-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
My name is Jimmy Fallon.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, this weekend, in between rounds of golf
at his private country club in New Jersey,
President Trump decided to take coronavirus financial aid
into his own hands. Listen to this.
-President Trump spent the weekend
at his golf resort in New Jersey.
He signed a series of executive orders,
billed as an end run around the gridlocked Congress.
-Yeah. Just so we're all clear, during a historic pandemic
that has crippled the economy,
the President of the United States signed
four executive orders to help the unemployed
from his private country club. [ Laughter ]
Even Marie Antoinette was like, "Come on, man, read the room.
I mean, this is..." [ Laughter ]
Seriously. It's not a great look when you're talking about
mass unemployment and a waiter passes by, like, "Crab puff?"
[ Laughter ]
Next, Trump plans to unveil a new stimulus bill
from a sauna at Mar-A-Lago.
[ Laughter ]
I'm pretty sure this is the first time in history
an executive order was signed with a tiny golf pencil.
[ Laughter ]
Americans were worried when the executive orders started with,
"From the creators of the President's
coronavirus response plan..."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Trump conducted a lot of presidential business
from his private country club this weekend.
He even held a press conference
with some club members in attendance.
I'm sure they all wore masks and watched from a distance
to ensure Trump's safety.
Can we see a photo?
-Oh, God. -Well, perfect.
'Cause if there's any barrier the virus can't penetrate,
it's loosely arranged bamboo chairs.
[ Laughter ]
They all look like they're modeling
J.Crew's new dad paunch collection.
[ Laughter ]
Trump was like, "Wow.
What a diverse crowd we have here today.
There's rich white guys in Polos of every color."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, these guys were like, "This is crazy.
One minute, I'm back taking a leak behind the 15th hole,
next, I'm witnessing a presidential press conference!"
[ Laughter ]
Well, it's not just the coronavirus
taking up Trump's time.
There are other issues he's dealing with.
Of course, I'm talking about a new report said
Trump asked about adding his face to Mount Rushmore.
Yeah, apparently, Trump said it was his dream
to have his face added.
Yeah, that's sort of like Dr. Fauci saying it's his dream
to play center for the Los Angeles Lakers.
[ Laughter ]
It turns out a fifth President can't be added to Mount Rushmore
'cause the rocks around it are unstable.
Actually, the more I think about it,
having something unstable means he's already
a part of Mount Rushmore, yeah.
Trump was like, "If Mount Rushmore doesn't work,
you can carve my face into one of the mountains
at the beautiful Yo-semite National Park."
[ Laughter ]
I think Trump's wasting his time with Mount Rushmore.
If he wants something carved into rock that looks like him,
the orange hue of the Grand Canyon
is a much better option.
Well, get this -- a jeweler says he's making the world's
most expensive face mask,
encrusted with gold and diamonds,
at the price of $1.5 million. Take a look at this.
This is real.
Yeah.
It's perfect if you want
both pro and anti-mask people to hate you.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I feel like an idiot because I just spent
a million dollars on a face mask made of crystals,
and now it looks cheap.
[ Laughter ]
Well, maybe the mask is a good idea, though.
It's a great way to tell everyone,
"I'm smart about health but dumb about everything else."
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to entertainment news.
Well, guys, yesterday was the start
of "Shark Week" on Discovery Channel.
-Whoo! -Yeah.
I hate to be a downer, but sharks are way down the list
of scary things right now for me.
I mean, seriously, right now, walking into a CVS
is scarier than "Shark Week."
[ Laughter ]
I'm not kidding. At this point,
it's safer to swim around the Atlantic dressed like a seal
than it is to go to Applebee's. [ Laughter ]
The only thing scarier than a school of sharks is a school.
[ Laughter ] -Ah! Nice!
♪♪
-Things are so crazy, sharks are now looking at
the crowded beaches like, "It is not safe out there."
[ Laughter ]
Well, finally, I saw that 7-Eleven is introducing
a new line of never-frozen pastries,
baked fresh in stores nationally.
Yep. Now their goods are freshly baked,
just like the kid working behind the counter.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, the taquitos on the rotating grill are like,
"Oh, you think you're better than me?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep. Fresh pastries and burned coffee.
They're just one rubbery egg away from being Starbucks.