♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun ♪
♪ Da da da da da da dum ♪
♪ Dum ♪
(laughing) Oh! How about this?
(super funky intro music because it’s a new compilation!!!!!)
(surprised laughter)
(wheeze laughter)
You made matzo ball soup!
(both screaming)
- I bet you, French people,
they made a food that, like, you have to really make love to it.
- Mm hm!
- The French are lovers.
- Mm. Nice and slow.
- They don't use machines.
They go in with their hands.
- Ah, yeah.
With consent.
(laughing)
(Kwesi laughing)
- Today I'm making the queef.
It's a queso and beef sandwich.
The Queef.
I'm going to be infusing a Southwest influence.
So we're going to have some queso cheese, some hatch chiles,
bring a little spice to the queef.
We at one point did consider
making every episode queef-themed.
It was going to be Zack's Queefin Seafen.
But we decided against that.
- I'm making a set of stairs.
Three stairs to be exact.
They'll be like real stairs, like three real steps.
Everyone always likes chocolate cake the most.
That seems like the way to win.
Think about this:
When you're at the wedding, everyone's eyes are on you.
(Keith can’t wait to tell this joke)
They're staring.
You can feel the stares.
- I think I'm making a...
a hot...
dick bowl?
Something like that?
A hidden dicks.
How Bowl of Hidden Dicks.
It's a play on words.
I'm going to try to replicate
a uncircumcised penis, and I'm going to put that in a hot bowl.
And then the judge will have to uncircumcise the penis to reveal the what?
The hidden dick.
Quail egg is going to most likely be the foreskin for the penis.
- It’s just bread, that’s like fluffier bread.
And it's kind of like wavy.
It's not bread at all?
What the f**k is that?
(laughs because the bitch is back) (even though he might not know what to do)
- I am dedicating everything to the women in my family.
Keith always had Daddy's favorite,
even though his dad actually doesn't like cinnamon raisin.
Yeah. [Rachel] What?!
It's a bit, y'all.
He likes it, but it's not his favorite flavor combination.
I'm sure his dad's like, watching it and being like,
Why does he keep making cinnamon raisin for me?
We're not putting that in the video.
- So I'm divorced, so I'm not going to make a wedding cake.
I'm going to make a divorced cake.
- Marissa's divorced?
Wow. I didn't know Marissa was divorced.
I think we're going to join forces.
We might be the anti-wedding force in this video.
Because Keith and Zach's parents, unfortunately, are still together.
(laughing)
- Red velvet Oreo with peppermint icing.
Red velvet because I love red velvet cookies.
Also red velvet, too, seems like, How hard could that be?
I mean, every bakery in the world has red velvet.
So I'm hoping that that subconscious energy of knowing how
attracts itself to me in the kitchen.
I don't know what's in red velvet.
Why did I choose red velvet?
- Jared and Kwesi are back, and thank God,
because I don’t want to lose.
(laughs) They know.
[Zach] I think we keep the meat on the bone.
(plops)
[Jared] I feel like I put in, like, a ton of flour, no?
Like eight handfuls?
[Kwesi] Wait, you puts your hands in there?
(laughing)
- You put your hands in there? - Was I not supposed to?
- No! - I’ll show you, c’mon, man.
(laughing) Oh, f**k!
God damn it!
- All right. You never baked before?
- Never in my life.
- This is the pubes.
(Kwesi laughing)
[Keith] Kwesi’s making a big bowl of hidden dicks.
- Rocks.
(both laughing)
YO, I’VE MADE ICING!
Ice– sorry. Am I yelling too loud?
(laughing) - Yeah, you are!
Sorry! I made icing.
Holy f**k. I did it!
I’m f**king back, baby!
Yeah!
- Bitch is back! - Bitch is back!
Poppa’s home!
And he’s coming Cajun, baby.
- Are there going to be things that we can use that isn’t in front of me?
- Here’s the thing. No one's going to help you.
You can talk all you want.
There's no one going to help you.
- You think I can help?
- Are we allowed?
- Yeah.
To be honest, I was summoned by Rachel to come and help,
and I quote, “make it so he could possibly serve something to the judges.”
- Terrible!
(laughing)
I feel terrible. - You’re pretty good.
It's not easy to do what we do.
We make it look easy.
- Let’s add fish!
Everyone’s favorite game show!
- Welcome back to “Let’s Add Fish!”
America’s favorite game show!
- The show where we ask, “Does this regular everyday thing
could it use some fish?”
- Cake! With fish!
And of course, Eugene’s favorite: butter bread!
With fish!
- I used to go to 4H camp as a kid.
We played capture the flag, played in the pool,
I did some woodworking.
Had a crush on a girl, kissed her,
and started swearing profusely.
- Right after you kissed someone, you sweared?
- No, the older kids were, like, swearing profusely.
And I was like, “Oh.”
- I'm going to extract some goop here.
Wow, it’s a lot.
This is...
like lunch lady status.
Come get your goop!
Goop’s up!
[Keith] Goop’s up.
- Keep whisking. - Okay.
Keep whisking, Eugene.
- I can feel it thicken in my hand.
- Yeah? Gross.
(laughing) Gross!
(laughing) Eugene!
Keep whisking.
(laughing)
Keep whisking, quick.
- I have to make the pumpkin spice?
[Rachel] Of course you do!
I thought it was just going to be like,
“Here's some pumpkin spice, Jared. Good luck!”
- To keep these really tender and crumbly,
there is zero liquid.
- Cup of milk.
Sure.
Two eggs.
- We're just going to put a little lube in here.
- There are no milk or eggs in this.
- So I have probably seven eggs.
- I definitely would not make ramen broth with, like,
foie gras or butter.
♪ Foie gras ♪
This is funny. Look at you.
You little goopy guy.
Into the soup you go.
Maybe I can see you putting, like,
a little bit of butter at, like, the very end,
but that would be kind of,
you know, certainly not traditional,
and not sure if that would really work.
- Every bit of fat we got.
But you don't want like a fat slick on the top of the bowl.
It smells good.
- There are no rising agents in graham crackers.
So no baking powder, no baking soda, no eggs.
- By no means should your cookie be pipe-able.
- Why are we using this bag?
- Jared, don’t follow me, man.
(Jared laughing)
I don’t know what the f**k I’m doing, man.
- In what world is an Oreo dough pipe-able?
Let me think.
- Yeah.
- Oh, baby!
- How do you know that it’s...?
- Why?
- Oh!
- What are you doing?
- Zach! - What are you doing?
- Don’t, don’t, don’t.
- Zach, what are you doing?
- Let him do it. Let him do it. Let him do it.
- The last thing you would want to do right now
is to punch this down or release any of the air.
- Let him do it. - There’s too much air!
- No, no. Let him do it.
Yeah, there's too much.
[Keith] Yeah, squeeze it out.
[Marissa] Yeah, squeeze it.
[Keith] Put your hands all the way in there.
- We both chose milk over water.
Yes. That's a choice I made consciously.
- You know, I was inspired by how
you used to honor your father all the time.
(gasps) I recently did, even.
- You made another daddy's favorite?
- And I won.
(laughing)
- Get in there. [Rachel] Oh, Keith.
Get in there.
(laughing) Get in there.
Get in there, girl.
- I don't know if I need more cheese or less oil
or more melty-melty time or what,
but something's wrong about this.
Do we think this looks appetizing?
I am melting in my failed cheese into the successful queso.
Look at this, Eugene! It’s more queso-y!
- Yeah, that does look more queso-y.
- Yay!
(laughing)
I'm going to cry.
(laughing)
It's beautiful.
(Kwesi laughing)
- More coffee.
[Marissa] Right?
- Oh, (bleep) no.
You know the beginning of a old horror movie
where there's just, like, a blob coming out of the sewer?
- Yeah.
- How does that look?
Does that look like cake?
[Marissa] Oh, my God.
- I do know one thing. Is that there’s no yolk.
Because this shit’s white.
- That's no yolk.
(laughs)
Is that how we should describe white people from now on?
Oh, he got no yolk.
(laughing)
- Marissa, that sandwich...
looks like it has cum on it.
(laughing)
It was the first time I looked at that sandwich,
and my God.
(laughing)
(laughing) It looks like a cum sandwich.
(laughing)
- Oh, no!
(Keith laughing)
- It does look cummy!
- Like a peanut butter and cum sandwich!
- Cream!
♪ Cream, cream, cream, cream ♪
♪ Cream, cream, cream ♪
It’s about ham time!
[Keith] Really basil-y.
We want it really basil-y.
Fun. I feel like I’m making little secrets.
It’s my little secret.
- So much cake, huh?
Not all mixed together, but.
We don't have, like, a giant vat, right?
Maybe we'll just do it all in the tub.
- What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- What do you mean, what am I doing?
I'm baking, Zach.
Have you never seen somebody make a cake before?
- Are there chocolate chips?
Can you just throw them in?
(Zach laughs)
Just throw them in.
There you go, that’s good.
(laughing)
I don't know what else to do.
- I mean, what I'm doing is working pretty well.
- Nobody tell the judges what you saw.
(Zach laughing)
Nobody let them know.
I’m pouring the cake!
(grunts)
I'm listening to the cake.
Okay. It smells good!
Smells like cake.
I'm trying to get all the cake out.
- Okay, I need to break off.
Oh.
[Marissa] Oh.
(Rachel laughing)
- I wanted to get her away from him.
Well, I guess he’ll just be headless.
(Eugene laughing)
Whoops, okay!
- Do you know about the kink of swallowing Barbie heads?
- No, we don't know about the kink of swallowing Barbie heads,
Jonny, do go on.
- There's people who swallow Barbie heads.
So that they can enjoy the feeling of it going through them.
(Jonny laughs)
- That's a thing?
- I made you a bukakke cake, and that’s somehow so much worse.
(laughing)
- Anybody smelling a fire?
Mm.
I think they lit the house on fire to hide the bodies.
(laughing)
- What?
- Yeah.
And there was a hot Cheetos in the house, and it all burnt together.
- Oh.
- It must have been a guy from Philadelphia, huh?
- I think you killed your yeast somehow.
- What is this theme?
[Rosanna] There's a few things that can kill yeast.
- It's a murder mystery.
- It’s a murder...!
- You killed the yeast somehow!
- Do I got to tell the story myself?
I mean, it's a murder mystery!
- Judges?
Queef.
(laughing)
- For f**k’s sake, Zach. - Thank you.
- So, judge...
...jizz.
And them.
(laughing)
- Don't say jizz.
(laughing)
- I just got that, too.
- I made it without a recipe.
He did it with the spirit of Daddy guiding him.
- Hydrangeas are poisonous.
(laughing) Oh.
- To wedding cakes.
(dramatic classical music)
So you're not supposed to put hydrangeas on wedding cakes because it's poisonous.
Like when you cut a hydrangea, it's like milky.
- Oh. - Like the sap is milky.
- If it’s my time, it’s my time.
(laughing)
- The cookie is maybe the worst...
- Show me love. Show me love. Show me love.
(laughing)
Let me stop you right there.
Don't go there.
Show me love.
- This is love! - Show me love.
Show me love.
- The cookie is maybe the worst cookie I've ever had.
- Oh, my God!
Why are you so mean?
- It's a win for ham!
- God!
- Now, remember, it's fun when we're positive!
And we want to have fun!
If we don’t want to have fun, we won’t.
If you walk in to Disney World and you're all, meh meh meh,
you're not going to have fun.
But if you walk in, and you go,
Oh, wow, I've never seen that before.
You might have a good time.
So let's go with that second attitude.
Now, if you start eating, and you go, meh meh meh,
that's fair.
But let's start with oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
- We clearly forget the rubric.
We have a rubric, and we just say f**k the rubric.
What's the point of the rubric, Rachel?
What’s the point of the rubric?
I want to take the beginning of this episode and just cut it out
because Rosanna’s lying to you.
At the beginning of every episode when she says what we're judging on,
she’s lying.
We judge on taste.
[Rachel] I think we’re also judging on presentation.
Yeah, they were ugly.
(all laughing)
- Drink your beer, buddy.
(laughing)
- Oh.
I'm disappointed.
I thought I did a really good job.
This is the lowest I've placed so far this season.
I was really a ones and twos boy.
(laughing)
And you brought me down to the threes.
Even my ham cookies.
- The dryest of dry cake was your cake.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.
You guys said, and I quote,
“Well, it's not as dry as Eugene’s.”
- I said that.
- I didn't say that.
- No, you said it was drier than Eugene’s.
- Oh.
You said it wasn't.
So what the f**k are y’all talking about?
- I didn’t say that!
- What the f**k are y’all talking about?
- I said I'm not going to say anything.
- Huh?
Follow me, everybody.
You guys are here, right?
Let the kitchen here this.
They gave me fourth place!
You guys believe this shit?
Me! The bride!
That’s right!
In this dress! That’s right, Desiree.
- No! - Sweetie.
Oh, yeah, you promised me a hug this episode.
- No, no, I didn’t.
- You promised it.
- I will hug you if you win.
(gasps)
- You know what to do, judges.
(laughing)
- Zach, you did it!
You did it.
- Wordplay prevails!
- I lost to a f**king queef?
(all laughing)
- Correct.
- I'm coming for my hug.
Get over here, baby.
(all laughing)
- But... [Rachel] Get in there!
- A hug has to be reciprocated.
It has to. It takes two to hug.
- A queef beat my sister?
(all laughing)
(funky outro music)
I'm so glad it's over.
Much like my marriage.
(Eugene laughing)