[ Cheers and applause ]
-I have a child.
I have a child, he's two, and I love him,
but I have now found out that the feeling is not mutual.
[ Laughter ]
Took this boy to a fire station.
He run off, start kicking it with all the firefighters.
I get it now, I get why cops don't like firefighters.
They got all this charisma, firefighters.
They got all this charisma.
And there's nothing you can do to stop it.
This is how much we love firefighters.
Firefighters get the same amount of hero love as cops,
but none of the scrutiny.
No sign of -- you've never looked at a firefighter
and wondered if he's one of the good ones.
[ Laughter ]
It's never happened. [ Applause ]
Hey...
You want to be a good cop, you got to hand out free ice cream.
You got to go to the hood and dance with children.
[ Laughter ]
You want to be a good firefighter,
all you got to do is take your shirt off and make a calendar.
That's it. You win the game.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You can't be cooler than a firefighter.
Only person cooler than a firefighter
is a forest firefighter.
That's next level, 'cause they ain't got no equipment.
They just out in the woods with a chainsaw and a shovel.
That's all they have.
A chainsaw and a shovel, chopping trees --
It's basically CrossFit. That's what that job is.
It's the X Games of firefighting.
Like, oh, you like fighting fire?
Well, can you do it without a truck or water?
[ Laughter ]
And if that doesn't work,
the only thing the forest firefighters have as backup
is a helicopter flying overhead
just drizzling something on top of the fire.
[ Laughter ] And I'm sure --
I'm sure it's doing something. I'm sure it's helping,
but I'm watching from the house, and I see that helicopter
with the bucket, and it drizzles.
I'm like, that didn't do anything at all.
You need more helicopters. [ Laughter ]
Only person cooler than a forest firefighter
is a volunteer firefighter. [ Laughter ]
That's the next level, 'cause they ain't getting no money.
[ Cheers and applause ]
No money.
To just fight fire on the side.
They already have a job. They have a job,
and then every now and then, "Hey, man, I'll be at work,
"but let me know if something burning.
I'm happy to swing by." [ Laughter ]
Who you know run into a burning building as a side hustle?
[ Laughter ]
You've got to respect volunteer firefighters.
Everybody loves volunteer firefighters.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
Nobody loves a volunteer police officer.
[ Laughter ]
In fact, there's nothing more scarier
than a volunteer police --
Even the police don't trust a volunteer --
That's why they call them vigilantes.
[ Laughter ]
I have two cops in my family,
and I know that one advantage that cops for sure have
is that they get to do their job off duty.
Off-duty cops. Off-duty cops --
that's the only time you hear somebody's occupation
inserted into a news story.
You do something amazing, and it's one of us,
we're just a regular -- you're just a good Samaritan.
You ain't no off-duty accountant.
[ Laughter ]
But if you're a cop, and you're a cop
when you didn't have to be a cop, you're now an off-duty cop.
And it's always a superhero story from an off-duty --
"In other news today, an off-duty police officer,
he pulled a school bus from a tornado by himself."
[ Laughter ]
"The tornado has been taken into custody."
[ Laughter ]
Off-duty cops, 'cause cop is the only hero job
that you can do without equipment.
All you need to be a cop is courage.
You can be an off-duty firefighter. Absolutely.
You can be an off-duty firefighter.
Pull up to the fire.
But if you do not have your equipment,
you are just a person standing outside of a fire.
You are a bystander. That is what you are right now.
You are a bystander. You have no truck.
You have no water. You at the wrong fire.
You should be in the forest.
[ Laughter ]
I get it.
I get why these cops are jealous of firefighters, man.
You got all this police reform going on.
There hasn't been a single firefighter misconduct video.
[ Laughter ]
No firefighter misconduct.
Plus, as a firefighter,
it's got to be hard to be prejudiced as a firefighter.
Half your job in the smoke, you can't see who you're saving.
[ Laughter ]
You don't know.
[ Applause ]
If you a firefighter, you trying to be prejudiced,
that means you got to pat around --
you got to listen for race. You got to hear it.
You got to -- "Fire Department, call out.
Fire Department, you in here? Fire Department --"
"I'm over here, cuz. Save me, bruh."
[ Laughter ]
"This floor is all clear, headed upstairs. 10-4."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Thank you to the first responders.
Thank you all so much for having me, man.
Appreciate it. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ -Wow! As always...
As always, amazing.
Roy Wood Jr.! [ Cheering ]
♪♪
For more, go to roywoodjr.com, everybody.