If you want to make dating easier for you
so that you don't find yourself
being attached to people who hurt you
or basically make the whole process
really confusing and disappointing
then what you need is boundaries.
And this is a video that I often get requested to do
so I’m going to do it.
How to set boundaries when dating?
Let's talk about all of that.
(Music)
Hey guys, welcome back
I’m Renee Slansky and this week for Flirtini
I’m doing a video on
boundaries when it comes to dating.
What sort of boundaries that you should be setting
and how to be able to set them?
Now, before I jump into that
don't forget to subscribe,
give me a thumbs up, a heart, or a like.
Okay, the first boundary you need to set
when you are dating
is something that may come across
quite controversial
however is something that I completely stand for
and that is this.
Do not go home with that person
on the first date.
Now, when I say don't go home with them
I don't necessarily mean sex.
Obviously, I suggest
not to be able to have sex
with somebody on the first date.
However, if you think well,
I’m just going to go home with them
but we're not going to have sex, it doesn't matter.
Don't go back to their place on the first date
and the reason why is this.
Going back to someone's home is intimate territory
and not just for maybe physical intimacy
but also emotional intimacy
and it is something that they should earn over time.
This is about setting yourself up
to be able to have layers and stages where you
give somebody access to you over time
once they have proved
that they're not going to take advantage of you.
And if you move into familiar and
emotional and intimate territory too soon
such as going back to their house
for a drink after the first date
it really makes the date
and the relationship become
way too casual too soon
instead of them realizing hang on a second,
I actually need to earn
this stage with the next person.
Another reason if you go back
to their place too soon
it usually means that you're making the date
longer than what it should be.
And a first date should really only be between
two to three hours at most
so that you can have enough time
to get to know each other,
work out if there is a connection, and then leave
with still a little bit of tension there
and some answers on whether or not
you need to have a second date with them.
Number two, make sure that
your expectations are met.
Now, there's a saying out there where you know
they say oh, don't have any expectations
and you'll never get disappointed, which is just rubbish.
You need to have expectations
because expectations mean
that you have standards.
And standards are there for a reason because
you are communicating
what type of relationship you want
and what makes you happy
and feel fulfilled as a person.
So, there are certain expectations that need to be met
and what I've done is I've actually done
another video for Flirtini
on this, which you can check out later.
Which is all about the fundamentals
that you should not compromise on
when it comes to dating.
Okay, number three, pace yourself.
Boundaries are there to protect you
and also to set you up.
And if you don't have boundaries
when it comes to dating
what you'll do is you'll just let anybody
come into your heart,
your mind, your life,
and you will find yourself being disappointed,
taken advantage of, or hurt.
So, what we need to do is we need to understand
who are we dating?
And by pacing yourself
and slowing down the process
of actually getting to know that person
before you become attached
it means that you give yourself an opportunity
to be able to work out
is this somebody who I should be attaching to
in the first place?
So, by setting that boundary
and only seeing them maybe
once a week for the first month
and then as you start to progress
maybe see them two times a week
for the second and third month
and slowing down the amount of time
that you actually spend together.
It means that you're able to communicate to them
that you're not just going to give them
everything of yourself
just because you like them,
they need to be able to earn
that place in your heart and in your life.
Which brings me to point number four,
they have to earn your emotions in stages.
Now, this basically means
that there are certain milestones in dating
and just because you like someone
it's not a green flag to go all in
and give them your whole heart
when you don't really know a lot about them.
So, again, see putting a boundary down as
yes, let's go out for a few casual dates
and then next stage.
Yes, let's go out for a dinner date,
which is a bit more intimate
because you're in a more intimate environment.
Then the third stage
yes, let's go back to each other's houses
no sex, no intimacy
just so we can be in each other's environments.
And then the fourth stage is obviously
when you start to escalate it a bit more
by actually putting that boundary when it comes to
you can see me in this circumstance
and I’m going to reveal this much
about myself, okay.
It means that they are realizing
hang on a second,
I can't just have access to all of this person.
It means that you're able to protect
and guard your heart
from again being attached to someone
that could take advantage of it.
Gives you an opportunity to assess
who you are actually dating
and it also shows whether or not
they're ready to invest into you
the time needed
to actually give you a solid relationship.
Okay, number five,
don't go and give them the benefits
if they are unable
to give you the commitment, okay.
Don't go give them wife benefits
if they can't give you husband commitment.
Or don't give them girlfriend benefits
if they can't give you boyfriend commitment, okay.
And vice versa for the guys.
You know this is about realizing that
you know they don't get to have
certain things that you can give them
without giving you a certain amount back.
This isn't about being self-entitled,
this is about setting a standard.
Relationships are about progression
you should be moving through the stages
and if you're not and you're stagnating
or they're wanting all the benefits without doing
what they need to do
to be able to earn those benefits of a relationship
then it becomes a one-way street
and you end up chasing that person,
you end up over giving,
and they end up taking advantage
and you basically have this idea in your head that
I've given this much.
You know, why aren't they giving me more
but they don't have to
because you're already giving it to them.
So, make sure
that if they're not giving you the level of commitment
that is required at each stage of dating
don't go give them the benefit of say
stage five if they're only at stage two of commitment.
And lastly number six,
a huge thing when it comes to
setting boundaries in dating
is give consequences.
If they are going to turn up late
all the time to your dates
or become flaky or ghost you
don't just sit back and take it
don't be a doormat.
This is about communicating clearly
that you have unapologetic standards
and you're not going to be treated as second rate
or you're not going to be somebody
that they just casually decide to pick up
when it's convenient for them.
Make sure that you use
verbal communication as well as actions
to actually say to them hang in a second
because you did this or said this
this is going to be the consequence.
Now, this can work for good things and bad things.
Obviously if they do the right thing by you
then you need to reward that behavior
and I don't mean going and
you know, getting intimate.
What I mean is affirming what they're doing
and allowing them to have
a little bit more access to you
because again they have actually showed
that they are ready for the task
to be able to value you for who you are.
All right, girls and guys
I hope that this video has really helped you
understand more
about boundaries when it comes to dating.
And let us know in the comments down below
what are some of the boundaries
that you struggle with
when it comes to dating
and we can answer some of those
questions for you.
In the meantime don't forget
to check out the Flirtini App
I have linked it in the bio down below.
I'm Renee Slansky
like, subscribe, heart all of that,
and I will see you guys next time, bye for now.
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