YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME FOCUSING ON THE BIG,
FRONT-PAGE STORIES THAT EVERY SO OFTEN, IT'S NICE TO CLIP OUT A
LETTER HERE, A LETTER THERE, AND ASSEMBLE THOSE LETTERS IN THE
RANSOM NOTE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
"MEANWHILE."
PEOPLE ARE PREPARED FOR IT, THEY WANT IT.
MEANWHILE, YOU KNOW HOW 12 PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES WASN'T
AS MANY AS YOU'D LIKE?
WELL, GOOD NEWS: TIM RYAN IS SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING A 2020 BID
FOR PRESIDENT.
I ALREADY KNOW WHAT HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WILL BE.
"TIM RYAN 2020: TOWARD A FUTURE WHERE PEOPLE KNOW WHO
TIM RYAN IS."
( LAUGHTER )
RYAN, OR HIS IMMEDIATELY FAMILY, THIS IS TIM RYAN, I HAVE BEEN
TOLD.
HE'S A CONGRESSMAN FROM OHIO.
HE'S BEEN COY ABOUT THE TIMING OF HIS DECISION SO FAR, BECAUSE
NO ONE ASKED HIM.
( LAUGHTER )
LAST NIGHT, ERIN BURNETT, FOR SOME REASON, PRESSED HIM FOR
ANSWERS.
>> WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO DECIDE?
>> UH... I DON'T FEEL ANY PRESSURE FOR ANY TIMELINE AT
THIS POINT.
>> Stephen: I TOTALLY GET THAT, TIM.
I'M THINKING ABOUT BECOMING A POWER FORWARD FOR THE LAKERS.
WHEN WILL I DECIDE?
YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WAIT.
I DON'T FEEL ANY PRESSURE FOR ANY TIMELINE AT THIS POINT.
MEANWHILE, FOLLOWING HIS CONVICTION THIS WEEK, DRUG
KINGPIN EL CHAPO IS PROBABLY HEADED TO A SUPER-MAX PRISON IN
COLORADO, WHICH IS KNOWN AS "THE ALCATRAZ OF THE ROCKIES,"
GIVING IT A SLIGHTLY SNAZZIER NICKNAME THAN PIKE COUNTY
CORRECTIONAL IN PENNSYLVANIA, KNOWN AS "THE RIKERS OF THE
POCONOS!"
MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE-- A LOT OF HONEYMOONING CONVICTS GO THERE,
HEART-SHAPED CELLS.
MEANWHILE, IN SPORTS NEWS, THE CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE HAS
ANNOUNCED-- LET ME PAUSE RIGHT THERE-- FIRST OF ALL, THERE IS A
CANADIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE, AND THE CHEERLEADERS ARE HERE
TONIGHT,EFLY.
THEY'VE ANNOUNCED SOMETHING-- SPECIFICALLY, THAT A DEFENSIVE
TACKLE WITH THE ACTUAL NAME "POOP JOHNSON" HAS SIGNED TO
PLAY WITH THE TORONTO ARGONAUTS.
AND WHERE DID "POOP" GET HIS NICKNAME?
THE ANSWER WILL MAKE YOU SAY, "YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE."
You SEE, A DEFENSIVE TACKLE NEEDS TO STAY HEAVY, AND WHEN
ASKED ABOUT HIS WEIGHT BY SPORTS REPORTERS, JOHNSON ONCE SAID,
"HE CAN WEIGH ANYWHERE FROM 280 POUNDS TO 300, DEPENDING ON THE
DAY.
HOW?
"I GUESS BECAUSE I POOP SO MUCH."
20 POUNDS?
RCHLTSD OH, MY!
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT ON YOUR DEFENSIVE LINE.
YOU WANT A GUY WHO CAN LOOK HIS OPPONENT IN THE EYE AND SAY, "I
CRAP THREE BABIES A DAY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE-- MEANWHILE-- THAT GETS APPLAUSE.
THAT, THAT GETS APPLAUSE.
MEANWHILE, IN "FOR $5,000, YOU CAN HUNT BIGFOOT WITH JOSE
CANSECO" NEWS.
AND WE HAVE A NEW WINNER FOR "MOST RANDOM HEADLINE," KNOCKING
OUT PREVIOUS CHAMPION, "THE DAD FROM 'FAMILY MATTERS' WILL LET
YOU RIDE HIS SNOWMOBILE FOR 20 BUCKS."
( LAUGHTER )
VENTURE FOR THE FORMER MAJOR LEAGUE SLUGGER AND STEROID
SOMMELIER.
BY THE WAY, CANSECO IS THE ONE ON THE LEFT.
( LAUGHTER )
OPERATION MADE IT CLEAR, "ONLY SERIOUS INQUIRIES PLEASE."
OKAY?
DON'T CALL ASKING TO HUNT BIGFOOT WITH JOSE CANSECO IF
YOU'RE GOING TO TREAT IT LIKE SOME KIND OF JOKE.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU CAN JUST TAKE YOUR BUSINESS OVER TO "PETE ROSE'S CHUPACABRA
SAFARI."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK