It's Halloween... again.
Or as I like to call it, "the stupidest time of the year."
'Cause you've got dumb kids coming to your house,
begging for candy, and then, you have everyone else trying
to come up with a costume that's topical but also hot.
"Oh, look at me. I'm Sexy Quid Pro Quo."
(laughter)
What does that even mean?
But Halloween also means
businesses are pretending they're cool
by coming up with spooky promotions, like this guy.
A car wash in Ohio is doubling down as a haunted house.
Check it out.
Customers can enjoy the spooky experience
while riding through the car wash.
These actors dressed in scary Halloween costumes
will wipe down cars and scare customers.
The frightening car wash costs 20 bucks.
Not only are you locked in your car in a haunted house,
but you're gonna go home
with what we think is the cleanest car in the Ohio.
(laughter)
"The cleanest car in Ohio."
Who cares? It's still in Ohio.
(laughter)
I'd rather have the second dirtiest car anywhere else.
More importantly, why did you have
to combine these two things?
How busy are people?
Are you really just sitting around like,
"Yo, I got time for a haunted house or a car wash.
I can't do both."
And how is this even scary?
I'm not scared of Freddy Krueger if he's working for me for tips.
(laughter)
But if you want a haunted house that has less sitting
and more crapping your pants, then you're in luck.
The country's scariest haunted house is offering $20,000
for anyone who can get through this thing.
MAN: So just to get in,
you'll need to watch a two-hour-long video,
sign a 40-page waiver,
bring a doctor's note saying you passed a physical,
and have a safe word for when you want to give up.
MAN 2: The haunted house includes intense audio,
lighting, extreme low visibility, gross stuff,
close contact with creatures-- they may touch you--
and graphic and pretty real scenes of horror.
WOMAN: Now, the tour taps into your personal fears,
such as being buried alive or drowning.
The entire experience can last up to ten hours.
(audience groaning)
-Holy shit. -(laughter)
Close contact with disgusting creatures that may touch you?
That's not a haunted house.
That's a sleepover at Jeffrey Epstein's place.
-Right? -(laughter, groaning)
Look, can we all just agree
that haunted houses are stupid?
It's a bunch of losers yelling "Boo!"
You're booing me? I'm booing you.
Boo! Boo!
That blood looks fake. Boo!
The whole idea of a haunted house combines two things
I don't want to do, okay-- be scared
and go to someone else's house.
I mean, if you want to spend money to have a shitty night,
just go on a Tinder date, okay?
-(laughter, groaning) -Oh.
"Oh, wow. That's so interesting.
I've never met anyone who likes to travel before."
(laughter)
Honestly, the scariest thing
about Halloween is how corporate it is, okay?
You can't do anything
without running into promotional bullshit.
MAN: Just in time for Halloween, Burger King's introducing
what they're calling the "Ghost Whopper."
WOMAN: Chipotle is back
with its annual Boorito deal for Halloween.
If customers come in dressed in costume on Halloween,
they can get a burrito for just four bucks.
MAN 2: In honor of Halloween, the coffee giant is debuting--
check it out right there-- the Phantom Frappuccino.
It is a black and green drink.
MAN 3: The food product, designed to look like slime,
contains charcoal powder to add the black coloring.
Well, activated charcoal is banned in New York City
because of safety concerns tied to it.
Damn, that drink got banned in New York?
Do you know how bad that coffee has to be
to be considered a health risk in New York?
This is the same city where pizza gets delivered by a rat.
Right? So, yo.
And if you ask me, all these gimmicks are so unnecessary.
Fast food is already scary, okay?
Just put a flashlight under your chin
-and read the list of ingredients. Ew. -Wow, Ronny.
Ronny, you're-you're really not into the season.
Are you...?
Like, do you celebrate anything Halloween?
Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I-I love getting into the Halloween spirit.
I buy candy, and when trick-or-treaters come
to my door, I eat it in their faces
to show them that nothing in life is free.
Ronny Chieng, everyone.