- Good morning believe nation!
Today we're going to talk about
how to deal with jealousy.
As always guys as you're watching the clips
if you hear somebody say something
that really resonates with you,
please leave it in the comments below
and put quotes around it
so other people can be inspired as well.
Also when you write it down
it's much more likely to stick with yourself too.
Enjoy.
(upbeat instrumental music)
- [Narrator] It's that knot in your stomach
that mix of fear and anxiety
that materializes when you feel threatened
by someone prettier than you, smarter than you,
it can cause you to do
some pretty stupid, sit-com level stuff
just to regain control,
things that usually hurt other people too.
You're probably familiar with this feeling
it's what Shakespeare called the green-eyed monster
today, we're talking about jealousy.
Here's the thing kids,
jealousy is a distinctly first person emotion.
It almost always comes from a place of insecurity
which you ultimately project on others.
The bottom line, jealousy isn't about the other person
it's about you.
Jealousy tends to come with
a specific set of blinders
and the more jealous we are
the less able we are to, let's say,
empathize with others.
For example, a study conducted by the researchers
at the University of Delaware found that jealous people
were more easily distracted
and less able to perform simple memory games.
So let's try to figure out
how to get your jealousy issues under control.
- You know if you're coming from a place
that fear of inadequacy,
thinking someone's going to leave you,
it often comes from a place
of you're not giving yourself credit.
You know you do good things,
but you don't feel and integrate those into your identity
so that you become a stronger, happier, healthier adult.
A lot of people,
they're actually pretty extraordinary people,
but they don't feel extraordinary,
because all those extraordinary things that happen
they never integrate it.
Someone gives them a compliment,
they're like yeah yeah yeah whatever,
and they can't hear it,
it doesn't penetrate into their identity
where they start going, you know what, I'm alright,
I am good, I can be confident now,
I've achieved enough, I've come far enough,
I've survived enough.
It's about giving yourself credit
and remembering your strengths.
You've come through such difficult things
in your life that you're stronger than you know.
So why is that so important?
Because you know what, if they do leave ya,
you'll be fine, and that is the hardest thing
to believe when you have this fear of jealousy.
They're going to leave, and I might be wrecked.
You won't be wrecked, you've survived a lot in the past,
someone's probably already left you in your life
not to be a blamer or making fun of you
it's just true right?
Lots of people have walked out on me,
lots of people have left me,
I've had lots of breakups in my life,
that happens, and I'm still here.
I'm still surviving.
I'm still a pretty annoyingly happy dude, right?
You can be happy with or without anybody or anything.
You don't need more wealth, you don't need more people,
you don't a higher career, you don't need anything.
You can choose in this moment to feel grateful and blessed.
You can choose to focus your attention
on things that you appreciate,
to take in the good again,
and if you start taking in those good things
that you hear about yourself
if you start taking in those good wins
those small daily actions that you did,
when you hit that goal, when you got that project done,
when you did what you were supposed to do,
when you said something nice,
and start feeling stronger about yourself
you stop worrying about other people
and you can start to say, you know what,
with or without somebody, I'm fine.
'Cause you know what that makes you?
Attractive.
- Turn envy into action.
So envy can be inspiring and instructive.
If you're envious of someone's results
just let that fuel you ahead.
The fact that they did it means that it can be done
and that you can do it too.
So just give them a high-five and a soul shake.
Second, realize that envy is often a clue
that there's something latent in you
that needs to be expressed.
So let that envy trigger you in a beautiful way
let it guide you to where you need
to take some more action in your own life.
So next time that you're feeling some envy
don't feel embarrassed, just remember this tweetable:
"Don't hide your envy, ride your envy
"from 'she has what I want' to
"'I'll have what she's having'."
- So what's the ultimate solution to dealing with jealousy?
The solution is to turn within.
This is not a problem that gets solved externally,
you're not going to win the jealousy game
by going out there
and actually defeating that person or that thing
or getting one up on them.
What you need to do is you need to actually state,
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute,
this is an internal ego struggle that I'm dealing with
and I just got to turn inwards and look inside me
to see what's really going on with my self-image,
my self-esteem, my views on reality,
my beliefs about myself and other people.
That's where the results happen,
so don't get tricked by your ego
into thinking that this is an external problem,
it's not an external problem at all.
You have to also convince yourself
that jealousy is an ego game.
And that that's pretty much what's going on here.
It's not about the fact that you're actually threatened
in some serious way, it's an ego game,
and this is important to convince yourself
because until you convince yourself of this
then you're not going to have the awareness,
consciousness, and self honesty to look inside,
and do the work that's necessary on the inside
to eradicate this jealousy.
If you are able to convince yourself
that this is an ego game,
then you're going to start to think like this:
Oh, so it's me, there's like elements within me
that are causing this.
Let me start to take a look at my ego,
let me start to take a look inside
and get really honest, get very observant,
because there's some really fishy, surreptitious activity
going on inside my psyche, I got to examine that for myself,
get a deeper look at it.
Let's take a look at what's going on.
Let's take a look under the hood.
And that's the key
and once you can convince yourself
that looking under the hood is a good thing
and once you start to see that
Oh looking under the hood
is actually not as easy as I thought it was.
That's going to take some real work.
Then you've got the foundation set
for doing some deep inner work on your jealousy.
- If you put your mind into an environment
where you're constantly thinking negative thoughts
because it's your default pattern
then that's what it's going to respond to.
You start building the negative muscles
and they'll get stronger over time,
and you'll be able to lift more, heavier,
negative things with those muscles.
But it also works if you put it in the positive gym,
and that's what most people,
all you need to do to free yourself from negative thoughts
is to get in a better environment,
get your ass in the positive gym.
How do you do that?
Well in today's world it's easier
and you don't even need to pay
a fitness membership to be able to do it.
So expose yourself consistently
get that compass needle and re-magnetize it
in a different direction.
You do it over time, you don't walk into a gym
with an overweight body and you walk out fit.
No, you walk out sore and it's uncomfortable,
but over time that's what happens.
If you want to stay with an overweight body that's your deal
and I'm here to tell you
if you don't make time for health
you will have to make time for illness.
That's not a rule I made up
that's just the way it is.
If you don't make time for positivity in your life
your default magnetic north is going to swing
over to the negative.
I didn't make that up, that's just the way it is,
and unfortunately most people's default north
points negative.
So your environment, your peer group, the media,
all of the things that most people are associated to
are constantly programming them into a negative direction,
so that when they're sleeping awake
and doing things out of habit,
that's the gravitational there.
And then guess what, we feel trapped by negative thinking.
So how do you free yourself?
Make a conscious decision.
The will is what drives the thoughts
so have a make a decision, a firm resolute decision
that I'm going to get my mental ass in the positive gym.
Very easy to do, surround yourself with positive people.
If you can't do that, read positive books,
watch positive films, films that lift you up
that come from a place of possibility
that support how we can not why I can't.
If people are in your environment that are negative
start tuning them out.
That's not to say that you're better or worse
it's just to say that you want a different environment.
- [Narrator] The next time you're in a situation
where you're experiencing those extreme jealous thoughts,
go into a separate room, take out your WellCast journal
and calm down.
Step one, acknowledge.
Admit it, you're jealous
and you can't run from your feelings,
but by addressing your jealousy head-on
you can keep it from taking on
epic, unrealistic proportions.
Write down exactly what's making you jealous and why.
Let's say you just found out
that your two best friends
didn't invite you to that movie
that they caught last week,
let it out.
"My friends are hanging out without me,
"I'm scared they'll stop being my friend."
It's okay to be a little dramatic,
it's just your journal.
Step two, communicate.
Now that all of your embarrassing thoughts
are out on paper, go get the real story.
Don't have an imaginary argument
with your friends in your head
it's only going to make things worse.
Tell them how you feel about what happened.
Be vulnerable,
and apologize to them if you overreacted in any way
cause you might've.
Make it clear that you're expressing your feelings
and not stating facts.
Speak in "I" statements.
"I feel like you didn't want to hang out with me
"because you're tired of me."
That's your insecurity.
At a certain point,
the only way to get over your jealousy
is to stop thinking about yourself all the time
and see someone else's point of view.
Step three, resolve.
And this will be the hardest part for you
because now you have to listen.
Your friends might tell you that you're overreacting
and they might be right.
"We know you don't like horror movies,
"so we didn't think to invite you."
- My solution to jealousy is
to care less about what other people think.
I think if we're looking at jealousy
there's two sides to it,
there's two sides to it.
The first side is people who are jealous of you
and then the second side is people who you are jealous of.
And so for people who are jealous of you,
you'll find that they're often
hating on you, they're telling you you can't do things
or criticizing your work
where meanwhile they're not doing anything themselves.
Like the critics in your life
typically have never done what you're trying to do,
and so their advice is meaningless to you,
and I recognize that if somebody's jealous of me
that's their own shortcomings.
I don't need to let that impact
what I'm going through.
You get to choose how you deal with somebody's jealousy
or reactions to you,
and my choice is to not care, to let it bounce.
If I fight with them on something, what's the point?
Like what do I get from that
besides more negativity and more hatred
and more just kind of downward spiral.
And so I don't really care what
people think of me.
So that's their issue, and they need to deal with it.
Don't bring me down into your crap,
I'm not getting down into the mud with you.
And the way that I don't care
about these people and their opinions
again is thinking about
"Have they done what I am trying to do?"
"Are they in any kind of position
"to give me advice on this?"
And usually it's nowhere even close.
The people who are hating on your idea
have lower standards in life than you do,
so why are you listening to them?
The second kind of people would be
people that you might be jealous of,
people who have accomplished something
that you want to accomplish
or have a skill that you want to be able to learn.
And for me, I'm not jealous of anybody.
I admire people, I look up to people,
I think it's because it's not just about
achieving the goal,
it's not just about achieving the million subscribers,
or 10 million subscribers or whatever it is,
it's not just about achieving that revenue target
that you guys have or whatever your big goal is,
somebody's gone out and done it
and you haven't so you're jealous of them,
or somebody has that car and you don't
so you're jealous of them.
It's not about achieving that goal,
for me, I think what helps,
for me it's about the climb, it's about the process.
I look up to a Les Brown in the public speaking field,
I think he's one of the best of the best
especially young Les Brown,
and I admire that and I want to learn to get better.
I don't want to be Les Brown,
I need to be the best version of me,
but I like the climb,
I like working on
how do I get better, and better, and better,
and not just being jealous about reaching the objective
cause I want to do the work, like I like the work.
And so there's nothing that anybody has
that I am jealous of.
And so jealousy doesn't really play into my life.
I think it really, again, comes back to
enjoying the process of getting better,
enjoying the growth.
And if you can focus on that,
and not so much the outcome
then you're not going to really be jealous.
So I think depending on
what kind of jealousy you're dealing with,
other people being jealous of you
or you being jealous of other people
hopefully you've got some solutions today
that can help you be less jealous
and focus on the important things in life.
So thank you guys so much for watching.
I made this video because PDogB asked me to
so if there's a topic you'd like me to cover
in the next edition of Believe Life
leave it down in the comments below
and I'll see what I can do.
I'd also love to know what did you think about this video?
What lesson did you learn from these videos
that you can apply to your life or to your business
I'd love to hear from you.
And is there a strategy you have
on how to deal with jealousy
that maybe we didn't cover
leave it down in the comments below.
Help out Believe Nation,
do a public good,
I'd love to hear from you.
Finally, I wanted to give a quick shout out
to Minnie C Riley, Minnie thank you so much
for picking up a copy of my book, Your One Word,
as well as Amy's Vlog Like a Boss,
I love it, make sure to read mine first,
I love Amy, but you got to read mine first,
thank you for the love,
thank you for the support.
So thank you guys so much for watching,
I believe in you,
I hope you continue to believe in yourself
and whatever your one word is.
Much love, have an amazing day,
and I'll see you soon.
- Always remember to serve others on your way up.
You know, be humble and grateful for what you have,
but don't forget to also be social with that.
A lot of jealousy or the negativity that comes at us
is because people think that
we're narcissistic, we're in it for ourselves,
that we don't care about anybody else,
or they're jealous and they're real insecure
that we'll leave them, that they'll get left behind,
so they say these weird comments,
but what they're really saying is please don't leave.
What they're really saying is,
don't become somebody who's all about the success,
or the money or the fame or the wealth or the accolades
or the statues or whatever it is right.
They want to know that you're still human,
and the best way to demonstrate that
and the most needed thing you need to do is
you continue to succeed is reach out and help those others
who are on the same path of life
maybe just a few yards behind ya,
help lift 'em up.
As Booker T. Washington taught us
there's two ways to exert strength,
one is pushing down and the other is pulling up.
So pull some people up, help people, offer a guiding hand,
give, donate, serve, volunteer,
still be out among people serving and helping.
Don't become one of those people
who becomes lost in the Hollywood Hills
all by yourself just thinking about your own self
staring at your belly button all day
thinking how self important you are.
Be that person who's still out there
helping, guiding, serving, supporting,
championing other people, because you know what,
you could always hate people,
but it's hard to hate somebody who's a champion of others.
So you be the champion of others
and soon those negative voices,
those jealous people,
they'll deal with their own stuff,
and if they don't, ignore 'em.
If they don't, keep getting better.
If they don't, remember your dream.
If they don't, and they just need your love
then be there for them,
but realize you must stay on your path
regardless of jealousy.