WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: WHOO!
WASHINGTON IS STILL REELING FROM YESTERDAY'S OP-ED IN THE "NEW
YORK TIMES" BY AN ANONYMOUS.
SENIOR ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL.
AN OP-ED THAT LEGALLY CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED WITH ONE WORD.
>> EXPLOSIVE ANONYMOUS OP-ED IN THE
THE "NEW YORK TIMES."
>> YOU GOT THIS EXPLOSIVE OP-ED IN "NEW YORK TIMES."
>> EXPLOSIVE NEW OP-ED.
>> EXPLOSIVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, JAKE
TAPPER.
( LAUGHTER ) PUT THEY SAY EXPLOSIVE.
THE WORD I WOULD HAVE USED FOR THIS OP-ED IS CONFUSING
BECAUSE, IF YOU'RE INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE PRETENDING TO LOYAL
BUT SECRETLY THWARTING THE PRESIDENT TO PROTECT THE REST OF
US, WHY ARE YOU TELLING US?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THEY'LL STOP YOU!
"DON'T WORRY, HONEY, I'M RIGHT BEHIND THE KILLER READY TO GRAB
THE KNIFE AND HE'S TURNING AROUND BECAUSE HE HEARD
EVERYTHING I JUST SAID.
AND... HE'S STABBED ME."
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
ACCORDING TO THE ANONYMOUS AUTHOR, MANY OF TRUMP'S SENIOR
OFFICIALS ARE WORKING DILIGENTLY FROM WITHIN TO FRUSTRATE HIS
WORST INCLINATIONS.ñr AND THAT'S NOT EASY BECAUSE ALL
OF TRUMP'S INCLINATIONS ARE TIED FOR WORST.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS A GUY WHOSE DIET CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF CHEAT DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, NOW THE HUNT FOR THE
AUTHOR IS ON.
THE OP-ED HAS SENT TREMORS THROUGH THE WEST WING AND
LAUNCHED A FRANTIC GUESSING GAME.
AS OPPOSED TO THE OTHER TRUMP GAMES... THERE'S COLLUSIONAL
CHAIRS, CHARADE OF A MARRIAGE, AND PIN THE CRIME ON THE DON JR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HOLD STILL -- HOLD STILL, DONNIE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, SOME FOLKS THINK THEY KNOW
WHO WROTE THE OP-ED BECAUSE OF AN UNUSUAL WORD IN THIS PASSAGE,
WHICH DESCRIBES JOHN MCCAIN'S LEGACY AS "A LODESTAR FOR
RESTORING HONOR TO PUBLIC LIFE AND OUR NATIONAL DIALOGUE."
I ACTUALLY THINK MY SISTER DRIVES A 2009 SUZUKI LODESTAR.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT WORD MIGHT BE A CLUE,çó
LODESTAR, BECAUSE IT HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE'S FAVORITES.
>> "TO MAINTAIN INTERNATIONAL PEACE" MUST AGAIN BE OUR
LODESTAR.
VIGILANCE AND RESOLVE AS OUR LODESTAR.
CONTINUE TO BE A LODESTAR.
JACK'S LODESTAR.
IT REALLY WAS THE LODESTAR.
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
IT'S SO UNLIKE MIKE PENCE TO MAKE A STRANGE WORD CHOICE.
JUST ASK HIS WIFE, "MOTHER."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT PENCE IS PUSHING BACK,
BECAUSE AFTER THE SPECULATION STARTED, HE DENIED WRITING THE
OP-ED.
HE ALSO DENIED HAVING A CLOSET FULL OF BUMPER STICKERS THAT
SAY, "MIKE PENCE 2020: I WROTE THE OP-ED!"
( LAUGHTER ) WHOEVER IT IS, THE PRESIDENT IS
FURIOUS, AND HE VENTED HIS FRUSTRATION ON TWITTER.
LAST NIGHT, HE POSTED THIS SIMPLE QUERY: "TREASON?"
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
I THINK HE ACCIDENTALLY MIXED UP HIS TWITTER FEED WITH HIS TEXTS
TO PUTIN.
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY FANS OF PUTIN HERE, ARE
YOU?
YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT HAS BECOME
OBSESSED WITH FINDING THE LEAKER, AND WE KNOW THIS BECAUSE
OF ANOTHER LEAKER WHO LEAKED THAT TRUMP SAID, "WE'VE GOT TO
GET RID OF THEM.
THE SNAKES ARE EVERYWHERE, BUT WE'RE GETTING RID OF THEM."
AND STAFFERS ARE TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.
I'M BEING TOLD WE JUST GOT SOME FOOTAGE FROM INSIDE THE WEST
WING.
>> I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE ( BLEEP ) SNAKES ON THIS
( BLEEP ) WHITE HOUSE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )?;■ >> STEPHEN: WE'RE KIDDING, OF
COURSE.
NO BLACK PEOPLE WORK AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IF YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY
SNAKES, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'VE ONLY GOT YOURSELF TO BLAME.
YOU HIRED THEM.
AND IF YOU FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE, I THINK I KNOW WHAT THEY'LL
SAY.
>> YOU KNEW DAMN WELL I WAS A SNAKE BEFORE YOU TOOK ME IN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HOW DOES THAT
FEEL?
HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?
TRUMP FEELS SURROUNDED BY TRAITORS AT THIS POINT.
SO IT'S NO WONDER THAT ONE OF TRUMP'S FRIENDS SAID THAT HE
FRETTED AFTER WEDNESDAY'S OP-ED THAT HE COULD TRUST ONLY HIS
CHILDREN.
REALLY?
HAS HE SEEN HIS CHILDREN?
( LAUGHTER ) "WE LOVE YOU TO PIECES, FATHER.
TINY, DIGESTIBLE PIECES."
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S WELL MARBLED.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S BEING PAINTED IN THIS
EDITORIAL AS AN IMMORAL IDIOT, BUT FIRST THING THIS
MORNING, TRUMP HIT BACK WITH A STERLING CHARACTER WITNESS.
"KIM JONG-UN OF NORTH KOREA PROCLAIMS 'UNWAVERING FAITH IN
PRESIDENT TRUMP.' THANK YOU TO CHAIRMAN KIM.
WE WILL GET IT DONE TOGETHER!" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YOU CAN'T HAVE A MURDEROUS DICTATOR VOUCH FOR YOU.
THIS IS WORSE THAN THAT DISASTROUS '70S AD CAMPAIGN:
"CHOOSY MOMS CHOOSE JIF!
AND SO DOES POL POT."