'Fan out!' 'Moving'
'Looks like Skeletor got here before us.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Everything comes to he who waits.’
This week, Dolph Lundgren describes his penis.
‘It’s this large, it has lights on it.’
When I watched 1987’s Masters of the Universe as a kid,
I was aghast by how little it had to do with the cartoon I loved.
‘I wish I’d never seen that damn thing.’
Now as, slightly older man, I no longer judge it by its resemblance to what was,
let’s face it, a 30 minute toy commercial, but by its quality as a film.
‘It was terrible.’
I remain aghast but, surprisingly, for many of the same reasons.
‘This is really weird huh?’
This was the most expensive feature from the notorious Cannon films
and the one which bankrupted them, with help from Superman 4 Quest for Peace,
which we have also reviewed. You’d know that if you subscribed.
Musclebound warrior He-Man is played by Dolph Lundgren,
his accent battling his acting for a share of the blame.
‘Let her go’
While Skeletor is played by Frank Langella
‘I am Skeletor’
Who is at least enjoying himself,
‘Throw down your weapons or you die.’
Eternia is in turmoil.
Skeletor has taken Castle Greyskull, presumably killing original characters Battlecat, Orko
Mekanek, Ram Man and anyone else beyond the movie’s budget,
'Can you feel this.'
and taking prisoner the powerful sorceress.
‘When the moon reaches its zenith, the great eye will open and all the powers of Greyskull will be mine.’
So He Man has to stop Skeletor within a certain time,
with help from Man at Arms, Teela and inventor Gwildor.
‘I call it the cosmic key.’
I call it a plot device and when the rescue attempt goes wrong Gwildor’s key gets them out,
leaving Skeletor victorious.
‘I must possess all or I possess nothing.'
The whole film is predicated on the idea that omnipotence is not enough for Skeletor,
he wants He-Man and wants him before becoming omnipotent because,
I don’t know, after that the challenge would just be gone.
Meanwhile…
‘We could be anywhere.’
It’s earth. It’s always earth.
'Mooooo,'
'What a hideous cry.'
That’s where it really lost me as a child,
because what is He-Man doing on earth?
‘When we find the key Gildor will set the coordinate for Greyskull.’
'We'll use the element of surprise...'
'Sure, we will drop right into the throne room, fights off Skeletors crack troops...'
'break into the forcefield and free the Sorceress.'
'Right.'
Well he’s looking for the cosmic key,
which they dropped en-route and which has been picked up by humans Kevin,
played by Star Trek Voyager’s Robert Duncan McNeil
and Julie, played by Courtney Cox.
‘Kevin, these are my Friends!’
#Friends Sting#
They’ve picked up the key because, naturally, it doubles as a musical instrument,
‘This is one of those new Japanese synthesisers.’
and Kevin is a wannabe musician.
#Kinda crappy keyboard music, not suitable for a dance.#
‘What do you think?’
With the help of their new human friends...
#Friends Sting#
The Eternians fight off the best Skeltor can send.
‘I have selected your finest warriors’
No wonder you keep losing.
Although neither side is a great shot.
You’d think this would excite some local interest but they’ve landed in the quietest town in America,
occupied by two teens, one cop and a music store owner,
‘Reminds me of invasion of the bodsnatchers?’
which version?
Skeletor shows up to finish the job,
and it all goes wrong when Julie gets in the way,
'He Man, it's a trap!'
and ends up with badly barked shin when Skeletor uses his force lightning.
Skeletor takes He Man prisoner and abandons the rest on earth.
'Let them rot.'
Very bad news for Julie because the lightning has poisoned her leg,
‘The poisons already in her blood’
and only the sorceress can save her. But...
‘The tones that were stored in this cosmic key were completely erased.’
It sounds like Bill and Ted but this expects to be taken seriously.
Luckily,
‘If I hear a tune a couple of times and I usually remember it.’
A skill possessed by only 4 or 5 billion people on planet earth.
Back in Eternia, Skeletor’s masterplan comes good,
‘Now I, Skeltor am Master of the Universe’
And...
‘I am a god’
I bet you kill He Man now.
Even gods make dumb-ass mistakes.
With He Man free...
‘Let this be our final battle.’
Yes, please let it.
And Skeletor dies as he lived...
like Emperor Palpatine.
There’s a lot wrong with this film, only the cop can hit anything,
the sword fights are shot in extreme close up to avoid the expense of stunt doubles
and its sense of humour is pitiful.
‘Native clothing – lots of it’
‘Ha, ha, ha’
But, as I implied, the big problems do relate to what was changed from the cartoon;
there’s no reason for He Man to visit earth other than budget,
‘We’ve come this far, we’re not about to give up till they get home’
It contributes nothing.
More importantly, with his alter ego Prince Adam discarded,
He Man has no personal story and little to do.
He’s the lead character, but he’s just the muscle,
Julie and Kevin have clumsily ham-fisted personal stories to do with her parents and his musical ambitions.
‘Why didn’t you tell me you were a songmaker?’
Skeletor has a story arc and so does Evil Lyn,
although it is mostly communicated in looks
and actress Meg Foster gets the Dark Corners Peter Cushing Award for giving an acting performance in a film that really didn’t warrant one.
'He must not get that key.'
He Man is not a sophisticated story, it’s just about a hero,
but in this film, I would argue, he isn’t the hero.
That’s a really elementary error.
‘Noooo!’
Also, where’s the original theme tune?
'I have the power!'
Thanks for watching. For more Cannon film reviews click here.
What big screen adaptations of small screen favourites have let you down?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Skelator, it's over.'
'Even Gods make dumb ass mistakes and.... shit.'
'Thank you, come again.'