Mark: Seven surprising mistakes that you might be
making in the bedroom to turn men off. I'm here with Caitlin V, a top sex coach from
here in Chicago, host of the Oral Love Podcast. Today, we're talking about the mistakes that
women make in the bedroom that they don't even know they're making. And the reason I
brought Caitlin in, Caitlin's actually a friend of mutual friend of ours, Jason Silver who
introduced us and you were telling me you work only with men and they come to you with
these fears, these anxieties, and you get to hear about all the little mistakes that
women make and you're like, "Oh, why is she doing that?" We've got the top seven for you
today, and they're not the cliche normal ones.
Mark: The first one is the old feminine compliments. Caitlin, I laughed at this one.
Caitlin V: Yeah, we hear men all the time. Men complaining to me about the words that women
use to describe them in bed. Like, "you're cute. That's adorable."
Men do not, men would like to be complimented for sure, but they do not want to be complimented
using the words that women like to be complimented.
Mark: It actually has the reverse effect. I remember
my girlfriend used to go, "you're really cute, Mark." I'd be like, "Don't call me cute,"
I'd throw her against the wall to try and get back my masculinity. But when she's doing
it like with, without it being joking, you're like...mmm
Caitlin V: shouldn't be doing it like in bed or around sex, right? Like yeah,
Mark: that's so sensitive. The second one is about too much silence. You had a crazy story on this.
Caitlin V: Yeah. I mean a lot of women don't make enough noise, right?
Like we have two images, women that are screaming and like faking and too
much noise. Right. And no one wants that either. But some women are very silent, very much
in their head during sex, and they don't actually speak or make any noise at all. Like I've
had male clients complain about their wives and partners being dead silent and not even
even heavy breathing like no "ah," no grunts, no nothing.
Mark: Just nothing?! You're like, "Whoa, I'm failing." That's what a guy says. I've clearly failed
Caitlin V: Men need feedback. Like they need to know
that what they're doing is working and like breathing heavy, making little grunts and
noises are a great way to let him know like that feels good and this is working.
Mark: And you can sound in little ways. Just like
little things to begin with. If you, if you haven't done that before, if you're trying
to own that side, you start small.
Caitlin V: Yeah. And some women are really uncomfortable
with like making noise and speaking, right? And we're not talking here about dirty talk.
It can be as simple as heavy breathing, making little ahhs and oohhs and yes, that's it.
Mark: As you connect to your body, that should come naturally, right?
Caitlin V: Yeah. Yeah.
Mark: The third one is subtle, and I laughed at
this as well because it's this, it is so subtle and the women don't even realize they're doing
it. Subtle remarks about timing.
Caitlin V: Uhumm...Yeah. So I work with many who have performance anxiety, right?
And one of the ways that that challenges them is that anxiety around sex.
And usually what ends up happening is that they reach orgasm too quickly. Some of the
snide remarks that I've heard from my clients are like, "Wow, that got heated quickly or
Ooh, you got excited fast." Oooooh, even if that's the case, you don't have to say it. He's already
thinking it and all it does is damage his confidence to approach you the next time.
Or maybe there won't even be a next time.
Mark: Oh so true. Number four is giving feedback in the wrong manner.
So this kind of, there's two ways, and in the way I think of this is
if a woman's saying, "Don't do that, you're doing it wrong," you're very much like the
message is you're incompetent, I'm incompetent.
Caitlin V: Yeah.
Mark: Which is like the biggest turn off and the biggest, no man wants to throw you in the bed
when he's feeling incompetent, like just don't go together. So how can they give?
What's a great, better way to,
Caitlin V: Hmm. I think it's a positive reinforcement,
right? "It feels good when you _____, I really like it when you_____. "
Mark: "I love it when you_____."
Caitlin V: That felt really good when you did that. Right.
And like giving language to exactly what it is that you liked. And if you do have to give
some feedback that's a bit negative and it can't be reframed, starting with a compliment,
giving that feedback and then ending with another compliment
Mark: Along the similar lines of, of too silent
is, is too inactive, is just no physical movement. The old starfish.
Caitlin V: Oh, so yeah,
Mark: What was your client's story?
Caitlin V: I have, I've had a client who, um, whose wife
was very demanding about their sex life, like really wanted him to perform, wanted him to
be good, wanted him to bring her to orgasm,
Mark: You will show up for me, sir!
Caitlin V: Yeah, basically shamed him when he couldn't bring
her to orgasm. Like forget that she'd never even masturbated herself to orgasm, right?
But she would literally not move. She just would lay there and expect him to do all of
the work. And yeah, it's not only a confidence killer, but a huge turn off.
Mark: It actually sucks in all seriousness.
We want someone, cause I think women go, well, I don't want to be, be too controlling,
which is actually going to talk about that in a moment. But the opposite is, is not,
it's not about playing dead, right. It's, it's responding. I think with the sounds and
with the actions to your body and entering the experience.
Caitlin V: Feeling like a flow with him, letting him
lead that, but it's like dancing, you know? Just because you are being led doesn't mean
that you're just limp on the dance floor.
Mark: He's carrying you around on the floor. There's a fireman carrier on the floor. That's not very, very fun.
Number six, too controlling too much of the opposite.
Caitlin V: Yeah, exactly the opposite. Like really taking
that leadership right? The dancing metaphor is perfect because if you're both struggling
to be in control, that's like the more masculine role and if you're not letting him be the masculine lead...
Mark: It kills the polarity, right? It kills the attraction.
Caitlin V: And makes it very neutral, then it's more like you're wrestling with your friends than you're having sex
with your lover.
Mark: Men don't want to confuse wrestling their buddy with having sex with you.
Caitlin V: Nope. Nope. Nope.
Mark: Number seven is after play. We talked a lot about foreplay, but you don't think about after play so much
and obviously women, you do hear well, you want more cuddles, you want more connection in after play.
Um, what mistakes, what are the subtle mistakes women make in after play?
Caitlin V: I think assuming that men don't also want attention and care and caressing and touch after sex.
Sex is a vulnerable action, not just for women, but also for men. You know, if they've put themselves out there,
they're doing their best. They're trying to please and or you to not give any compliments or stroke his ego
or even just like...
Mark: just like appreciation,
Caitlin V: give him some like light touches, you know, whatever he likes.
Mark: Some loving in his way.
Caitlin V: Appreciation, compliments like.
Mark: Appreciation and compliments in after play, so important.
Caitlin V: Not just before, not just during, but after as well. Yeah.
Mark: I love that. Yeah. I've never had that put that way before. That is brilliant!
Hey you can check out Caitlin V on her YouTube channel.
That's C. A. I. L. T. I. N. V. Right? Did I get it right?
Caitlin V: C. A. I T. L. I. N
Mark: I almost got it right. We'll put the link
above here, anyway, so you won't get it wrong. Don't forget to leave your comment below.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. What do you think of this topic? Do you have another thing
that maybe you've noticed you did once you're like, "Oh, I shouldn't have done that, "or a
friend did. I love to hear it. Put it in the space below. Share your story. Don't be shy.
We're all friends here. Hit the thumbs up button and the big red subscribe button
as well with the little bell. Caitlin, thanks for coming in!
Caitlin V: Thank you so much for having me today!
Mark: It has been a pleasure. I really enjoyed that. We'll see you in the next video very soon.
Bloopers [Beep sound]
Mark: I'm here in Chicago with a sex coach case. uhhh Caitlin V,
Mark: Caitlin is a sex coach here in Toronto. You're a sex scientist for a long time.
Caitlin V: Chicago...
Caitlin V: We're here in North America.
Caitlin V: Yeees! [Clapping sound]
Mark: Before you turn it off. Before you turn it off. Caitlin, we have a very Australian challenge for you.
Caitlin V: Oh God. I saw that there was not just one
but two jars. You brought them with you or you didn't, never tried it,
Mark: so Caitlin, brought with me Vegemite very Aussie.
You have to eat it slowly and then if you really enjoy, just take them all.
Caitlin V: Wow. Okay. Oh wow. It gets real salty. The more you take, real quick.
Mark You can't take it away.
Caitlin V: I'll give it like one below soy sauce.
Mark: What do you give soy sauce?
Caitlin V: Four?
Mark: That's a three. That's our highest score so far.
Caitlin V: Oh really? Oh!
Mark: That's fantastic!
Caitlin V: Thank you for sharing your Aussie traditions with me.
Mark: My pleasure, thanks for coming in. That was fun.