TRUMP
SUPPORTER, THEY WERE GOING TO INVITE HIM TO THE DEBATE.
I CAN IN THE BELIEVE THIS MALEEK GUY, IS HE FROM KENYA, RELATED
TO OBAMA AND HE SHOWS UP TO SUPPORT TRUMP.
I MEAN HE REALLY STABBED HIS BROTHER IN THE BACK.
WHICH IS EXACTLY LIKE HOW IN HAWAII FIVE-O--
(LAUGHTER) DR. MADISON GREY ENDED UP BEING
A SERIAL KILLER WHO STABBED DETECTIVE McGARRETT IN THE
BACK.
OH, HELL NO.
SORRY, WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO TALKING ABOUT THE DEBATE.
I MEAN NOW CLEARLY TRUMP IS USING OBAMA'S KENYAN HALF
BROTHER TO ADD FIRE TO THE BIRTHER CLAIM WHICH IS
RIDICULOUS BECAUSE OBAMA RELEASED HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE
AND WE SAW THAT HE WAS BORN IN HAWAII.
(LAUGHTER) HAWAII.
(LAUGHTER) HAWAII FIVE-O-- I WISH YOU GUYS
HAD SEEN THAT EPISODE!
IT HAD CARS, IT HAD HOT BABES, HAD IT GUNS, HAD IT HOT BABES
WITH GUNS IN CARS.
I MEAN LOOK!
NO, NO, NO, JAMES, COME ON.
PULL IT TOGETHER.
PEOPLE ARE DEFEND-- DEPENDING ON YOU.
THEY WANT ANALYSIS.
THEY WANT SATIRICAL ANALYSIS.
LET'S TALK ABOUT TRUMP'S CONSTANT CLAIMS THAT THE
ELECTION IS BEING RIGGED.
NOW TRUMP HAS BEEN REALLY PUSHING THIS IDEA HARD THE LAST
COUPLE OF WEEKS.
AND IF PEOPLE BELIEVE IT, IT COULD BREATHE LIFE BACK INTO
DONALD TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN.
KIND OF LIKE HOW ON HAWAII FIVE-O WHEN McGARRETT GAVE
ALECIA BROWN MOUTH TO MOUTH AFTER THEY WERE THROWN INTO AN
UNDERWATER DEATH TRAP.
NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
BUT YES, THIS IS ALL FROM THE SAME EPISODE.
NOW I DIDN'T SEE THE DEBATE.
I DIDN'T.
BUT I BET HILL RAE KEPT HER COOL, NO MATTER WHAT DONALD
TRUMP THREW AT HER.
AND THAT SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISING.
WOMEN DEAL WITH THEIR EMOTIONS BETTER THAN MEN.
WOMEN ARE LESS VY LENT EVEN WHEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY IMPAIRED.
BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, OKAY, I KNOW THAT IS A WEIRD
THING TO SAY.
BUT YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THOSE THINGS.
>> WOMEN DEAL WITH THEIR EMOTIONS BETTER THAN MEN.
WOMEN ARE LESS VY-EVEN WHEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY IMPAIRED, BUT
THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS-- .
>> James: THAT'S RIGHT, THEY SAID IT ON HAWAII FIVE-O.
SO LOOK, I DIDN'T SEE THE DEBATE BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY
HILLARY HAS ALREADY HAD TWO BOUTS WITH TRUMP AND SHE HAS
DONE REALLY WELL.
I HAVE A FEELING SHE LEFT TONIGHT'S DEBATE KIND OF THE WAY