hey friends ~ welcome back
hope everyone's having a beautiful weekend.. day..
whenever you watch this
so today we're gonna talk about something that you guys seemed really excited about..
when I kind of alluded to this a few weeks ago
which is about relationships and being single
and how to be happy while you're single
and overcoming heartbreak and all that good stuff
for this specific video, I thought I'd get into about 7 tips or just like the 7 processes
of how I personally got over heartbreak 4 years ago
and how it took me about 3-4 years..
for me to get to where I am to fully embrace what it means to be alone
and what it means to just be happy and content and good..
actually great on your own
so a little context.. I've been single for about 4 years now
this wasn't like a deliberate thing
I didn't set out to be single and like not date for 4 years
it was more of a - I'm gonna work on myself until I meet someone else
because I've been in a..
I've been in two relationships spanning a total of about 7 years
they're pretty much back-to-back
heartbreak never really is an easy thing but if you can learn from it then..
it's actually a really really beautiful thing
because it's always darkest before dawn
and before I go on more and ramble more..
let's just get started with this video
again, these tips were kind of in the order of how..
it's like the little nuggets of wisdom I enlightened to along the way
that helped me get to where I am today
so it kind of happened in that order
I tried to make it in that order as much as possible
so the first thing is..
"two mediocrities never make one great company"
this is actually a quote from one of my favorite business books called "Good To Great"
if two "meh" companies merged and become one company..
two mediocre things cannot make a great thing
and when I read this around the time when..
it was like the first time I broke up with my ex
and then didn't know if we're gonna get back together
and then I wanted to get back together
and then we did end up kind of getting back together
but like we didn't make it official
so I'm sure many of you guys can relate to what I just said
that like forever dancing in the gray zone area
I remember reading 'Good To Great'
this was around 2014 and I was just like dude that is so true
two "okay" people aren't going to come together and become a great couple
and I think that's what I thought for most of my youth up until my early 20s
it doesn't matter if I'm not okay..
but as long as I have someone.. they'll make things okay for me
and that's very unrealistic and I guess kind of irresponsible because..
you're putting a lot of expectations and a lot of pressure on someone else..
when you being "okay" should be like an internal self thing
that was the first thing that I learned
you know no matter how much you love someone
and no matter how much they love you
if you guys both aren't at a good place mentally, physically..
whatever in your career..
like if you're not grounded in who you are and what's important to you..
it doesn't really matter how great your significant other is
it doesn't really matter how much they love you
because at the end of the day
if you don't know yourself and if you don't love yourself..
nothing else is really gonna matter
I owe it to myself and I owe it to my future significant other, to my future husband..
that I spend this time that I have working on myself to figure out myself
and to be the best that I can be
assuming that he's doing the same thing wherever he is right now
I have no idea where he is but like wherever he is..
he's doing it too so that when two great people come together..
you help each other propel to become like even better versions of yourself
but that comes at the foundation of you're already trying to do that on your own
"Greatness is not a function of circumstances."
"Greatness, it turns out, is largely a matter of conscious choice and discipline."
so at the end of the day.. it really comes down to ourselves
it really comes down to our thoughts
it really comes down to our intentions
and like what we want to do and what we want to see happen
for ourselves and for our future selves
the second thing is your "person" does not need to be your significant other
when I say "person" it's like.. I like having my person
I like having a person
I like knowing that I have someone there for me
regardless if they're physically there if they're whatever
I just like knowing I have a person
I convinced myself again throughout my youth and throughout my early 20s..
that my "person" had to be my significant other..
and when I let go of this really odd notion my whole world just opened up
and my whole world completely changed because..
I realized my "person" can be my parents
my "person" can be my family.. my cousins
my "person" can be my friends
my "person" could be anyone
ultimately the most important thing was that I realized my "person" can be myself
like I can be my own person
and when I realized that I was like..
~ whoaaaa this is wildd ~
the person that I've been waiting for my whole life
the person that I've been looking for like..
the "best friend" I've always wanted
the boyfriend that I've always wanted
the person who would take care of me
that is me... like..
~ hellooo ~
this whole time I was looking outside
I was looking externally for this thing to fill this void in my heart and in my soul
and this whole time I've been sitting right here right where I am
and this isn't to say that your person can't be your significant other
I feel like your person should be your significant other
but the main takeaway is that your person can be multiple people
and that your person can be yourself
👍👍
so the third thing is to..
take time to make sense with why things happen the way they did
so one of my favorite quotes in the book that I'm currently reading
'The Five People You Meet in Heaven' is..
"In order to move on, you must understand.."
"..why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."
breaking up with my ex..
my most recent ex that is not recent at all
it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because..
it was more about letting go of my attachments to a lot of things..
rather than letting go of him
what I mean by that is..
it had less to do with him..
I mean it has everything to do with him because he was the one..
who made me feel all these things and made me realize all of these things
but it also had nothing to do with him because it was all about me
it was all about the thoughts in my head
it was all about my thoughts and my notions and my attachments to myself..
and to how I wanted other people to perceive me
to how I wanted to live this like perfect life
and how I wanted to have the image at least of being a perfect person
so I wanted to date a perfect person which on paper my ex was
tall, good looking, good family, good school
I mean we went to the same school..
had a good job
all the things that you can check off..
on the check boxes that you want in your ideal build-a-boy kit
yeah so he had all of that
and I think another layer of it was like you know..
I think it's like a thing that girls want to do..
like if all the girls like this one guy..
you want to see if you can be the one to like get that one and lock him down
you guys know what I mean
what I realized with all of that was...
it had so much more to do with my ego and my vanity
and my attachment to being perceived a certain way
to be perceived as like this cool girl or this girl who's like..
so whatever that she gets to like.. you know be with this guy
and it had less to do about him
and I realized this is why..
I allowed myself to be in a relationship that wasn't making me happy
because if you're so attached to..
for me it was like satisfying my ego
I allowed a lot of things to slide that should have been non-negotiables
and so with all of that..
if you don't take time to reflect, to think, to process..
what happened and why things happened the way they did..
you won't really be able to move forward from it
or you really.. you won't be able to learn from it
so #3.. importance of making time to make sense of the past
so that #4.. you can try to start letting go of the past
letting go of the past has a lot to do with forgiveness
so forgiving yourself..
forgiving the things that you've done or maybe some things you've said
or maybe some things that you weren't proud of
let go isn't just like.. ugh I don't care anymore
I'm not going to think about it
letting go really is like a process where you see reality for what it is
you see your past for what it is
you thank it.. you are grateful for it..
for it to show you the things and for it to teach you all the things that you've learned
and for you to be able to move on from it..
in like a very non-emotional, peaceful, rational way
and I think that's one of the hardest things
and that's.. I think the thing that took me the longest
to really be able to identify what caused me all the pain
and why I felt all the pain
and why I no longer need to feel all the pain
so taking time to make sense of the past..
letting go of the past..
#5.. so that you can fully fully focus on yourself in the present.. in this moment
because.. it goes..
it all goes back to two mediocre companies do not make a great company
and the importance of self-care
the importance taking care of yourself
the importance of learning about who you are..
learning about the things you are passionate about..
learning about what moves you, learning about what drives you..
learning about what wakes you up in the morning
what makes you want to get up in the morning
I just hit my lamp
so many things for us to learn and discover about ourselves
and I think a really great question to ask yourself is..
are you you arrr..
~ arrh arh rawr arrror arour ~
are you your own best friend
it's the saying that you need to be your own best friend before you can be someone else's best friend
and I think this is relevant in a platonic sense and a romantic sense..
where you really need to know who you are..
before you can be really good in a relationship with anyone else
so another quote from 'Good To Great'..
"When what you are deeply passionate about, what you can be the best in the world at.."
"..and what drives your economic engine come together.."
"..not only does your work move toward greatness, but so does your life"
"For, in the end, it is impossible to have a great life unless it is a meaningful life."
"And it is very difficult to have a meaningful life without meaningful work."
"Perhaps, then, you might gain that rare tranquility that comes from knowing that.."
"..you've had a hand in creating something of intrinsic excellence that makes a contribution."
"Indeed, you might even gain the deepest of all satisfactions..."
"..knowing that your short time here on earth has been well spent, and that it mattered."
by focusing on yourself, by focusing on your work..
by focusing on your own life is so important because meaning, right?
like meaning in life, meaning in work, knowing what's important to you..
knowing what's meaningful to you and doing that
taking time to focus on yourself..
taking time to figure out what's important to you..
is so so so important because..
that quote to me is what it means to live a meaningful life
and many people don't because it's so easy to settle for good
for a good life rather than a great life
#6 is to make the best of this "alone" time
so I say "alone" because if you think being alone is a terrible thing..
and it's the worst thing in the world
and you hate being alone in your own thoughts and just being by yourself..
then you're gonna have a really hard time coping with being alone
but if you see being alone through a different lens..
through a different light, through a different perspective of how..
so this is something that I learned..
when I was in Taiwan taking care of my grandpa in 2014 right after I graduated
I realized that as a child you grow up and when you grow up..
you have maybe a few years in your 20s to just really be by yourself
you get married and you have children..
and then you spend 18-20 years raising this child to become an adult
you have maybe another 2, 3, 4, 5 years for yourself..
to kind of like figure out what you want to do
and this is generally the time where you have a mid-life crisis
where you're like okay..
my purpose and my existence of being for the past 18-20 years has just left the nest
my child, you know, is off being an adult
so like who am I and what do I do with myself
and then you have a few years to figure this out
and then your parents start getting old
then you start having to take care of your parents
and it just never really ends
when I realized this in 2014..
I was like okay.. if this is my future..
if I only have these next few years to figure out who I am and to work on myself
then I should not take it for granted
and like I should take this alone time as something so precious
because when a kid comes out.. you don't have something called "alone time"
so I think it's so important to embrace the beauty and the privilege..
of having this time for ourselves.. for myself..
for yourself to do the things that we want to do
to figure out who we are and what's important to us
and to try all the things we want to try
go to the places we want to go to, travel to, to eat things..
to start the companies you want to start
to start a YouTube channel
to do anything that you want to do because this is the time to do it
like there's no better time to do all the things you want to do
*clap clap clap*
so yeah I think just having time...
it's so.. so.. .
like it really is a privilege
and I think when you learn to appreciate that time..
time in general and time for yourself..
beautiful things will happen
and the 7th thing is follow the course of nature
trust in yourself trust.. in the mighty forces..
just have faith in yourself, have faith in the universe, have faith in God..
that things will happen when they're supposed happened
because I really realized and found that when I fight and chase something..
be it a relationship.. be it anything..
I will probably have to spend the coming months and the coming years..
fighting for it and chasing it
and fighting for something like that and chasing something like that is so tiring
and for me it got too tiring
I was fighting for my ego..
and I was chasing this status and chasing this image or this..
yeah this image of myself that's just so silly
and I'm at a place now where I realize the most important thing that I can do right now..
and the only thing that's fully in my control..
*???*
I look like a.. like a.. like a fly they're like..
*Rowena the fly*
the only thing that I have in my full control is myself
working on myself, working on bettering myself..
working on figuring out who I am and what's important to me
and what I want to do, the person I wanna be
so that when the person is placed in front of me or when our..
~crah.. craths pahss~ *struggling*
when our paths cross..
it's just two great people being great together
ya so the past 4 years just kind of flew by with me being not in a relationship
and I think I'm just at a point in my life right now where..
I am so aware of who I am.. the good and the bad
and I'm so aware of the person that..
I'm so aware of my values and what's important to me so that it's..
it's not that it's hard to find someone who shares the same values but like it's pretty hard
I don't think many people share..
would share the same values as me
the more you get to know yourself..
the more you will know the kind of relationship that you want to be in
and the kind of person you will want to be in a relationship with
and I think that comes with being realistic that..
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
it might not..
like your pool maybe has dwindled to like a very small pool
and that that's completely okay
and I think that's where trust and faith comes in..
because I don't feel like I'm 100% in control of my life
because there's someone greater up there watching out for me and looking out for me
and that everything is beautifully arranged and beautifully planned out
so that I don't need to freak out day-to-day about like..
why am I single? why am I still single??
time is ticking... I don't have time..
follow the course of nature, trust yourself..
do the things you want to do because you want to do it
not because you feel like you have to
or not because you feel like there's some sort of a pressure to do certain things
or to have any sort of timeline
because you don't really want to force anything and you don't really want to settle
I mean we're really lucky that we have a choice to choose..
because a lot of our parents didn't and a lot of people might not be able to
I think that's just one thing that I just realized as I was saying this..
ya I think maybe like #7.2 is gratitude
just being grateful that we get to stress about significant others
because in other countries or even in parts of the U.S.
if your day-to-day is struggling with..
like roof over your head and food in your stomach..
you won't be able to think about these things
so yeah.. I think gratitude at the end of the day is such a powerful thing
life and existence and being alive and the opportunities that we're given
and the chances..
the life that we live..
the fact that you can watch me through your phone..
or through a computer screen.. or through your tablet..
means that we're all very lucky and that we're all very blessed
and this ending just went like a whoooop ~
buttuh yes.. I hope you guys enjoyed this video
let me know in the comments below if you guys have any follow-up questions
or if there's specific things you want me to talk about because
this is probably part one of the art of being alone but not lonely
so I didn't really talk about the alone part
but I think this is like the start of a series of like relationship type videos
okay
that was me doing a little dancing hug with you guys
maybe
alrightyy
~ virtual hug ~
~ voice hug ~
all the hugs okay
baiii ~
uhkay, baii ~