So we get all these complaints and
questions at The Marriage Foundation and
this one is
juicy. "My wife thinks I'm cheating on her
and I'm not." My name is Paul Friedman
and I founded The Marriage Foundation
and I can help you with this --
I can. So I'm going to help you though in
a little bit of a different way.
I'm going to help you by not addressing
this particular
problem per se head on
because nothing will work. You see, we
cannot control,
you cannot control your wife's thinking.
She's going to think it. She's going to
think it.
All you can do is behave in a manner
that suggests to her that it is
impossible for you to cheat.
Right now what's happening in her mind
is she's getting sensory data
and her mind is taking all of this
information
from the outside world and from her
subconscious mind
and her memories. And her mind is
calculating
that you're probably cheating and she's
letting you know
that she sees you. So stop seeing it as
an
indictment because that's a big problem.
Don't see it as an indictment.
See it instead as
this is my what my wife is thinking. I
love
my wife so what can I do,
this is really how you should be
thinking. I love my wife
so what can I do to reassure her
to give her comfort,
security in our relationship.
What can I do? Because right now what I'm
doing
isn't working towards that end.
Please do not say "that's not my problem"
of course, it is your problem because
you want to live in a harmonious space.
You might even look at this as a
handicap
that she has that might help you because
if she has a handicap, you're not going
to turn
your back on her. And when I say a
handicap, I'm talking about a physical
handicap.
Let's say that she had a problem with
her arm and she can't carry groceries
so you make it a point because you're a
noble guy. You love her. You are into
protecting her
so you'll carry the groceries. You'll
open the door.
You'll be in front of her
needs because she has a handicap arm.
So see that she has a handicap in her
thinking that is causing her tremendous
stress and anxiety.
And instead of just condemning her for
this
or complaining about her,
you should be asking what can I do to
alleviate
the stress that she has. Basically,
you have a wife who has
jealousy going on and insecurity going
on.
Now I'm going to ask you a
straightforward question.
Do you ever look at other women when you
guys are together?
Do you flirt at all?
Do you look at movies together and you
go, "Wow, she's really hot."
Does she notice you noticing other women?
So that's sort of like over-the-line
kind of stuff
which I'm asking you this it's really
important for you
to first answer that because that's the
first stuff
that you want to get rid of and you
should
get rid of it. If you love her obviously
you want her to be happy. It's not
important
for you to recognize the beauty of other
women.
You have your woman. Her beauty is the
only beauty
that matters. Paying attention to her
is the only important thing so you have
all these
non-friend friends who maybe have big
boobs on Facebook,
unfriend them because she's noticing
that you're checking it out
So all of that stuff that's on this side
of the line
sort of like active indicators
that tell her she's not the only one
and that's how you do it. Anything
that you do
that is sending a message to her
that you are the least bit interested
in other women whether it's for their
intelligence
or their looks or their legs or their
breasts
it doesn't matter. That's the first step.
Second step is you need to start
adoring your wife proactively
but you can't just do the second step.
You got to do the first step too or
you're going to come across
as full of it as a con artist.
Women are not stupid. Let me tell you.
They don't think like men. They operate
very differently in their minds
but they're far from stupid. They're
usually smarter than men when it comes
to detecting
these kind of things. They've got a
special radar built in
because of their gender. And Oh my God! Am
I going to hear about that?
But I don't care it's the truth. Women
are more intuitive. They're more
connected to their heart.
So decide, do I love my wife?
See, you probably wrote this question
in or this complaint in because it
bugged you
that you were constantly being accused,
right?
Be honest and I'm helping you to see
that there's a better way to look at
this
but you first even before you do one and
two,
you got to stop seeing this. I'm
repeating myself but it's important.
You've got to stop
seeing this as an indictment of you as
an attack upon you
or any of that stuff. It's not about you
but you can really make a difference in
your marriage
when you do this right. You need to learn
about marriage because you need to learn
about the benefits of marriage
because you know I'm Jewish.
I'll tell you the truth and I was raised
Jewish and we have our little
sayings. They're cute you know like
even a lot of the words have come into
the English language and they're cool
like when you call someone a
schmuck or a kibitzer. This is all
jewish stuff.
And one time I asked my uncle,
I was a teenager. I said, "Did you
ever cheat on
an aunt blah blah?" Because I grew up in
the 60s, things were starting to open up
and people like expected you to be cool
by cheating
which it's not. And he said,
"Why should I get a hamburger down the
street when I've got a buffet at home?"
Think about that but if you don't know
how to tap into these benefits that you
have by being married
then your eyes are going to move around.
Your thoughts
are going to betray the loyalty that
you've promised to your wife.
Does this make sense? I hope it does. I
hope this helps you.
I'm Paul Friedman. I founded The Marriage
Foundation and we're only here to help
you.
Go to our website at
themarriagefoundation.org.
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