(Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston)
Boomstick: Thousands of years ago, one Greek guy punched another Greek guy and then they just turned it into a sport.
Wiz: Indeed.
Boxing is one of the oldest Olympic sports and has since been refined and perfected over nearly 3000 years.
And today we're pitting two of gaming's toughest boxers head-to-head.
Wiz: Balrog, the Crazy Buffalo from Street Fighter.
Boomstick: And TJ Combo, the hard-hitting champ from Killer Instinct.
He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE!
(Cues: Balrog's Theme - Sexy Trunks)
Boxer, gambler, cheater.
Heavyweight champ Balrog has been called many things; merciful was never one of them.
Boomstick: Hard to blame him given his rough upbringing.
Born and raised in a ghetto neighborhood, the young brawler to be had one goal: to leave his poor family and taste that sweet, sweet American dream.
You know, the booze-in', gamblin', and womanizin' kind of dream.
Wiz: Uproot at heart, Balrog learned early on that he had a gift for roughing others up. A gift which he soon turned into a professional boxing career.
Boomstick: Does that really surprise anyone though?
I mean, look at the guy!
His skin can barely even contain his own muscles!
Wiz: At 6'4" and 298 lbs, Balrog is a monster.
Compared to real life boxers, Balrog would be the second largest heavyweight champion in the entire history of the sport.
Boomstick: Talk about a beast.
He makes good use of that size and strength and he specializes in slugger style boxing.
Wiz: Out of the four generally accepted styles of boxing, sluggers are the most straightforward.
They sacrifice mobility and finesse in favor of unwavering perseverance and terrifying brute force.
Boomstick: And Balrog embodies this style to a tee.
Sluggers are great at takin' lots of hits without going down and then KO'ing their opponents with just a couple big punches.
And Balrog's case, his dashing punches let him come in swingin'.
His Screw Smash uppercut is so brutal he can power through other attacks.
But Balrog's strength really shines with his famous Gigaton Blow or with his incredibly deadly Turn Punch
...If he's able to hit anything with it, that is.
The longer he tenses his arm up for, the more powerful the move gets.
Wiz: While all these moves are fair game in the rules of boxing, fairness is the last thing Balrog cares about.
Boomstick: Damn! This friggin' guy is crazy.
I mean really, look at those eyes.
That's the same look old Grandpappy Boomstick had every time he came home with some fresh poultry dinner.
'Till the damned chickens got him.
Wiz: Unfortunately his victory was short-lived.
When he returned to the ring, he ended up killing his opponent.
With his career ruined, Balrog return to the life of gambling, booze and women.
Boomstick: Man he got to kill a guy and drink all day!?
Talk about livin' the life.
But B-rog wasn't done flexing his fighting skills.
He joined the crime syndicate Shadaloo and basically punched his way up to become its founder's right-hand man.
And who wouldn't want somebody as rough and tough as Balrog at their side?
Wiz: Especially since he's so strong he once killed an elephant with just one punch.
See this one? His name's Kodal; Balrog killed his best friend.
Boomstick: Good, frigging elephants had it coming for years, never shut up!
And someone always loses on Dhalsim's stage.
Wiz: Elephants commonly used their skulls to knock down trees, meaning they can withstand a force of at least 10,000 pounds.
The strongest punch ever recorded comes from Heavyweight champ Frank Bruno with a force of 1,420 pounds.
A dangerous amount of strength to be sure, but still only one seventh of Balrog's potential.
Boomstick: But Balrog wouldn't be a true slugger if he couldn't take a beating.
He battled the sumo wrestler E. Honda and the two fell off a cliff and they both survived.
Wiz: We know this fight takes place in Thailand and on a cliff overlooking a river.
This area is very similar to the northern Kwai Yai river which can be more than 300 feet wide.
By comparing that to the width of the river as seen here we can estimate the cliff to be 1,272 feet high.
But while Balrog may have the raw power of a slugger, he's got all the downsides that come with it too.
Wiz: A smart enough opponent could potentially predict and counter his attacks.
This Is how he lost to other Street Fighters like Dudley and Alex.
Boomstick: Yeah he's not the brightest shed in the tool if you know what I mean.
Wiz: Tool in the shed.
Boomstick: You're a tool.
After Shadaloo's head honcho was defeated, Balrog got a promotion and ran the whole crime syndicate himself.
Until he ran the whole organization into the ground.
Wiz: Probably a few too many blows to the head.
Boomstick: But hey! We're not here to test his management skills.
Balrog's been out of the ring for years, but today he's here to show he still got what it takes to win.
At the end of the day you got to respect the Crazy Buffalo.
Balrog: I can almost smell the money now... If I can pull this off I'll be on easy street forever.
(Cues: Killer Instinct - Main Theme)
Boomstick: Standing 6'1" and weighing 220 lbs, TJ Combo is the definition of a champion.
Wiz: But he didn't start out that way.
Born to a poor family on the Texas coast, Tyler-Johnson Garett was in for a rough road to fame and glory.
TJ didn't have much but he did have boxing.
Boomstick: TJ's dad trained him to box and he joined the Junior League when he was 12 years old.
Where he promptly lost.
Wiz: But instead of learning from his mistakes and trying again the next year,
TJ replaced the padding in his glove with a roll of quarters, and got his revenge with one savage blow.
If he learned anything that day, it was only how good it felt to win.
Boomstick: Well, the Junior League didn't exactly agree, so they kicked him out.
For the rest of his childhood he was in and out of trouble; but unwilling to give up TJ eventually took what little he owned to start a new life at a boxing gym in Chicago.
As a janitor.
Hey, you gotta start somewhere.
Wiz: TJ's love for boxing never died.
Every dollar he earned was spent on boxing lessons.
Every spare minute, studying legends like Mike Tyson and Muhammad Ali.
Boomstick: You could say he was really cleanin' it up in the ring.
Until he finally got a shot at the Heavyweight Championship.
Wiz: Like his hero Ali, TJ fights using an out-boxer style,
staying outside an opponent's reach with basic maneuvers and taking advantage of missed swings.
Boomstick: And TJ's go to attack is his mighty Power Line.
Wait a minute...
Isn't that the band from A Goofy Movie?
Wiz: No.
Boomstick: Aww.
It's a straight punch that knocks even the toughest opponents backward.
His Tremor Punch is a flying overhand attack that can hit the ground so hard it creates a shockwave that knocks people off their feet.
And he can even send them skyward with his Vortex Uppercut.
Wiz: But his fighting style goes beyond mere punches.
His Flying Knee is good for aggressively closing in on opponents.
And his Shoot Toss set them up for his famous combos.
Boomstick: That's where he got the nickname: "TJ Combo".
Wiz: Is that how you got your nickname, Boomstick?
Boomstick: Nickname?
What the hell are you talking about?
Wiz: Oh, never mind.
Through years of hard work and dedication, TJ eventually won the heavyweight championship.
At last, fame, fortune, and glory were in his hands, and then they all went to his head.
TJ got lazy, blowing his prize money on parties.
Boomstick: Good for him.
Wiz: And ignoring his training until he lost the title.
Boomstick: Aw, shoot. Man, this poor guy just can't keep it together, can he?
Wiz: That's when the world dominating mega corporation Ultratech (aka evil Wal-mart),
offered TJ an experimental surgical procedure to put him back on top.
Boomstick: And TJ remembered the lesson he learned long ago: If all else fails, just cheat shamelessly.
Wiz: Ultratech fused titanium implants into TJ's arms, drastically increasing his striking power.
Within six months, TJ won his title back, and held it for twenty years, but Ultratech wanted a favor in return.
Boomstick: They waited twenty whole years to cash in the favor?
Nobody's that patient.
Wiz: Ultratech had a new product, a robot warrior they wanted to showcase in a battle against the boxing champ.
They left TJ with one word of instruction: Lose.
Boomstick: But TJ smashed it to pieces in front of a live audience, because screw perfectly legal, long-term business contracts.
Wiz: In response, Ultratech exposed TJ for the cheater he was, and thus, he was banned from boxing, again!
But this time, TJ refused to go out in disgrace.
Boomstick: So he ripped the metal right out of his arms with his bare hands.
(Cues: Killer Instinct - Main Theme (Xbox One version) Like a badass!
Wiz: Or a complete idiot.
But by some extreme luck, Ultratech's experimentation left him with a minor healing factor, which ensured his arms weren't ruined forever.
What's more, he also learned he could enter a berserker mode, which enables him to move and punch faster when in desperate situations.
Boomstick: Well, robo arms or not, TJ is one impressive fighter.
His punches can launch heavy enemies like Fulgore over thirteen feet into the air, and holding the championship for twenty years is way longer than the world record.
Wiz: Currently, the longest held heavyweight title belongs to Joe Louis, whose reign lasted eleven years, eight months, and eight days.
TJ defended his title for nearly twice that length.
Boomstick: Plus, TJ's got plenty of experience outside the ring.
Without implants, he's defeated the secret agent Orchid, the upgraded war bot Fulgore Mk II,
and killed multiple Ultratech super dinosaurs!
That's right, this is a boxer who kills frickin' velociraptors on the regular.
Wiz: And he's obviously very resilient to pain, like when he survived jumping out of an Ultratech skyscraper.
Based on the amount of time it takes other unfortunate visitors to fall from the top floor, this building must be 1,162 feet tall.
Boomstick: But we all know this boxing champ never had a perfect record.
He lost fights to Glacius, the ice alien, and twice was outmatched by squads of Ultratech super soldiers.
Wiz: Also, while TJ's Out-Boxer style is quick and resilient, it can be overwhelmed by an aggressive enough opponent.
If he gets overconfident, he's sure to lose an important fight sooner rather than later.
Boomstick: But since being outed, he's determined to prove his skill is all natural. It's gonna take a lot to bring down a champion like TJ Combo.
TJ: And don't think for a moment that I'll let anything get in my way.
'Cause if you give me that moment...
I'll win!
Wiz: All right, the combatants are set.
Let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: But first, it wouldn't be a boxing match without some food to go along so here's how you get your hands on some.
Grandpappy Boomstick always said that nothing in life is better than good food and makin' somethin' with your own two hands.
And Blue Apron is both those things combined.
Wiz: Blue Apron is the #1 fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country.
All ingredients arrive right to your door guaranteed fresh and ready to cook.
Boomstick: It's better than eatin' fast food plus It's affordable; Blue Apron is less than $10 per person per meal.
Wiz: Choose from a variety of recipes and get the meals that sound good to you.
The ingredients are purposely proportioned and the instructions are easy to follow.
I mean even Boomstick can do it!
Boomstick: Hey, watch it! Or you're not getting any to the next meal I make when it arrives.
Like the meatball pizza with fresh mozzarella cheese and charm tomatoes.
Wiz: And if you're worried about variety, don't bother! Recipes are not repeated within the year so you'll never get bored.
Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free-shipping by going to BlueApron.com/BATTLE
Boomstick: You'll love how good it feels and taste to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.
So don't wait.
Wiz: That's BlueApron.com/BATTLE
Boomstick: Blue Apron: A better way to cook.
But right now... IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen; Introducing our first fighter:
He's big, he's crude, and all raw hide.
He's BALROOOOOOOG!!!
Now for his challenger: a heavyweight champion with a shady history, who's here to prove he can beat the best of the best even without awesome metal arms.
He's TJ COMMMMBOOO!!!
TJ: Man, think you got what it takes to beat the champ!?
Balrog: (laughs)
You won't even make it to Round 2, wimp!
(Cues: I'm Back (to Rise!) - Mick Gordon)
Announcer: Here we go!
Aaaaaaaaaaand...
FIGHT!
Balrog starts strong and ferocious.
Better stay out of his way, TJ!
TJ's quick, but Balrog is clearly overwhelming him.
Just like that Balrog puts Combo in the corner!
And here he comes for the follow-up!
TJ's not in a good spot!
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!?
Did TJ just turn this around!?
Incredible!
Out of nowhere, Balrog's the first to fall!
Balrog: Annoying bastard...
I'll break you like a ragdoll!
(Bell rings)
Announcer: That's the bell ending round 1.
Folks, it looked like Balrog clearly has the reigns in this fight,
But I'd say TJ proved he can give as good as he gets.
Moving into round 2,
I think this is too close to call!
(Bell rings)
TJ: What you got, huh!?
Huh!?
HUH!
Anouncer: Whoa! (audience booing) A dirty move from Balrog.
Whoa! That's not appropiate!
Balrog: Come on, tiny!
Just you and me!
TJ: Bring it on, asshole!
KI Announcer: C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER
Announcer: They won't stop! How long can this go!?
Balrog: You won't the hear the full ten-count!
Why don't you go to hell!?
Announcer: I can't believe it! Combo's down!
This could be over!
TJ: I ain't done!
Balrog: Wait, what?
Announcer: TJ's back up with his Last Breath!!
HOLY JUMPING GIBLETS!!!
TJ Combo takes the title in absolutely brutal fashion!
Excuse me... I gotta hurl...
DEATH BATTLE Announcer: KO
Boomstick: HO HO!
It's just like Rock'em Sock'em Robots!
....only I don't think his head's getting reattached.
Wiz: This was an extremely close bout; in fact, both fighters were evenly matched in a lot of unexpected ways.
Boomstick: Being a slugger, Balrog was obviously used to havin' the strength advantage.
But TJ actually had him matched.
Wiz: Recall how Balrog punch killed an elephant whose skull could stand 10,000 pounds of force or 44,482 newtons.
In comparison, TJ's Vortex Punch is capable of hitting opponents at a minimum of 13.4 feet into the air.
Even if they weighed as much as 550 pounds like Fulgore.
To launch something that heavy with just a punch would require 44,820 newtons of force.
Boomstick: Dang that's close.
And that's not even TJ's strongest punch.
Even their ability to take hits were pretty similar.
Like Balrog falling off the cliff, or TJ jumpin' out of the Ultratech skyscraper.
Both of which were at similar heights.
Wiz: Luckily for TJ, analyzing real-life boxing trends revealed his inherent advantage over Balrog.
The popular triangle theory of boxing, also called the rock-paper-scissors theory,
claims that sluggers such as Balrog naturally struggle against out-boxers like TJ.
Boomsick: Yeah, Slugger punches are really strong but they're predictable and require more energy,
so a good Out-boxer could just keep his distance.
Capitalizing on mistakes and then wear the slugger down over time until the opportune chance for a knockout blow.
Wiz: Obviously it's called a theory for a reason; every boxer is different.
However, when applied at a very fundamental level, the triangle theory holds weight.
Boomstick: Like when Ali took the title from slugger George Foreman in the famous "Rumble in the Jungle",
by using those Out-Boxer tactics.
Wiz: And don't forget TJ kept a heavyweight title for over twenty years.
Despite how closely matched their power and durability were, TJ's speed, tactics, and experience won the match by permanent knockout.
Boomstick: You could say TJ had the instinct for this fight, and it was a killer.
Wiz: The winner is TJ Combo.
TJ: Yeah!
Ben: Stick around we're about to announce the combatants for the next DEATH BATTLE!
Chad: And if you wanna watch the exclusive commentary on this episode click that little box over there and start a FIRST membership trial.
Ben: You should try grab one of these shirts too.