we have to talk about last night.
The Iowa Caucus.
After a year of waiting, after all that buildup,
people
And guess what? Donald Trump didn't win!
(cheering, applause)
Yeah!
But Ted Cruz did!
(audience groaning)
Oh. I thought that you guys would be happy about that. Huh.
Uh, and also, uh, Bernie Sanders won!
-(cheering, applause) -Yeah.
But not as much as Hillary Clinton!
(cheering, applause)
It's such a weird thing.
So, they both won and he sort of didn't,
and I guess they award it to her,
which means she can lose in November to Ted Cruz.
That's what that means, I think.
But I've got to say, American elections are super fun.
This was my first time watching the Iowa Caucus,
and I have to say, after hearing about how sophisticated
American democracy is, it was nice to see the process
for the first time, because...
wow.
They just did last call for the ballots.
Look, they stuffed them all into these popcorn baskets.
I can't tell you how exciting this is.
We're watching them count.
They're doing it very deliberately.
They're kind of pausing to let each other,
you know, register the count.
How obsessed are Americans with food?
-(laughter) -You put your votes in popcorn containers?
And why do you have popcorn containers just lying around?
What the hell's going on?
At what point do you admit that you have a problem?
I don't understand. Also, look at that.
Like, they're just writing down votes
on a piece of paper, and that's it.
The fate of the free world relies entirely
on one guy not sneezing-- that's all you're hoping for.
It's like... (sneezes) Ah, Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz, I guess.
Last night was an epic event, uh, you know?
A great night for the Democrats, because they were treated
to not one, but two victory speeches.
So, as I stand here tonight...
breathing a big sigh of relief-- thank you, Iowa!
(cheering)
What Iowa has begun tonight
is a political revolution.
(cheering)
Whoo!
(laughter, applause)
Watch out, people!
Party Bernie is on the loose!
Whoo!
Can see him singing afterwards at the after-party.
(like Sanders): ♪ I can't feel my face when I'm with you! ♪
And I'm gonna see a neuroscientist about this.
Something's wrong. I think it's a condition.
So, it was technically tied.
But in the end, Hillary was narrowly awarded the win.
And I mean really, really narrowly.
It was so close in several precincts,
here's how they had to decide the winner.
NEWSWOMAN:
had to be determined by a coin toss.
(coin clacking)
-MAN: Tails. -WOMAN: Tails.
MAN: Hillary.
-Hillary Clinton. -(cheering)
(laughter)
Bernie was right.
I guess money
(laughter, whooping)
-It's crazy to me. -(applause)
It's insane... that part of such a big process
is decided the same way Americans decide
who gets to kick first in the Super Bowl.
It's just, like... like, at least have them roll the dice.
That's what I was thinking. Make it interesting.
Wouldn't it be fun to see, like, Hillary with the dice,
just being like, "Come on, no snake eyes, no snake eyes,
come on, no snake eyes!"
So, on the numbers, Hillary won and Bernie lost
in Iowa-- that's what they say.
But just like in the alphabet, numbers don't mean (bleep).
NEWSMAN:
the winner today by the Iowa Democratic Party.
It's hard to call it a win, certainly, for Hillary Clinton,
who was up by so much, uh, you know, for so long.
NEWSMAN:
A tie was a win for Bernie Sanders last night in Iowa...
Bernie Sanders won this.
He won it with momentum moving forward.
What? He lost, but he won it with momentum moving forward?
That sounds like something my uncle says
when he plays the lottery.
"Yeah, Trevor, I didn't pick the right numbers.
But now I have the momentum moving forward!"
(laughter)
The Democratic race last night was so close
that some news outlets didn't even report it as a Hillary win
until the next day-- but that didn't stop Hillary
from prematurely declaring herself the winner.
The Clinton campaign, an official is telling me
they are declaring victory over Bernie Sanders.
He says it is close-- obviously,
we don't have the numbers to back it up.
-(laughter) -That is not cool, Hillary.
You can't just call yourself the Iowa Caucus winner
before the results are in.
It's not like riding shotgun.
Only 82% of the votes were even in.
It sounded like Hillary just pulled an Ariana Grande
and licked all the ballots, like, eh-eh-eh...
Well, my saliva's on these, so they're mine!
And I'll tell you what, Hillary could learn a thing or two
about class and humility.
And she could learn that...
-from Donald Trump. -(audience groaning)
We finished second, and I want to tell you something--
I'm just honored, I'm really honored.
And I want to congratulate Ted,
and I want to congratulate all of the incredible candidates...
I want to thank all of the folks that worked with us.
We had a great team, and we will continue to have a great team.
And we're just so happy with the way everything worked out.
You-you were waiting for the joke, weren't you?
-(laughter) -Yeah, there's no joke.
Donald Trump was gracious in defeat.
And all of us were waiting for the big meltdown.
It was like watching a porn
where the guy actually fixes the plumbing and then leaves.
(laughter)
So with Trump not making a spectacle of himself,
all that was left to do on the Republican side
was watch Ted Cruz's long-ass victory speech,
which is
-(laughter) -Seriously.
In fact, I've heard it said, long after the Apocalypse
there will be only two things remaining:
cockroaches and Ted Cruz's speech.
And then the cockroaches will kill themselves
-because (bleep) that. -(laughter)
But I must be fair-- there were a few highlights
in Ted Cruz's speech.
For example, he revealed the real secret of his success.
Tonight...
is a victory for courageous conservatives across Iowa
and all across this great nation.
You want to know what scares...
the Washington cartel?
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Cruz! You! You!
Actually, not remotely.
I don't scare them in the tiniest bit.
What scares them is you.
(whooping, cheering)
(laughter)
Well, Cruz is right.
Look at it this way.
I'm scared of Michael Myers from the
But if there was a room of people
that
-(laughter) -I'd be way more afraid of those people.
(applause)
(whooping)
Ted Cruz wasn't all about fear,
he also showed gratitude to his maker.
And to my dad, a man who came from Cuba...
I love you, Dad.
Which is why when I'm president
it's gonna be so hard for me to deport you...
and all your friends.
NOAH:
who thought his third-place finish
earned him a victory speech.
For months they told us we had no chance.
They told us because we offered too much optimism
in a time of anger we had no chance.
Because... my hair wasn't gray enough
and my boots were too high.
(laughs) Oh, I... I don't think they said that,
because, you know, I don't know
if that's
I mean, I think it was because you only show up to work
about two-thirds of the time, and also,
you've missed more votes than any other senator,
and you tried to pass immigration reform
but then bailed on it once it got really tough,
and then you pretend that you never did,
and also, you used the GOP credit card
to spend 20 grand on personal expenses,
but... but yeah, probably your boots didn't help.
Yeah, that's... that's probably what it is.