- [Announcer] A warning, this story includes graphic
descriptions that may be disturbing to some viewers.
Viewer discretion is advised.
(static buzzing) (phone keypad beeping)
- Hello. - Hello, can you hear me?
- Yeah. - This is Dani McFarlin.
Do you remember me? - Yeah, what's up?
- [Danielle] I'm just calling just to let you know, I guess,
more or less what my life has been like due to having
been molested by you guys as a kid.
- [Man] Okay.
- [Danielle] You know, at five or six, seven, eight,
I was just too young, I guess, to handle it all.
(static buzzing)
(static distorts man's speech)
(ominous instrumental music)
By the time I was in kindergarten, I had already been
sexually abused by three different people.
I was raped when I was three years old,
and they all made me promise never to tell anybody.
One of them told me that if I did,
that my parents weren't gonna love me anymore,
that I was like officially unlovable,
and they would disown me and kick me out on the streets.
Another one threatened to kill my dog.
Nobody knew, and it was all just my little secret
or my big secret.
(bird wings flapping)
I grew up in Nogales, Arizona.
I never really felt like I fit in,
but I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere
because I was putting on this mask
of trying to pretend to be somebody I wasn't.
This is definitely during the dark years.
I'm trying to figure out how old I was.
I was trying to pretend that I wasn't a survivor,
trying to pretend that I wasn't dealing with trauma,
trying to pretend that I was normal,
and I never felt normal.
(static buzzing)
It scars deep, and it scars through every vein of my body,
and there's no hiding it.
I mean, I wish you guys would've burned me
so I had physical scars, 'cause that'd be easier
to cope with than the emotional.
I mean, I look at myself in the mirror,
and you know, it's just a constant memory
of what you guys did to me.
Any of my traumas have been so impacting,
they completely shifted my life.
Every single one of them sent me in a different direction
off course of where I was headed.
When I got into high school,
I started hanging out with some people.
He invited me out one night.
He would find me after school and kind of signal
very sternly, like, I'm giving you a ride home.
And I didn't want to do anything that night.
I said no, I'd get in the car,
and he would have other friends with him,
and then it was expected that I'd take care
of whoever he brought along as well.
And I was terrified, so I got like backed
into a corner and then had to give in.
He threatened that if I ever told anybody,
they could go look for my body in Mexico
'cause that would be where they would find me.
So there was no talking about it then, either.
I graduated early because I was just done
and I wanted to get out of that town.
And moved out to Philly and was lonely.
I didn't know a single soul out there.
On my weekends, I had nothing to do.
I'd run up and go visit a friend of the family
that lived in Long Island, and then I woke up
in the middle of the night to him having sex with me.
(heart beating)
And I thought I had something that said
Abuse Me on my forehead.
A week after I was ready to jump off of a bridge,
and someone had called the police.
They showed up, and they took me to a hospital that night.
A month later, I attempted to overdose, and they pumped.
Four more attempts, so I couldn't even kill myself right.
Emotionally, I was starting to crack.
I could feel that I was becoming less stable,
and I felt like I needed to come home.
The lady that gave this to me said she got it in Nogales.
- Really? - Yeah.
I met Robin after I had moved back from Philly.
As soon as we met each other, we just kinda hit it off.
She definitely kept me in the light a whole lot longer.
Well, I'm glad you said yes to coming today.
(Robin laughs) That says a lot.
It feels more complete. - It was an automatic yes.
Everywhere we went, I just remember people would
look at us or wanna hang out with us
and ask us out, and it was just fun.
It was just really a good time.
Up until that weekend that we decided to go to Nogales.
And then we parted ways for about 16 years.
- [Danielle] You feel it like in your body
and it's starting to hit you, and you're like,
oh, yeah, there's no turning back now.
- [Robin] Yeah, the point of no return.
Come on. - There it is.
There it is.
- 'Cause we started out at a restaurant
where we were just drinking margaritas,
and we decided to cross the street over to Cucarachas,
and we were not feeling well.
And it would be much more than having the alcohol effect.
And I didn't even realize at the time
that we most likely had been roofied.
(ominous instrumental music)
Robin, I write this letter with absolutely no expectations.
I'm so sorry for any and all of the pain I caused you.
I'm sorry I shut down after Mexico.
I had completely blocked the memories
of the second part of that night.
The employee came up behind me and pulled my pants down.
As he plunged into me from behind, I began to puke.
Fortunately, that got him to back off.
You became a trigger for all the pain,
and in that in turn triggered memories
of all the unhealed sexual trauma from my past.
Things got so incredibly dark for me.
I spent many nights on the floor of my bedroom
on River Road with a gun in my mouth.
And I couldn't pull the trigger.
(calm piano music)
- I feel sadness right now, I'm not angry.
I just have a heavy heart.
I pushed her as far away as I could.
I didn't want her to be as impacted by my death
because I was sure I was actually gonna die.
On the final attempt, I felt this presence,
and I heard this voice say, you can't leave yet.
You have work to do.
(camera flash snaps) (static buzzes)
(phone beeps)
- [Danielle] Hello?
- [Man] Can I speak to Danielle?
- It's Danielle.
And then I thought about some of the other people
who were still living that had assaulted me,
and I realized that they, too,
could still be doing this to other kids.
Then I decided to call them up and confront them
about it and record my conversations.
And you know, I've been through tons and tons of therapy.
And I took the tapes to the police.
- [Man] I'm sorry about it, completely sorry.
- Well, I accept your apology.
That wasn't enough evidence to prosecute.
So I decided at that point that I had to find
a new way to reach people.
I had to go through hell to find my way out,
to find my way to the other side to healing,
and I needed to create a bridge
so that I could help other people find their way, too.
That day on the red couch, I stopped looking at myself
as a victim, and I realized that I'm a survivor!
(calm piano music)
- It was a strange sensation to feel.
I'm very proud of her, but also just devastated
that this person I loved so much had been through that.
And I didn't even know.
So you just don't know until you're in it.
- The reality is that the wound is still there.
It's always going to be there, and it's terrifying
to go into these things alone.
It really helps to have somebody
who can hold your hand and walk you through the steps
to face your demons and take back your power.
All right, can you turn around for me, please?
(calm piano music)
I'm healing, and I am always healing.
And maybe that's part of what being a healer is
is that as you help others and they heal,
you know, it heals you, too.