(keyboard clicks)
- Everyone!
(voices scream)
(intense music)
The skunk ape.
The skunk ape is on the loose.
It's gonna eat everyone.
- [Both] Oh my God, Shane!
- Stink.
It is the skunk ape!
(both wail)
- Mad Dog Seal's the name.
I know the skunk ape.
Bayou Billy, Florida Bigfoot, Swamp-squatch, I know it.
I know what it wants, what it needs,
what makes it happy, what scares it.
I'll kill it for you.
- But Mad Dog, no one's been able to kill the skunk ape.
It releases its stinky stench and rips you limb from limb!
- No, Rica, look at the eye scar on this beautiful man!
Only badasses who do badass things get scars like that.
- Actually, I got this scar from licking an envelope
to return my 2019 federal taxes.
(gasps)
- Taxes are tough, you brave man.
- [Rica] Taxes are not badass.
- Taxes are badass.
Doing them every year?
- Yes, something you do every year is not badass.
- There's no time to talk about scars,
not while the skunk ape lurks.
I've seen that monster simian eat a man in three bites
and that man was a professional wrestler.
- No!
- No, which one?
- Big Show.
(both wail)
- He didn't deserve to die.
- The bastard almost got me as well.
How do you think I got these scars?
- How?
- She scratched me all up
when I was trying to clean out her kitty litter.
- What?
- My cat, the bastard.
She was skittish after me being gone for a long time
after chasing the skunk ape and...
she scratched me.
- Okay, no, no, no.
Cat scratches are nothing, okay?
I get scratched by cats all the time.
- It still hurts when I think about it.
(animal growls)
(screams)
Quiet!
Move against the wall, now!
Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Eat my steel, you stinky ape!
(both wail)
- Mad Dog!
Mad Dog!
Oh my God, you're bleeding.
You're bleeding!
- No, no, no.
I'm sorry, I'm just having heartburn
and I think that's Szechuan sauce from dinner.
- Oh my God, Mad Dog, you're my hero!
- Ew, Tao.
- What-- it's tangy!
- Okay.
Mad Dog, thank you so much for your bravery
and for saving us from the skunk ape.
Really.
- You're welcome.
But actually, I didn't kill it.
It had a massive heart attack.
- Oh, well, that's disappointing.