Ah, beautiful day.
The sky is blue, the birds are singing,
and the baby's outside on the ground by himself.
Hey, what is this, a set up? Where's the parents?
Well, dangerous criminals, we've been asking the same thing.
♪ Where Were The Parents? ♪
I will never understand why Didi
continues to trust Grandpa Lou with her child.
Sure, sure, go on. Take an old man for granted.
I mean, he's proven he's not the most attentive baby sitter.
Take a nap and keep us both out of trouble.
But she walks out the door and neither of them close it.
They just leave it wide open.
Even if you don't have a baby in the house this is weird, right? I mean,
there's no screen, you're just letting all the bugs in.
So Lou's asleep in like five seconds, which is the perfect time for Tommy
to play with a favorite toy of his, pliers.
That's right, this toddler is hiding a pair of pliers under his teddy bear,
and listen to the sound they make.
That's metal, folks, meaning those are real pliers,
which Tommy uses to break out of his minimum security play pen.
So he tunnels out the open door and outside, where these two kidnappers
are waiting to strike.
That must be the joint right there.
And these guys have an address written down on a piece of paper.
And by address, I mean these two digits,
no street name, no zip code, nothing. Just two digits
printed in the center of a full sheet of paper.
I mean, you couldn't just memorize that?
Say, it don't look like no millionaire's mansion.
So to no one's surprise, they get the wrong house
but they snatch Tommy thinking he's the son of a millionaire,
named Ronald Thump.
Dear Ronald Thump...
Yeah, so they speed away and-- wait.
Back it up here, a little more, a little more, stop.
Their license plate is BRGLRS.
You're telling me that these guys are driving with a license plate
that basically says 'burglars'?
Anyway, to get Tommy to stop crying, they just give him a banana
because this guy read it in a book called "Baby A Peel".
Is this entire book just about babies and bananas?
A pay close attention here, what's wrong with this picture?
They're driving backwards.
No seriously, watch the buildings out the window.
They're going the wrong way.
Is this some crazy method to disorient their infant kidnapping victims?
Or are these guys really that incompetent?
So, after a series of terrible attempts to quiet Tommy down,
they finally realize that he just wanted his ball.
But after a short trek up the stairs to their apartment--
It's only two more floors.
Tommy drops the ball and they wonder why he's crying again.
What now?
Uh, hello? Remember the ball from like 30 seconds ago?
Anyway, the criminals leave Tommy alone.
But at least when he runs off, these guys actually notice he's missing.
Hey, where'd he go?
Which is more than we can say for certain other adults.
Next, all kinds of chaos ensues.
Tommy throws the stolen jewels in the toilet,
and while the kidnappers argue over who's going to fish them out,
- one of them says... - I did it last time.
I'm sorry, how often do you guys drop priceless jewels into the toilet?
Then Tommy activates what I can only assume is some sort of
powerful, military-grade, experimental vacuum cleaner.
I mean, how else could a vacuum do this?
Or this? Or this?
But this is where things get intense.
The kidnappers worry that Tommy is gonna fall out the window,
so to stop him, they both dive at him.
And when I say 'dive', I mean simultaneous, fully airborne,
head-first dives straight out the freaking window.
Even if they had got to Tommy in time, how would this have been helpful?
Remember that they are completely airborne, so they can't stop themselves.
These are two fully grown men throwing the full force of
their entire body weight at a toddler.
And remember when they said this?
It's only two more floors.
Two more floors, and they've already climbed at least one,
meaning they just jumped out of a window on the third story or higher.
They just come running back up the stairs.
They don't even talk about what just happened.
One of you call an ambulance. Your bodies are in shock.
So after proving too incompetent to handle this one year-old,
but probably still more competent than his parents,
they eagerly return Tommy to Stu.
And Stu reacts with an unenthusiastic...
Who were those guys?
OK, come on!
These two dangerous looking men show up at your front door
holding your own baby, and you're not gonna call the police or anything?
You're just gonna act mildly interested and go back to your day?
Look, we get it. Parenting is not an easy job,
so we'll cut you a break this time, Stu.
But next time, how about a little more enthusiasm or something?
♪ Where Were The Parents? ♪