- Welcome to your rose ceremony, ladies.
If you do not receive a rose tonight,
then you immediately return home.
I wish you all good luck.
And remember, each of you deserve love.
Here's Jay.
(soft music)
- My butterflies, you look so beautiful.
(sigh)
This is hard.
I didn't expect this to be so difficult.
(dramatic music)
Christie, I have a rose for you.
- I don't want your tired rose.
(dramatic music)
(laughs)
- What?
- I just saw you kissing on like five girls
before you came in here.
Chelsea, Geraldine, Crystal, Lucy, and Lisa.
- Yeah, but he's my boyfriend.
- What?
- Girl, that is not your boyfriend.
Look at him, he is wearing body makeup.
- Ladies, ladies, come on.
I mean, that's how the show works.
- No, that's not how I work.
- This whole show is stupid.
Why are we letting you choose
which one of us gets to be with you?
- I don't know.
- I am a concert pianist.
Jennifer is a published author.
What do you do, Jay?
- I braid hair.
- No girl, not right now.
- Well, I am a former college basketball player.
- Really, does that pay well?
Because I'm pretty sure you graduated eight years ago, Jay.
What do you do now?
- Well, my family is very important to me.
- Oh, hell nah.
Do you live with your parents?
(gasps)
- No.
(chattering)
- Listen, Christie.
If you don't want to be a part of this show anymore,
then that's fine, you can go.
- Can I go?
Thank you, creepy butler.
- You know what?
Why don't you leave, Christie.
I'll just give this rose to Jennifer.
(soft music)
- I don't want that.
- What?
- You had me dress up like a cookie and sing karaoke, Jay!
I'm a grown ass woman
(chattering)
and I'm published in three languages.
- Baby come on, we had a connection.
I felt something very deep with you.
- I don't want your (beep).
And I don't want your rose.
- Okay, Lisa, baby.
You know I was going to give you a rose anyway.
- What's my last name?
(intense music)
- Um, Kay, yep it's Lisa Kay.
- It's Capellar, okay, it's Lisa Capellar.
- I don't know.
There's a lot of names to remember.
There's like 25 of you.
- Well there's like a million of you.
And the next time I want to find one,
I'll just go to an Applebee's happy hour,
and I can buy my own rose.
They're only like 99 cents.
- It's a symbol of my love, it's a symbol.
- Ooh...
I have a symbol for you too.
(dramatic music)
- Yes, girl!
Get it, get it!
(chattering)
- You know what girls, who wants a margarita?
(cheers)
There's a TGI Fridays right down the street.
- I still got more roses!
(upbeat music)
- [Narrator] Next on the Black Bachelorette.
- Will you accept this rose?
- Of course.
I want to take you to Hawaii and swim in the ocean with you.
- Oh no, honey.
This is brand new hair.
Give me back that rose.
- So I told the president, you've got
to do something about gas prices.
- Everyone knows the president
has no control over gas prices.
- Not everyone knows that.
- Duffy, do you have the new initiative?
- What initiative?
- Initiative?
Sounds important. - It is important.
- So tell us what it is.
- Did somebody say initiative?
- Actually, a bunch of us said initiative.
- I definitely said initiative.
- This initiative cuts the risk of heart disease,
diabetes, and stroke.
- It says it does the same for breast cancer,
colon cancer, prostate cancer.
- It prevents depression too.
- And it only takes 30 minutes a day?
- Segway riders won't like this.
- [Man With Glasses] What do they have to do with it?
- Nothing, I just thought someone should say that.
- We need to talk to the president.
- I was headed there.
- That's where I'm headed.
- I'm right behind you, headed there as well.
- Me too, coming!
- I had another walk and talk to go to,
but I think I'll stay with this one.
- Did you guys see this cuts the risk of heart disease?
- Of course we did, it's our initiative.
- Actually, it's my initiative.
- Yours, mine, what's the difference?
Mr. President?
Mr. President.
(knocking)
- Mrs. Landingham, somebody's in the house!
- She's dead, sir.
- Right.
- Mr. President, I want you to look at an initiative.
- I'm a very busy man.
- Sir, we need your help.
We need to convince the American people
to do something that's good for them.
- That's impossible.
- Please, sir, just have a look.
- Oh my.
- [Black-Haired Woman] What's wrong?
It's not dangerous, is it?
- Not at all.
- Is it too expensive?
- Actually, it's free.
- Does it involve wearing leather gloves
and tight pink Spandex?
- I suppose it could, but no.
- The problem is is that it's too simple.
- Yes, it's very simple.
It's walking.
- I may be late to the game here, but what is walking?
- [Woman With Glasses] You know, walking?
We do it all the time?
- Am I doing it now?
- Sort of.
- Look at this, friends.
Just one half hour a day
or two 15 minute walks are beneficial.
- What about three 10 minute walks?
- That'll do it.
- Or 10 three minute walks?
- That adds up to 30 minutes.
- This'll never sell.
- You're right, we need an idea.
- What about a show about walking and talking?
- [All] No!
- Friends, in the time of Socrates,
- Oh, Lord.
- Philosopher kings would walk round and round the Parthenon
to stimulate discourse.
Walking increases circulation,
it generates positive neurochemicals in the brain,
and this, above all, to thine own self be true--
- And more importantly--
- More importantly, walking is where I get
all of my best ideas.
Thank you, Charlie.
Come, friends, we're going for a walk.
- So we're most likely dealing with two shooters
as you can see from the blood spatter on top of the shelf.
- Can you see it?
- I can't see a thing.
- Can we get a step ladder up here.
- Are you afraid of ladders?
- Yeah, isn't everybody?
- You, I mean I could lift you up if you want.
- Well it looks like we've got another yellow king.
This is what he looks like.
Remember his face.
I will not be showing you this picture again.
- I missed it.
- I didn't see it.
- Hiding a straight circle.
- What are you talking about?
- Alright they're at 23rd and Vine.
- My feet won't reach the pedals.
- Put this behind your tookus.
- I told them to give me a smart car.
- It says here you guys sleep in a shoe box.
- That's personal.
- Hello, I would like to buy some cocaine.
- The two of you have literally solved zero cases.
- Hey.
- You are lucky my arms are too short to reach you.
- Hi.
- That's just my face penis.
- We're going to need your gun and your badge.
- This is a joke.
- Fine.
- You two are terrible detectives.
- No, we're tiny detectives.
- Oh, come on goddammit.
- That's the whole thing here, okay?
That's what this is about.
(ominous music)
- [Serious Narrator] America's war on drugs has failed.
Baltimore has been torn apart by drug related violence.
And now the violence is spreading.
- [Friendly Narrator] To the Player's Theater this summer in
The Wire the Musical.
- WMDs, right here, right here.
- Omar coming.
- [Friendly Narrator] Michael Kenneth Williams reprises
his role as Omar.
♫ Omar's coming, Omar's coming, Omar's coming
♫ Omar's coming, Omar's coming,
♫ When Omar go a'huntin' all the slingers shout my name
♫ They ask me Omar, yo, are you survivin' this game
♫ You gotta whistle, babe
♫ Before the shotty goes boom.
(laughing)
(whistling)
(rhythmic clapping)
♫ Omar
- [Friendly Narrator] Featuring many
of your favorite cast members,
and some fresh faces.
(upbeat music)
♫ He's a bastard
♫ He's my partner
♫ Real police
♫ Absentee father
♫ I'm McNulty
♫ Screwing Ronnie when I'm drunk
♫ Solving homicides with Bunk
♫ Jimmy McNulty
- You're a real piece of work McNulty.
- What the frick did I do?
(laughing)
- [Friendly Narrator] It's a family friendly show.
You'll see all your favorite characters.
Like Bubbles!
♫ Come on, Bubs
♫ Stop doin' drugs
♫ My name's Bubs
♫ I snitch for drugs
♫ He snitch for drugs
♫ I gotta talk about surviving
♫ Get that power high above
♫ Come on Bubs
♫ Stop doing drugs, stop doing drugs, stop doing drugs
- [Friendly Narrator] D'Angelo Barksdale
- Why y'all playin' checkers on a chess set?
- 'Cause we don't understand chess.
- It doesn't relate to our lives.
- But don't you see?
♫ Chess is a metaphor for drug deals
♫ Avon is the king and we're the pawns
♫ But the game don't change
♫ And the king will stay the king
♫ While you and I will soon be dead and gone
- [Friendly Narrator] You'll see Snoop
as you've never seen her before.
(slow lounge music)
- Man, this is some Cinderella bull (bleep), man.
- [Friendly Narrator] And Faizon Love as Stringer Bell.
(slow sultry music)
♫ Stringer Bell
- I hate 40 degree days.
- [Friendly Narrator] Experience The Wire's
realistic portrayal of America's decaying inner cities
through the magic of song.
♫ I'm just a burner
♫ They can't trace me
♫ Use me for drug deals
♫ Then replace me
♫ Mr. Little, you're a parasite leaching off the drug game
♫ Well, you and I is exactly the same
♫ Excuse me, what
♫ You heard me, you disgrace
♫ I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase
- [Friendly Narrator] You'll have the catchy songs
stuck in your head all week.
♫ There are complex problems
♫ Inherent in the bureaucratic institutions of the state
♫ But there's no one to blame
♫ It's a vast array of personal interests
♫ That conflict in a way that
♫ Undermines the overall system
- [Friendly Narrator] You'll experience all five seasons
of one of television's densest shows
in 90 minutes of musical magic.
- I thought you'd understand.
The cops.
The slingers.
We're all the same.
As we go through life, we all walk along.
(chokes)
The wire.
♫ It's all in the game
♫ But how long must we play
- [Friendly Narrator] The New York times writes,
"I'm pretty sure David Simon
"doesn't know they're doing this.
"But if he did, he'd love it."
(coughs)
- I need a hit.
- Y'all come on down to the Player's Theater,
or Omar's gonna come to your house and put some lead in ya.
That's Fridays and Saturdays, and Sunday matinee.
- [Friendly Narrator] The Wire, The Musical.
Tickets on sale now.
♫ Way down in the hole
(fun music)
- [Narrator] Coming this January on TNT,
Detective Connie Tough is the toughest lady
on Chicago's police force. (grunting)
- You're going away for a long time creep.
- [Narrator] So whatever you do, don't call her dainty.
- What's the matter Officer Tough?
That time of the month again?
- Say that again, I dare ya.
- [Narrator] Tough Justice, TNT's next great drama,
starring Downton Abbey's Michelle Dockery
in her first American Role
but she's not lady Mary anymore.
(camera shutter clicking)
- [Man] Looks like the killer left us another gift.
(classical violins)
- [Narrator] Well, most of the time,
she's not Lady Mary,
she's Connie Tough. (electric guitar music)
- We're gonna need more evidence.
We should head over to the L train,
see what else we can find.
- The elevated rail system,
I'm not sure that's been invented.
(sighs) (elegant violins)
Have Carson bring the car around.
- [Narrator] Alright bad example.
(hardcore rock) She's Connie Tough.
- Address. Let's go.
- Right behind you,
just as soon as my hair's done properly.
(classical flutes)
Now Anna, how are things with Bates?
- [Anna] Not good, I'm afraid. - What the f-
- God dammit Tough,
city hall's up my ass because
you barged in there in a horse and buggy,
you choked a man with your corset,
and then you took a three hour break for tea!
This anachronistic behavior has to stop!
- [Man] Looks like the maid died around midnight.
- Well, I suppose they'll have to get another maid.
Case closed.
- Wait, What?
(thrilling music) (shots firing)
- Dammit, I'm out.
Shoot him John!
- At the ready,
aim, - And he's gone.
- Fire!
- [Narrator] Uh...
There's no way Connie Tough won't get tough
given a new partner. - Welcome to the force.
- [Narrator] Nevermind!
Not showing anymore of that.
There we go.
She's Connie, oh my God!
Okay, guys. (camera shutter clicking)
(sad violins) - Please don't tell my father
I'm collecting semen samples, it will ruin the family.
- [Narrator] Son of a bitch. - Matthew!
(dramatic sobbing)
Matthew!
- [Narrator] Tough Justice, coming this January,
Depending on if Michelle Dockery can get her shit together.
Only on TNT.
(ominous music)
- [Voiceover] From the producers
of Sharknado 2
(cameras flash)
(footsteps)
- Pardon me, does anyone have a pencil, please?
You know, my wife gives me a pencil every morning,
I just can't seem to hold onto them.
- Wow, that's wonderful to know.
Now, if there's anything else I can help you
- No, no, no. This should be just fine.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Oh, just one more thing.
(screaming)
- [Voiceover] The Internet is already
freaking out about Sharklumbo.
- I'll make this quick, and then
I promise I'll be out of your hair.
- It's no problem, Lieutenant Sharklumbo.
- I was going over the telephone records,
you made three calls to Minneapolis last month.
- My husband does business there quite often.
- Of course.
Ma'am, just one more thing.
(screaming)
Oh, my hand!
Somebody help! Sharklumbo ate my hand!
- [Voiceover] Sharklumbo. It's a shark,
and it's also Peter Falk as Columbo.
All the celebrities are tweeting about
- Sharklumbo!
(screams)
- Boy, these are beautiful.
- And quite valuable, lieutenant.
- Well, I'm certainly glad they've
been returned to their rightful owner.
- Well, thank you for all of your assistance.
- Uh, just one more thing.
- Please don't eat me.
- What?
- Please don't eat me, I'm very scared of sharks.
- Oh no, I'm a detective.
- But you're also a shark.
- But, I'm very foxy and disarming.
- But you're a shark.
- What are you, my wife?
- What?
(screams)
- [Voiceover] Sharklumbo.
Coming soon to the Idiot Channel.
- Do you mind if I keep this hand?
My wife, she loves momentos.
Male Narrator: Coming up on this season of The Millennial Bachelorette.
We follow one woman's journey to find her one true non-exclusive soulmate.
♫ [Music] ♫
KeKe: I'm really confident that the guy who I will eventually
go grab drinks with once work stuff clears up is in here,
probably.
Look, my parents are coming in next week, and
none of ya'll are really my type, but we will make it work.
#WeWillSee
Where are the black guys?
Male Narrator: Our 10 Twitter Verified web-lebrities
vie for the attention of Micole, a woman who under normal
circumstances would never talk to them, and the
competition is stiff.
I'm sorry, who is that guy?
Oh, that's Zinc, my best plutonic friend from college.
Great.
Male Narrator: Not only that, but tensions fly high.
I've been an Apple Genius for 4 years, and I can tell you this right now,
[...], unplug the router.
Male Narrator: Motives are questioned.
This other Brenton, he's not even here for the right reasons.
Oh yeah, I'm gay. I'm just here to work on my app.
It's called Puff, and it connects desperate gay
daddy's with Brits from out of town.
Male Narrator: Matches are made.
Pffff.
Never. Never man.
Male Narrator: And despite her best efforts, Micole catches feelings.
Listen, I don't want to lead you on, 'cause you know,
I'm gay.
That doesn't effect how I feel about you.
Brendon F. is the only one I feel comfortable around.
I think I'm falling for you.
(Whispering) I think you should maybe see a therapist.
Male Narrator: Obviously sexuality is a spectrum, but
every season of The Bachelorette still needs a rose ceremony.
[Whoosh]
Come on. So that's it? I'm out?
Male Narrator: Get ready for a season full of lukewarm
emotional investment, and unmet expectations, as Micole
barely fulfills her contractual obligation to the show.
That's my butt.
Male Narrator: And later this season, we even bring back fan favorite, JoJo.
I'm just looking for someone to get close to, and
then slowly distance myself from him as I prioritize my career.
Male Voice: I'm sorry. Were you--
Were you on The Bachelor?
No. No.
Male Voice: Hey Rob?
F.: Wouldn't it be crazy if we just
took our clothes off?
Yeah. That would be nice.