I’ve gone on a fair share of dates through the years and here are some things - lessons,
advice and such, big and small - that I’ve picked up along the way. Some things I think are worth
looking for, considering and thinking about. The good, the bad and the ugly, so… Buckle up.
This video relates to the very beginning stages of dating,
like, we’re talking first dates to maybe a couple weeks of dating.
Everything mentioned in this video is based on my personal experience,
conversations I’ve had with friends and some of the stuff I’ve read because I’m simply a nerd when
it comes to anything related to relationships and social psychology and yeah, okay, cool.
1. A connection can’t be forced
I don’t think we need to write people off immediately, sometimes a connection can develop,
but don’t settle for a “maybe” if it’s been more than a few dates. Decide after as soon
as possible if this is someone you’d actually want to pursue. If not, don’t let it linger.
Even if you may want it to work, because perhaps they seem great in many ways,
and on paper, they should be a good match, you may think. But you can’t force yourself to feel
something for someone, and you shouldn’t have to talk yourself into a relationship.
The person you’re seeing deserves someone who’s
really excited about them, and so do you. Leave them be.
Love, in my experience, is very specific. It’s not exactly something you make happen,
you kind of let it happen. It can’t be demanded, forced or rushed.
What’s that saying? If you have to force it, it’s probably sh*t.
2. A first date should be low commitment with ample room for escape
I think the best first dates are the simple, low-commitment ones, especially if you don’t
know the person from before. Perhaps you met online. Having a whole dinner booked, only to
realize five seconds in that this really isn’t going to work, is not a fun situation to be in.
3. Physical attraction is important
Attraction is one of the foundations of a good relationship, and it’s
completely valid not to be interested in someone simply because you don’t
find them to be attractive. It doesn’t make you shallow, it makes you human.
Now, can attraction grow over time? I’ve found some studies supporting that it
can, and some that say it can’t. My personal experience is that if you find yourself
needing to convince yourself that someone is attractive in the initial stages of dating,
it’s not worth pursuing. They, too, deserve someone who finds them desirable.
4. Beware of infatuation
Speaking of attraction, beware of infatuation.
Some people we meet can be very enchanting. They're "everything we've ever wanted". They
sweep us off our feet and we drown into their pretty eyes. In fact,
we drown so deep that our brain gets flooded and we can't think clearly.
We fool ourselves into believing things are better
than they actually are. That they are better than they actually are.
Now, that’s not to say that feeling very excited about someone is necessarily a bad thing,
of course we want to feel that. But just be aware that your brain can be kind of dumb sometimes.
6. Communicate your intentions
I think intentions should be communicated as soon as you feel like you know what you want from a
person. You don’t need to walk into the date having “I want to get married within 6 months”
written on your shirt, but I absolutely think bringing up the topic is necessary,
unless you have a thing for wasting your time and being unnecessarily disappointed.
8. Interest is obvious
Speaking of fooling yourself, don’t become an excuse-finding olympian. His phone didn’t die,
he didn’t get attacked by a dolphin. He saw your text,
he spent plenty of time on his phone, and he didn’t call nor reply.
Or, perhaps they replied but they were vague. They
didn’t include the time and place; they got back to you after two days.
If it’s really bad, they may not reply to your text or call,
but they’ll communicate with you by replying to your insta story or something like that. That is
NOT communication. Leave it be and allow space for something better in your life.
And remember this: Someone who’s actually into you doesn’t need to be reminded of your existence.
15. Take their actions at face value This one goes hand in hand with my next
point which is to take a person's actions at face value. It’s one thing to be an understanding,
empathetic person, but it’s another to be someone who tries to justify people’s bad behavior.
Someone’s childhood trauma is not a ticket for them to treat you poorly, and remember that the
way someone actually treats you is more important than how much you love them or they love you.
Also, and you may or may not find this to be true, but the red flags you choose
to ignore at the beginning will be the reason you break up in the end.
11. Don’t be too quick to write people off.
This often happens when we go on a date with a mental checklist of things we want
in a partner. And, yes, knowing what you want is crucial for finding what you need,
but having a checklist can distract you from being
present and from paying attention to how things actually feel in the moment.
Perhaps they don’t have the exact educational background you’d imagined your partner to be,
or maybe they’re not much of a cook, but how important are these things to you,
really? I think it’s worth revisiting our mental check-list from time to time.
Integration
In my experience, the most effective way of revisiting it and to process any
concerns and emotions we may have is by doing it with a therapist,
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12. Be honest with yourself about your wants and needs
Don’t let anyone else tell you what you should like. Do you like it when
a man holds the door for you? Or pays on the first date? Do you
dream of being the breadwinner? Don’t let any outside voices
interfere with your genuine needs and wants. 7. Don’t ignore obvious signs of incompatibility
Everyone is different. No one is perfect. There will always be disagreements,
but you need to know what you’re OK and not OK with disagreeing on. What can you live with vs
not live with? You need to know your deal breakers, and don’t fool yourself thinking
you can change someone’s mind on a fundamental value or belief they have. Potential is not a
person; it’s a figment of your imagination. 5. Don’t judge the new person by the old person
It’s not fair to bring emotional baggage from a previous date or relationship onto
a new one. Sure, we all carry our experiences with us, they don’t magically go away because
we’re seeing someone new, but itäs not fair to let a new person be punished
for the last person. Try to go into it with a blank slate and don’t generalize.
9. Don’t forget about the friendship part
Typically, and I’m aware some people are asexual, the difference between
romantic and platonic relationships is the physical intimacy part. But I think
it’s good to ask yourself if you’d be friends with this person, romance and hormones aside.
Would you want to hang out with them? Do they possess qualities you appreciate in a friend?
They say love is friendship caught fire. Do you feel like it is with this person?
10. Don’t look for someone who will create your happiness,
look for someone who you’d like to share your happiness with.
4. Take precautions
5 things I think are worth mentioning here:
- If you met this person online, do a video call before meeting them.
- Look them up beforehand. I’m not encouraging anyone to have a
full-blown cyber-stalking session before the first date, but look up enough information
to make you feel comfortable in meeting them and spending time alone with them.
- I know distinguishing anxiety from actual danger isn’t the easiest thing in the world for everyone.
But if something feels off with a person, don’t write it off as anxiety. It may not be, and it’s
not worth finding out in my opinion. A bad vibe is a valid reason not to date someone.
- Always let someone close to you know who you’re seeing and where you’ll be going.
- If at any point you feel uncomfortable,
don’t be afraid to break the date off early. Have a friend call you and fake
an emergency or whatever you need to do to get out of there. You don’t owe anyone anything.
- If you’re someone who is afraid of rejecting others, or if you can’t take rejection, please put
off dating until you’ve worked on those things. You don’t want to be in a situation where you’re
too afraid to say no, and you also don’t want to be the person who can’t take no for an answer.
- First few dates should always be in public spaces.
If you have anything to add to this list, please comment down below.
Now I think it’s important to note that no one knows what you truly want,
need and feel better than you do. So while seeking out advice can be immensely valuable,
letting some guru or YouTuber on the internet dictate your life decisions is quite risky.
Because after all, what do they know about your life? Do what feels right to you.