- Need to fart now. [bystanders laughing]
There we go.
Hello, "British Vogue."
I'm Miriam Margolyes
and I'm going to show you what's in my bag.
[sleek music]
So we'll start off with my lovely scarf.
I love a green scarf and I always carry it with me.
This book is a memoir.
It's got naughty tales of the people I've slept
with and the people I haven't slept with.
I've got lots of photographs.
This is my wedding day and this is my partner.
I didn't want to be married, you know, religiously.
I wanted a civil partnership and that's what I've got.
I made a mistake on the day, I got it all ready
and I had a table booked at Cafe Zedel
and when I got there, the registrar, very nice lady,
she said, "Well, we'll see you next week then."
And I said, "Next week, what do you mean?
This is it, isn't it"?
And she said, "No, I'm sorry, we always have an interview
first to make sure that you're not being forced
or coerced into marriage.
We still went for the meal, don't worry.
But I did feel a bit of a twat, I must say.
Oh yes, well this, [Miriam laughs]
you see, I always carry an old bag
like this 'cause I am an old bag.
I like to have room for what I pick up on the way.
Like life really.
I bought this in New York, I think it was $5.
It's got a little secret department there where you can put,
you know, condoms or whatever you want.
Oh yes, I've got a napkin and I think I stole it
from an airline and I had it dyed because I like navy blue.
I'm always eating and when I eat I drop crumbs.
And because I have large breasts,
I call it the continental shelf,
it falls on the napkin instead
and keeps the breasts and the clothes clean.
Oh, these are my sun reading glasses.
They suit me, don't they?
Oh yes, these are my nickers.
Clean of course.
Spare pair.
I'm not very good at holding onto my water.
So when I want to pee, I have to get to a loo quickly.
The gusset most important, look how clean it is.
I like a strong gusset.
Heather, my darling partner,
she dyes them navy blue, just like the napkin.
If you want to know the size.
52 to 54 centimeters and it covers everything.
Now this is the meat of the matter
and inside there's a marvelous array of things.
First thing I'm going to take out might surprise you.
It's an onion.
I'd always carry an onion because I love them.
I actually had a bit, I see this morning.
This is a white onion.
I prefer white onions to red onions
because they have more bite.
[onion crunching]
I don't think people mind if you smell of onion.
It's not bad breath, it's just onion breath.
And sometimes people say, "Christ, you smell of onion."
And I say, "Yeah."
There's one other little round red thing.
No, not that darling.
Radish is a almost, well I won't say a sexual delight
but it's close 'cause it's a big bang in your mouth
if you know what I mean.
Now then I'm holding my lipsticks.
I don't use lipstick except if I'm going out
or if I'm acting or on camera.
But what I always need is tweezers.
Now this is something that every woman should carry
who's over 35.
Whether they admit to it or not, they have whiskers.
I was told that "Vogue" would be interested
in my beauty habits.
I don't have any beauty habits.
I have tweezers.
What other goodies I've got to show you.
Oh yes.
Sad to say this old fart here is a disabled lady.
I've got something called spinal stenosis.
And this is what people want to steal.
They don't wanna steal the car,
they wanna steal the disabled sticker.
What I would say to the world,
do not park in disabled spaces.
If you have no right to it, don't bloody do it.
Oh yes.
Every girl needs that, pot of Nivea
to moisten areas which get dry.
And I leave it to you to work out which they are.
This is my purse and this is where I keep my money.
And unlike the Queen, I do carry money.
Dear Queen, bless her.
I was really sad when she died.
I did meet her Majesty.
It was British Book Week
and I was invited along with all the people
in the book industry to a party at Buckingham Palace.
She stopped in front of me and she said,
"And what do you do?"
And like an idiot, instead of just replying
in a normal manner, "I'm an actress, your Majesty"
which would've been the sensible thing to do,
for some reason I said to her, "Your Majesty,
I am the best reader of stories in the whole world."
She looked at me [Miriam sighs]
and moved quickly to the next person.
This is Tabu, an Italian licorice breath sweetener.
And this is Joe Malone, which is my perfume of choice.
Lime, mandarin, and basil.
Fresh. I like to smell fresh.
I don't always, that's my bank card,
keys and driving license.
My little Airbuds, I think that's what they call, earbuds.
I like proper piano music.
And Brahms, Beethoven Schubert, Mozart.
Can't stand Abba.
Sunglasses, mirror, main glasses.
Oh, now this, this is a wonderful key.
This is a disabled lavatory key.
And you don't have to ring
and wait for bloody hours while you're pissing yourself.
Saved my nickers time after time.
[upbeat music]
Thank you so much for watching.
I'm Miriam Margolyes.
And now you know what was in my bag.
It's a, it's, excuse me, who was that?
Somebody farted and it wasn't me.