There's something I never told you.
But how do I tell you? How do I tell you something is wrong with me?
How do I tell you I have depression, that I deal with it every day?
That I have been for years?
It's so hard to explain depression to someone who doesn't deal with it. It's not something you just get over.
You can't just will yourself to be happy.
I wish people would stop saying that.
Imagine having a rain cloud over your head, all day, every day.
Imagine not being able to find joy in anything.
Imagine waking up every day feeling anxious and not being able to explain why.
I wish I could control it.
I've tried everything.
I've watched the motivational speeches. I've read thousands of positive quotes.
I've even tried the whole daily affirmations thing as if I could convince myself, am happy
Honestly, sometimes it works.. for a bit
But it always feels temporary, like I know exactly where I'm going to end up again. It feels like it gets worse all the time.
Like a downward spiral that's impossible to escape.
It's kind of like I'm treading on water, but my arms are getting really tired, and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to swim for.
All you see is the outside, the surface.
Because that's all that I allow you to see.
I don't want you to see this side of me.
The side of me that is me, but isn't me all at the same time.
I really feel like the real me is happy. I know it's inside me, but it's like I'm being weighed down by these thoughts.
Sucking the happiness out of everything.
I have so much to be thankful for and I know I'm supposed to be grateful for everything I have,
But it's like there's something preventing me from enjoying it.
Enjoying life.
I feel guilty, guilty that I can't appreciate anything.
Guilty that I keep putting my problems on my family and friends.
I'm Guilty that I'm always angry.
Angry at life, I guess. I never thought this would be me.
I used to be so happy, but something changed.
The things that have happened to me, the mistakes I've made.
Why do I replay them over and over in my head like they just happened? Torturing myself.
What if I told you all this?
What would you think of me? Would you judge me?
Would you abandon me because you see the real me instead of the facade of happiness you're used to seeing everyday online?
Am I alone in this? Am I the only one who feels like this?
I can't be, but if that's true, why doesn't anyone else speak up above their own depression?
All I ever see online are people smiling all the time.
Nobody ever says they're depressed.
Is it all a show for views and likes?
Or is it all real, and I'm the only one who suffers like this?
Maybe I am alone.
Or maybe there's a stigma.
All I know is I can't do this anymore.
Something's got to change.
It's time to call it what it is: depression. And it's real.
It's not just a series of weeks turned into months turned into years.
This is not something I will just get over.
I can't do this on my own.
I need help.
Therapy, a psychologist, or even medication.
Something.
I know there's no shame in getting help, hell,
I've spoken so openly about the importance of mental health and the awareness of non social medias so many times.
But the truth is, I'm a hypocrite.
Because despite the campaign's and posts and retweets,
I've never taken care of my own mental health.
So it's time that I talk openly about this about my own struggles. The world needs to know the truth.
Because maybe there is someone else out there that suffers like I do.
Someone else who feels hopeless like I do.
Who might find comfort that they're not alone. Who might be inspired to finally get help.
I have to try.
So today it begins, and it starts with this video.
It's time I admit I've gotten comfortable feeling this way. I'm so used to feeling down that it seems normal.
It's what I'm used to, but no more.
I'm going to go to therapy and whatever it takes because I know it's worth trying.
I'm going to seek real help because whatever it leads to has to be better than this.
I'm not going to feel guilty or ashamed anymore.
I'm going to pick myself up and do something about this.
Depression is no longer going to run my life,
Dictating my decisions.
Today I'm taking back control. I'm taking back my life.
So now you know. I don't know what happens from here, but I know this is the right first step.
So the only question left is,
Am I alone?
No you aren't, Matt. You're not alone. I and other true fans, friends and family will support you through all the hard times.
We will all enjoy the good times.
Good luck, Matt.