[R.I.P Old Baywatching Intro. You were lovely to caption.]
[Allison] Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
[Allison] I'm getting all tingly with excitement guys!
[Allison] I've been looking forward to this episode since Baywatching's genesis.
[Allison] Until now we have not truly reached peak levels of Baywatch,
[Allison] but today, I tell you, "The Runaways" is gonna kick down your door and fill your life with so much beachy goodness
[Allison] you're not gonna know what to do with yourself.
[Allison] There are so many things to talk about here.
[Allison] Let me just start with this.
[Allison] You want to know what my favorite episode of Baywatch is?
[Allison] BOOM! "The Runaways"
[Allison] It also happens to be my first episode of Baywatch
[Allison] And nothing I saw since surpassed it!
[Allison] Sure, I remember when the show was on the air and probably catching bits and pieces
[Allison] But it wasn't until shortly before I started this series that I'd actually watched the show properly.
[Allison] And I just figured it'd be a boring beach show.
[Allison] The only reason I watched this one is because I was on my "She Wolf of London" kick
[Allison] and Neil Dickson is in this.
[Allison] But I had no idea what I was in for....
[Allison] This episode is so damn good.
[Allison] It's what got me to watch Baywatch in its entirety and thus inspired me to start Baywatching.
[Allison] You can thank '"The Runaways" for everything.
[Allison] Man, I love this episode.
[Allison] Delicious!
[Allison] Also worthy of note, I think this is Baywatch's actual 100th episode filmed and believe me,
[Allison] I did not expect to have like three 100th episodes almost in a row. Baywatch is just confusing.
[Allison] But as I said before, the airing order is all sorts of whacked.
[Allison] I can only guess from the big guest stars and the 100th episode celebration pics
[Allison] that this is probably the big one.
[Jet ski noises]
[Lady] Ben, watch out!
[Lady] OW!
[Crash noises]
[Allison as the lady] Oh no! I'm suddenly wearing a completely different outfit with long sleeves...
[Allison as the lady] and I'm a different woman!
[Allison as the lady] Hopefully you didn't notice I was just reused footage from season one...
[Allison] Whoa, guys. The 100th episode spared no expense.
[Allison as Eyebrows] Sacre bleu!I I will rescue you!
[Allison] But this woman's gonna need a real hero, and that's this Virgin Cola blimp!
[Music sting that just reeks of product placement]
[Allison as Eyebrows] Oh ho ho...I'm quitting this show.
[Allison] I don't know why guys, but suddenly I have an insatiable thirst for a soft drink
[Allison] that's inexplicably still available in such countries as Afghanistan, Nigeria, and the Phillippines.
[Allison] I don't know if you guys can tell, but Virgin Cola had some hand in the sponsorship of this episode.
[Allison] And just as a quick side note, in 1996,
[Allison] Virgin Cola marketed their 500 milliliter bottles as "The Pammy"
[Allison] because they resembled Pamela Anderson's curves.
[Allison] Don't worry about the stock photo watermark. It covers up the creepy text.
[Allison] Meanwhile, Caroline's mad about something. Surprise surprise.
[The sound of the gates of Hell opening]
[Allison as Caroline] HOW DARE YOU PUT ME ON SWITCHBOARD, STEPHANIE!
[Allison as Caroline] YOU'RE JUST DOING THIS TO ME BECAUSE WE'RE SISTERS!!
[Allison] I mean Caroline's always bitchy, but, to be fair, Stephanie's got the condescending giggles this episode.
[Allison as Stephanie] Myeh myeh myeh myeh. You'll be on switchboard forever.
[Allison as Stephanie] Welcome to Sidsville, Caroline.
[Allison as Caroline, screeches like a harpy]
[Allison] Stephanie thinks Caroline still makes rookie mistakes
[Allison] and needs a bit more time at other posts to really perfect the Baywatch brand
[Allison] which- fair enough...
[Allison] but I'm distracted by the fact through the whole scene
[Allison] she's smiling like the Joker after she's just trapped Batman.
[Allison as Stephanie] MYEH MYEH MYEH MYEH MYEH MYEH MYEH MYEH
[Allison] Meanwhile, check out this cute little kerfuffle.
[The gates of hell open yet again.]
[Allison] Mitch complements Kaye on the greatest tuna melt he's ever had.
[Allison] which is saying something because Mitch has surely sampled a vast cornucopia of tuna melts.
[Allison] Kaye gives all the credit to her new cook Maurice.
[Mitch] Way to go!
[Maurice?] A-Wop-bop-a-loo-lop a-lop-bam-boo!
[Mitch and Kaye laugh]
[Allison inhales]
[Allison exhales]
[Allison] Take it all in.
[Allison] Bask in the glory, folks!
[Allison] Take the knowledge that Little Richard is in an episode of Baywatch
[Allison] playing someone who is not Little Richard, but speaks almost exclusively in Little Richard lyrics,
[Allison] and spread that sunshine to the world!
[Allison] Ahhh.
[Allison] This episode is fast and furious folks.
[Allison] Because before you even have the chance to absorb the fact that
[Allison] yes, you *did* just see Little Richard, suddenly there's a woman lip-synching by the counter.
♫ And I made up my mind
♫ There's no turning back
♫ Too far down the line
♫ Too far down the track
♫ Gonna leave you this time
♫ And there's no turning back
[Allison] This is Molly played by singer Jayne Collins,
[Allison] who I guess the show wanted to promote. I don't know...
[Allison] She doesn't have a huge discography, but apparently she founded a boy band called
[Allison] The Wanted in 2009?
[Allison] Do the kids like them?
[Alison] The song "No Turning Back" was written and produced for this episode.
[Allison] And don't you worry, you'll be hearing it again.
[Allison] Molly here talks like a Cockney from the 1800s.
[Molly] Let's go! Come on! Come hither!
[Molly] How about you, captain?
[Molly] Every little bit helps.
[Allison as Molly] Oy! Come and partake in Mrs. Lovett's meat pies!
[Allison] Molly claims that she's making some money for a friend, But she could use some cash herself
[Allison] until she gets that big record deal.
[Allison] Being the gentleman he is, Mitch volunteers her to be Kaye's new waitress.
[Molly] You're lookin' for someone to lend a hand?
[Mitch] Desperately, when can you start?
[Alllison as Mitch] You like how I interfere with both your business and personal life, Kaye?
[Allison as Mitch] Gosh! I'm a good whatever I am too you.
[Molly] I'll knock you up first thing in the mornin'!
[Allison as Molly] Blimey guv'! Bullocking tits-arse!
[Allison as Molly] Talk to you in the mornin' after I've wooden hill to Bedfordshire!
[Ambient beach noises]
[DUN DUN DUNNNNN!]
[Neil Dickson] Cowabunga!
[Allison gasps with delight! :D]
[Allison] Anyway, Virgin Cola Blimp
[Mitch] It's actually called an airship, pal.
[Allison] Eeh, shut up!
[Allison] Oh, it's not just the blimp that's here, by the way...
[Allison] because Virgin's own Richard Branson is in this episode!
[Richard Branson] I'm Richard Branson
[Allison] Yes indeed. And listen to this insanity!
[Allison] Apparently true to his real-life self, he has arrived at Baywatch Beach™ for a daredevil stunt.
[Allison] He's looking to get into the Guinness Book of World Records
[Allison] for the longest water-ski behind an airship, so... you know...
[Allison] Basically he's gonna promote Virgin Cola by skiing behind his giant product placement blimp.
[Allison] I'd say this was outlandish, but it isn't really for him...
[Richard Branson] Well. I couldn't agree with you more. Safety's quite important to me.
[Richard Branson] But, uh, believe me Mitch. If we weren't absolutely certain we could pull this off,
[Richard Branson] we wouldn't be here.
[Mitch] Terrific.
[Allison] And then he calls up Gladys Knight on a video phone. No biggie.
[Gladys Knight] What are you doing in California?
[Allison as Gladys Knight] Why am I in this episode? I don't sing anything and this is my only appearance .
[Allison as Gladys Knight] Well, bye!
[Allison as Caroline] Ah finally! Stephanie put me back on a tower like I deserve!
[Allison as Stephanie] Ring ring, Caroline! Just thought I'd look down my nose at you from over here.
[Stephanie] You know, if you'd listen to some of the things I tell you, you might actually learn something.
[Caroline] Yeah, I doubt it.
[GET WRECKED, STEPHANIE!]
[Allison as Stephanie] Wellll, I'm sorry you feel that way Caroline. That means I have to kill you!
[Allison as Stephanie] By the way, someone's drowning and you're missing it.
[Allison as Stephanie] Out of my way, amateur hour!
[Allison as Caroline] Not this time, Stepha-ME!
[Allison as Caroline and Stephanie] MY SAVE!!
[Stephanie] Need some help?
[Caroline swims among copious drowning noises]
[Caroline] NO!
[Splash.]
[Allison as Stephanie] MWEH-HEH HEH HEH-HEH
[Maurice] This is my specialty. Tutti-Frutti.
[Little Richard noises]
[Maurice laughs]
[Maurice] Ooh wee.
[Maurice] Bada bada booda. Rota rota roota. It's READY!
[Allison] Must be nice and whatever world Little Richard's living in.
[Maurice] GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY! You shouldn't do that!
[Allison] Is that-
[Allison] Is that seriously the only reason they named this character Molly?
[Allison] Molly is an ace waitress.
[Allison] Truly the best Sandy Kaye ever had.
[Allison] Except for the fact she gives customers' food away to Little Orphan Annie here.
[Allison] But she's made a huge mistake this time because she's given away half of Mitch's sandwich...
[Mitch] Ho, ho ho ho.
[Allison as Mitch] Give away MY sandwich?!
[Allison as Mitch] You get between me and MY food
[Allison as Mitch as the demons] YOU WILL NOT BE SPARED. FACE THE WRATH OF POSEIDON HIMSELF.
[Allison] Kaye is a little more forgiving 'cause hey, it's just her place of business. But whatever.
[Allison] Molly explains that the little girl is Kit,
[Allison] a runaway she befriended while she was working on the boardwalk.
[Allison] Kit is part of a whole pack of runaways that's apparently roaming the streets now
[Allison] because their shelter lost funding and closed down.
[DUN dun DUNNNNN!!]
[Neil Dickson] Looks like there's a new smug in town.
[Allison] Anyway, apropro of nothing, the GREATEST MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL TIME begins.
[David Hasselhoff] ♫ When the rain comes down I'll be there.
[Jayne Collins] ♫ I'll be there through it all.
[Hoff and Collins] ♫ Until the last teardrop falls
[Allison] OOH HOO HOO HOOOO!!
[Allison] As Little Richard would say "GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY"
[Allison] I can't even properly tell you how much I love this.
[Allison] Just witness it in all its glory!
[Allison] Mitch asks to join Molly on a runaway scavenger hunt.
[Allison] Commercial break.
[Allison] And then all of a sudden Mitch has transformed into David Hasselhoff
[Allison] So they could sing to a bunch of Dickensian orphans
[Allison] complete with newsboy caps and smudgy faces
[Allison] as they dance around a bunch of burning barrels like they're in a Broadway musical.
[Allison] Feel the EMOTION!
[Allison] Please, won't you think of the children?
[Allison] Don't forget them
[Allison] ♫ until the last teardrop falls
[Allison as Stephanie] So I guess our plot's still goin', huh?
[Allison as Caroline hisses like a cat]
[Stephanie] All lifeguards are in competition.
[Stephanie] I mean, the fastest swimmer, the strongest runner... it just comes with the territory
[Stephanie] I just don't want it to come between us.
[Caroline] It won't.
[Stephanie] You're right.
[Allison as Stephanie] But no promises...
[Allison] MEANWHILE
[Allison] Molly is upset that her record deal fell through
[Allison] and Neil Dickson was waiting strategically behind a menu for this very moment
[DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN!]
[Allison as Neil Dickson] Wait, is it because I've been stalking you?
[Allison] It turns out Creepy McStalker is actually Molly's fiancé, Robert who's followed her here from England.
[Allison] He thinks her dream of music stardom is PREPOSTEROUS!
[Robert] Yes, well that's just preposterous.
[Allison] Typical unsupportive fiancé... Someone better set him straight.
[Maurice] MOLLY HAS A LOT OF TALENT, AND YOU SHOULD BE HER *BIGGEST* FAN!
[Allison] I gotta say, it's unreal seeing Neil DIckson holding product placement A&W Cream Soda
[Allison] and being berated by Little Richard.
[Allison] MEANWHILE.
[Allison] Molly has snuck on board Mitch and Eyebrows's boat
[Allison] to hide out from her evil, unsupportive fiancé.
[Matt Brody/Eyebrows] What the?
[Matt Brody/Eyebrows, still confused] What?
[Reporter] So Richard, are you nervous? How do you-
[Hey! That wasn't consensual!]
[Allison] Ha ha ha. He's allowed to do that because he's rich.
[Allison] Say, wouldn't it be lucky if Richard Branson was in an accident?
[Allison] And Molly just happened to be involved in that rescue?
[Allison] So she could get a record deal as it happens in real life?
[Molly] It's okay, Mr. Branson! We'll get you out of this mess in a jiffy!
[Allison as Richard Branson] Sign this girl to my label immediately!
[Allison as Mitch] Hey, I was involved in the rescue too and I'm a singer.
[Allison as Richard Branson] I didn't see you out in the water.
[Allison as Mitch] DAMN YOU, RICHARD BRANSON!
[Molly] YES!
[Cheering and other general excitement]
[Allison] Welp. That didn't work.
[Allison] He still got the record though. Just so we're clear...
[Announcer] You got the record!
[Allison as Richard Branson] Thank God! Lord knows I never accomplished anything else in my life!
[Molly] ♫ Do do do, Do do do
[Molly] ♫ No turnin' back
[Allison] I... don't know even know what to say about this ensemble.
[Allison] And there's no burning barrels or runaways in this music video.
[Allison] Did not remind me of Oliver Twist. 0/10.
[Molly] ♫ Now is the time for us to Leave the past behind
[Allison as Robert] Now that you've improbably landed a hit record deal,
[Allison as Robert] I didn't have to learn to support your dreams even if you aren't successful!
[Allison as Robert] I love you!
[Allison as Molly] I love you too, darling!
[Molly] ♫ Do do do, Do do do
[Allison as Robert] On second thought, let's take this slower.
[Allison] But there's still the matter of this zombie to take care of.
[Extremely spooky noises. Oooooh.]
[Allison] Don't be so bummed, Kit. Mitch and his sweater called your family up and everything's forgiven!
[Allison] Makes it easy!
[Allison as The Mother] We weren't paid for lines, so just ADR me when my mouth is covered.
[Allison as Kit] I'm pregnant, Mom!
[Allison as The Mother] You're no daughter of mine.
[Allison] I know what you're thinking. That's great for her, but what about all those other runaways, buddy?
[Allison] Well, it just so happens that Mitch and Kaye have set up a benefit concert for the runaway shelter.
[Allison] Take it away, Not Little Richard!
[Not Little Richard] ♫ Good golly, Miss Molly!
[Allison as Kaye] How did we not know it was him? Ahh we're stupid.
[Allison] So wait... Did they never make the connection that he looked exactly like Little Richard
[Allison] and spoke in Little Richard song lyrics?
[Allison] Or, in canon, does Little Richard just like to work as a cook at beach cafés sometimes?
[Allison] Who made this Baywatch branded piano? I don't think my questions will ever be answered.
[Allison] But rock on, Sax Man! Rock on!
[Allison] Also, I don't know anything about Kit's family, but not a single one of them can clap in time.
[Allison] And all the upstart singers join in!
[Allison] What a wonderful moment!
[Allison] This episode is a delight from start to finish.
[Allison] Happy 100th, Baywatch. Thanks a million.
[Allison] Stuntman Johnny Danger comes to town!
[Allison] Meanwhile, sinister Neely Capshaw falsely accuses Eyebrows of sexual harassment.
[Little Richard] ♫ Good golly, Miss Molly!
[Little Richard] ♫ Sure like to ball
[Little Richard] ♫ YOOOOOO
[Little Richard] ♫ Molly!
[Little Richard] ♫ Sure like to ball!
[Little Richard] ♫ When you're rockin' and a rollin' can't hear your momma call.
[Little Richard] ♫ WOOOOOO