(uptempo acoustic music)
- Hi, I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom,
and if you're anything like me, you believe that
a glass of wine at eight PM, every once in awhile,
don't get crazy, makes you a better mom.
So pour yourself a glass and let's talk.
By the way, did you see we fixed the intro?
Tonight, we're drinking rose.
I bought my rose a little dress,
because one of us should be fancy, am I right?
I just talked to my wine.
So there's something I've been dying to tell you guys,
but first, you need a little bit of backstory.
Both my kids go to daycare,
and they go to daycare near where I work,
so I drop them off every morning.
And every morning, I see this cute little old lady.
I smile and I wave hello.
And every morning, she gives me this death glare.
Just, like...
Whoa, this cute old lady, what the heck, man.
But I realize, she's not looking at me,
she's looking at my hair.
Because I have blue hair.
This is a hot topic on all of the comments
on all these videos, too, so I figure it's a perfect time
to talk about this.
Let's talk about the worst things about judgy parents.
So let's start off with what that old woman
was judging me for, colored hair.
In every video ever that I'm in, there's some commentor
who says something like,
(in a deep voice) Ooh, she's a mom,
she shouldn't have blue hair.
My favorite color is blue, so when I dyed my hair blue,
it just unlocked this whole wave of confidence
and happiness, and it benefits my kids so much more
to have a happy, confident mom.
So any moms out there with colored hair,
this one's for you.
I got a wine mustache from that one.
Next, your age.
I was pretty young when I had my first,
and I looked very young.
So I would get all these strangers,
like, at the park with their kids,
they would come up to me and kneel down on my son's level,
and be like, where's your dad?
Where's your dad, I don't know, what?
I got shit like, oh, was he planned?
Oh, was he an accident?
Is the dad still involved?
Who's, what?
For people who are a little bit older,
they get the same thing, like oh, aren't you tired?
Oh, don't you wish you had done it earlier,
'cause you wanted a second?
Since when did this become your business,
weird random stranger on the sidewalk?
I feel like people thought they could ask me all these
intrusive questions because I did look young,
and to them, the age that they had children
was the proper time.
So now, when I see a young mom, I will go over and be like,
hey, you wanna come over and have some wine?
Are you even old enough to drink wine?
Can I see your ID?
Just come on over and let's have a glass of wine.
Next.
Something.
Next, meltdowns in public.
I have two kids, they are four and one and a half.
They're, like, pretty bad ages for meltdowns.
And it usually always happens at the grocery store.
My kids always meltdown, what do you expect?
It's like, character shit in every aisle.
So you go in one aisle, and it's Spider-Man cereal,
you can't have that.
Go in the next aisle and it's Captain America
fruit roll-ups, not buying that for you.
Next aisle, they're selling Batman sugar bags.
Just bags of sugar with Batman on the front.
And so when they do, it's like, what do you expect me to do?
Should I just leave my cart and leave?
Like, we need groceries.
So, why are these other parents looking at me
with a disapproving look and, like, muttering, like,
(in a deep voice) Oh, she should control her kids.
Usually, these parents are parents of children
who are well past the age of mine.
Do they don't really understand or seem to remember
what it was like?
We're not at a movie theater, you're not paying to, like,
enjoy this experience at the grocery store,
we're all grocery shopping.
Chill out a little bit.
In this situation, parents should help each-other out.
If you see me at the grocery store
with both of my kids melting, just take one.
Have it!
It's yours!
Next, milestones.
There are certain parents, it's usually, like,
the tiger mom type, who judge your child
based on their milestones.
I got all this crap with my oldest son because
he was two and a half and he wasn't potty trained.
And there were all these other moms who were like,
(in a high voice) Oh, he's still in pull-ups?
There are some parents who think that their child
should be potty trained by the age of six months
or something crazy like that.
And it's because they do this weird thing where they
hold him over the toilet when they feel like they're
about to crap or, it's, I don't even get it.
He's four now, and he goes to the bathroom just fine.
It happens for each kid at their own time.
My kids' bowel movements have nothing to do with you,
unless you would like to come clean them up for me.
You can judge all you want,
as long as you wipe my kids' butt for me.
Next, childbirth.
There is a certain subset of moms
who are gonna judge you for the way you gave birth.
They'll judge you if you had an epidural.
They'll judge you if you had a C-section.
They'll judge you if you had a waterbirth.
They'll judge you if you did it at home.
They'll judge you if you did it at a hospital.
They'll judge every single part about your birth
that's not the same as the way that they gave birth.
Which doesn't make any sense to me,
because the kid's already out.
There's nothing we can do about it.
Like, I can't shove it back in and do it the way
that you thought I should have.
So for both of my boys, they were very short labors,
it was extremely painful, and I walked right into
the hospital being like, drugs, drugs, drugs?
I got the epidural, I did it in the hospital,
that's where I was comfortable,
and there's always that one mom
who you tell them your birth experience, and they're like,
(in a high voice) Oh, well I had mine at home, with no meds.
Like they're better than you.
We both got it out!
I don't care how yours came out,
I don't care where you were.
Why do you care where mine was?
If I see a baby, I'm not like,
hmm, I wonder how it came out of its mom's vagina.
I don't give a flying hoot about the birth plan.
Did I just say flying hoot?
But the worst part about judgy parents,
is that we're all judgy parents.
I'm judging judgy parents right now,
y'all are gonna judge me in the comments,
you are gonna judge each-other in the comments.
So let's just all stop.
We're all on this crap rocket ride of parenthood,
let's be nice to each-other.
If you see something that you wanna judge,
save it for something interesting
to tell your significant other.
Hey, guess what I saw,
some dummy talking about judgy parents.
She was so dumb, she had stupid hair, blah blah blah.
It's perfectly acceptable to be judgy,
but it's not okay to be mean.
So that's all I got for today.
I'm Hannah, your friendly neighborhood wine mom.
It should be interesting to see the comments
on this video, let's try to keep it nice.
'Cause I read them, I appreciate them, and as always,
if there's anything you want me to talk about,
leave it in the comments.
And if you have something mean to say,
take that to Twitter, because I don't have a Twitter
and I don't know how to use it.
So, 'til next time!