The Internet is completely destroying our society.
No, it really is.
Fifty years ago, if you enjoyed something that the majority of society deemed to suck,
you had to deal with that yourself.
You drew the curtain, you enjoyed it in private.
Which is as it should be.
If you enjoyed something that sucked, you at least realized...that you were the weird
one.
You at least felt enough shame to keep that crap behind closed doors.
Now?
Oh, f*ck.
Start up a fansite.
Sign up for a forum.
Go on the Internet, where a bunch of other weirdos can coddle you.
Tell you how, they're the weirdos, not us.
They're the weird ones.
For not liking Rolo To The Rescue, for the SEGA Genesis.
This freaking game has fan sites.
Get the f*ck out of here, Internet.
Look, I'm gonna be honest here, and tell you...I can't remember a video game that has ever
made me hate video games more than this video game.
That's because Rolo To The Rescue offends me on multiple levels.
It has me entirely surrounded.
It's like this game is rising sea levels, and I'm Miami.
I got nowhere to go, and it's seeping up all around me.
So hey, Rolo To The Rescue, is a platformer about a fat little f*ckng elephant.
And he has a variety of animals friends, in cages.
And he has to save them, because the circus is evil.
Let me tell you something—circus peanuts.
The disgusting marshmallows, the orange ones?
That's the only evil thing to ever come from the circus.
That and Rolo To The Rescue.
But hey!
It's just a cute little platformer.
I bet it'd be a great choice for my kids.
Yeah, about as great as circus peanuts.
Honestly, I don't even know why they sell those.
So problem one with this game, is that it's not a kid's game at all.
And if it thinks it is...well, Rolo...I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
What we have here is one of the most needlessly, pointlessly...ridiculously...difficult video
games, that I have ever seen targeted for kids.
In fact, you know what?
F*ck that.
This game is difficult for me.
There are 70 levels in this disregard for human dignity, and the thing is...the first
one?
Takes you, like, ten seconds to finish.
Seriously, it's stupid easy.
But just a few levels later, Rolo cranks things up.
Because why not?
I mean, it is a kids game.
That's a bunny.
Or is it?
What's the significance?
I DON'T KNOW.
And it's not even, just...oh, this game is challenging.
Like, in a genuine way.
It's not just a challenging game.
It's a cheap game.
Like these goddamn limbs.
They don't even catch you half the time, because the hit detection's so weird and the jumping's
so stiff.
But it's cool, no biggie.
You just fall about eight thousand feet and do it over again.
Because, you know, what kid doesn't like that?
And guess what?
Oh, you finally get past this crazy bullsh*t, but then you die?
Oh, guess what, children?
There's no save function.
Yeah, that's right.
Just like real life.
You can't respawn at the top of the sliding board.
If you fall off, that's it.
It's over.
Climb up from the bottom.
Pull your bootstraps.
And don't leave the yard.
This game never lets you leave the yard.
Continuing the "holy crap, why is this game so hard?"
theme, each level has several hidden exits, and secrets you can find...but why?
Why do that?
And at least in a game like Super Mario World...it's like, you can see on your map that, hey, there
might be a secret there.
In this game, it's every secret for himself.
There could be a secret here, there could be a secret there.
Hey, children.
Find the invisible goddamn holes.
I mean, is this, or is this not, a game about sleeping beavers?
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
And it's, like...there's actually kind of a cool mechanic here.
So the animals you save, you can actually play as, like a tag team.
And each one has different abilities.
That's kind of cool.
But the level design is so convoluted and crazy, it just drives you crazy.
Like, every cool thing this game does...it does something awful to negate.
Like, oh, it's not a bad-looking game!
Going down hills is like insta-death.
Oh, cool!
You unlock areas on the map like a puzzle.
This music makes me want to die.
Listen, I have no rooting interest in this.
The truth is, our friend Ahmed sent this to us, from Springfield, New Jersey.
And someone thought it'd be funny to put it on my desk.
I'm a man of peace, and truth.
I'm the man who's never told a lie.
And what I'm telling you now...is that this game represents man's greatest sin.
Some day, in the future, some cyborg will write a book about this game.
And guess what.
He'll quote me.
Take that, Internet.
It's Rolo To The Rescue, for the SEGA Genesis.