Hello little buns it is Stef welcome back to my home.
Today I want to talk to you about something that's bothered me for a long time
sort of it's sort of I also want to help you out a little bit I
have been in a very unhealthy
relationship. I might even go as far as to say it was abusive. It wasn't a romantic relationship
it was a friendship.
And it got me to a place where I felt worthless and I felt useless and I felt stupid and I felt
basically, I did not value myself at all and I felt terrible and it happened so slowly and so. You know I had no idea
it was happening
I had no idea that it was that it was this person contributing to my life in this way and that it was this person
making me feel this way. I didn't even realize I was feeling this way I didn't realize that I was less productive
I was less happy
I was less engaged. There were so many things that were wrong in that situation
and I want to give you guys the tools and the resources to be able to
notice when you're in that situation and to be able to get out of it, so let's talk about unhealthy relationships
Hi poots, are you the star of the video?
Look at you. Are you the star of the video? I don't know if you guys can see her, but she's visiting
She's being a cutie goobagoo. She's a cutie goobaboo. Aren't you a good girl. Googoogoogoo. Okay?
Hi poots
Hi, sweetie. I'm working right now Bubby. I'm trying to get my notes open. No friendship and no relationship
whether you know no matter what the nature of it is is perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect that doesn't exist
that's just not real. And I feel like a lot of media
portrays especially like best friends and things to be very
infallible, and you know you have to you have to make them happy you have to you know don't rock the boat
don't don't don't speak up for yourself if they call you stupid you know like don't umm problem.
It's it's those kinds of portrayals of any kind of situation or any kind of person in
media
that usually leads to a problem in real life because we assume they're gonna be like what we see on TV all the time and
your best friend isn't it's just not gonna be like that
I haven't had a situation where it's been like blissful and perfect since high school
and I think when I was in high school with my best friend
I was controlling and I was a bit of a jerk. If it looks perfect
you're probably being a bit of a jerk don't take that to heart that could be inaccurate
but I'm just saying like think about your relationships and understand that if they are not perfect, that's okay that does not mean
it's unhealthy. And if they are perfect
maybe there's something not being talked about because there should be
a healthy amount of disagreement about things that are reasonable. Obviously if your friend thinks that you know
black people should be murdered en mass then that's not a disagreement
that's a moral flaw in their character, and you should not be their friend okay
cool glad we agree on that very glad if your friends are racist don't be friends with them
it's not excusable behavior, okay. Disagreements are totally okay
you know you think this artist is not
talented and this art is you know this person thinks the artist is the most talented artist in the world
it's okay to disagree on things like that where it's not a moral problem
and it's not a situation where life and death you know what I mean you can disagree on those things the problem lies
where, you know, you don't let each other like different things. You don't let each other be different
you don't let each other or you know sometimes you might not let each other be the same. In my situation
I had a friend that you know when I tried to do something that I had a very long-term
interest in and something that I'd done for a long time
but it was something that they did frequently and when I would do it
it made them almost like defensive like it was theirs and they owned it
and how dare I intrude. A lot of what that relationship felt like for me was me trying to
stay out of the way, and that's not okay.
I felt like I was supposed to be the hypeman or I was supposed to be the yes person for this for this friend and
that's just not okay
it just it. I consciously did not have a problem with it, you know, I was like okay
yeah I'll over backwards to make this person
happy and to leave them alone and just be there when they need me
but that's just not cute because I wasn't getting the support that I was giving them.
And then in a situation where I brought that up where I expressed that I was having a lot of anxiety
and I felt like we never really I felt like the support was one-sided
I felt like I wasn't getting help like I was providing to that friend at a time
they shut me down, and they made me feel guilty for bringing that up
they made me feel like I was being a nuisance and that I was being dramatic
And that wasn't all right. Healthy friendships should have a two-way support system
it should be you support your friend your friend supports you back
it should not be you constantly or them constantly
coming to you and asking you and sitting at your feet and begging you for you know
what can I do to make you feel better? Like obviously
that's okay once in a while, but if you are the only person doing that in a situation if it's not
two-sided if it's a one-sided relationship, that's a problem
and it's not healthy. Likewise in the same situation where I felt very shut down and ignored and just not listened to, your friend should
want to hear what you have to say your friends should want to know how you feel, they should want to
experience things like that with you, and if you're in a situation where
you don't feel like that person wants to make an effort to connect. I don't think that's
two-sided and of course there are certain situations where people might not be able
to connect in a way that other people might be able to and that is okay every friendship is different every person is different
so do not apply this giant generalized view of what an unhealthy relationship is to every single person who might not be
exactly like you because that's not going to be accurate 100% of the time, but if that person
repeatedly has not cared for you,
has not cared about how you feel, has not shown interest in you as a person and is just using you to you know
support themselves. No matter what situation is happening with them
that's just not really a healthy relationship for you, so why are you there?
Maybe you feel like you have an obligation or a responsibility for this person
and it's possible that you do if they are your child or maybe a romantic partner going through a very very hard time
but even then if
somebody's going through a very very hard time, and they're treating you like absolute garbage
you don't have to deal with that you might feel responsible for somebody
but it does not mean that you are unless they are literally your child
Okay, or you are a legal guardian, or legal caretaker of somebody. But in a situation like most situations
that's not the case. Now in my situation where I was in this unhealthy relationship
I've said this earlier
but I didn't really realize that I was being treated this way cause it was so slow
and you know that friendship started in a very very healthy, very wonderful place, and we were very close and then over time it
deteriorated and it became something so toxic, and so unhealthy, and so unhappy and it happened so slowly
that I didn't really notice it change. And sometimes things do change
you know just because the friendship was at one point
wonderful does not mean that it's wonderful right now and that does not mean that you have to stick it out.
Just because it was once good, that's not that's not real.
I know that you see that on TV and movies sometimes where they you know they stick through the hard times
and then everything's good after. And you can stick through the hard times, but it might never be good again
it might never become friendly again might never become love loving again it like that's just not
always going to happen. If you do stick around and it becomes great again then great I'm very happy for you, but sometimes
that's not what happens, and I want you to feel like you can get out of those situations
or you can leave if that's the
situation and of course there are many layers of this and it might be a situation where you can't leave if it's a family member
something and I don't have advice for that.
I can't I I don't know what it's like to be reliant on somebody in an unhealthy relationship
and you know if you guys have resources for somebody that's in a situation where they can't really help themselves like that please in the
comments, let me know what's up
I'm also gonna ask on Twitter and try to put some links in the description box for resources like that
So you can get some help of some kind.
But I'm talking about it really a a situation or a friendship where you're not
reliant on each other where you're not financially dependent on somebody for example you're not living with them.
You don't have to stick with them, you don't have to they're not your responsibility
they are a grown adult
and they may have some problems, they may have some issues, they may have you know something they need help with. But if you are
not able to help them, you don't have to keep trying
you don't have to and I don't know if that's going to sound evil
but I really don't think it is. Because if it's at a point where it's affecting your life
and it's bringing you down not even just a little bit it's not affecting your mood but it's
destroying you and it's making you feel worthless and useless
You can't you can't put somebody else ahead of you unless they're literally your child
Okay, okay
like I hope you understand the severity of the situation that I was in and how badly I was feeling. And and you know I
hope that you can reflect on some of the friendships that you have that might not be
making you happy, and if they're not making you happy that's one thing they might not mean
they're unhealthy it might just mean that they're stagnant you know what I mean might be boring which is another whole situation.
But if there's a situation where you feel
totally disrespected and not valued and you bring this to their attention and they shut you down
Cut them off they're not worth it, they're not worth your time,
they're not worth your effort, not worth your energy, not worth your emotion not worth it. Until next time
just remember
you are a complete individual on your own you do not need another person to make you whole okay that includes friendships
Or or romantic relationships, you are whole on your own okay?
And you know maybe you don't feel great right now that does not mean you're not whole okay. I love you so much
Thank you for coming to visit me. Oh my gosh okay I love you so much, byee
I feel like that was slow motion this time
felt like I was like
I don't know cool