- Do you know what channel I love?
My own, I love it.
You know what channel I (clown horn) hate?
"5-Minute Crafts", I rage-watch the shit out of that.
I can't stop watching it,
my watch hours for "5-Minute Crafts" are huge
and I'm all over it on TikTok.
There's just something about it that pisses me off
or maybe because it's not five minutes,
or crafts, or the hacks aren't even any good.
So, my wonderful assistant Phoebe,
has compiled some great five minute crafts
and I'm just now gonna watch them.
Why, I don't know why I was British for that split second
(Phoebe laugh) and then we're gonna do them.
So, let's have a look at the ones she wants me to do.
(Whoosh)
So we open with a hitchhiker, picking up a hitchhiker
and then having sex with him, already love this.
Let's do it, let's recreate.
Okay, this is a sponsored post, Pepsi.
Please tell me the hack's using the seatbelt
as a bottle open opener.
It's opening a bottle in the car,
that's called drink driving,
what drinks have bottle caps on them?
Apart from if you live in Vaucluse
and you buy a glass bottle of Coca Cola,
I'll have mine with a cap on it, dumb!
Anyway, let's try it and then do we just insert us doing it?
(Whoosh) Hi, welcome to my ride, I have a drink for you.
Let me open it for you.
Uh, before you get in.
Just give me a second.
(Whispers) Sorry about this.
(grunts)
Ow, I really hurt my thumb!
Just give me a second sir, I'm so sorry about this.
Here's your cold beveragino.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, my god. Ow!
Look, I cut myself...
fuck!
What are you supposed to do?
- [Ben] Put it in like that, and then
- [Christian] Oh, and then? Okay, why don't you do it?
Oh, that's what I thought, you piece of shit!
Oh, are you struggling there? Oh, yeah oh.
- [Ben] This is your video, you do it!
- [Christian] (can spray) Did it!
Well, it's sort of open.
Oh, that is delicious!
Like it's open. I got it open.
Okay, let's move on to the next dumb hack. (Whoosh)
(Sighs) Alright, balloon, making water balloon bomb thingies
hand cream over a balloon, she's going to shelve it.
You want me to shelve a balloon? Okay, hot glue on balloon.
First of all, why is the balloon not popping?
That is searing hot glue and then she's making
what looks like a spiderweb.
Ooh, that's kind of cute!
Is that it? Or no, is this.
Oh, it's a fancy light!
I actually really like that, that's a good one.
I never thought I'd say that about a 5-Minute Craft.
Okay, So let's get a hot glue gun
and make that. Cut away to that.
(Whoosh) Oh, I hate balloons. Do I tie it? Yeah we do.
Done! (Gasps) Don't pop it!
(feminine voice) Hey Ben, how you going? You good? (laughs)
This feels really good, what do I do with that?
Ow!
Just moisturizing my leg.
(Gagging)
I (horn) hate this so much. I don't like it, are we done?
- [Phoebe] You have to do the other side.
- [Ben] Do the whole thing.
- [Christian] No, no I don't wanna do it.
- [Phoebe] Yeah, why can't-
- [Christian] Don't touch it!
Who would ever make this stupid, shitty candle shit.
(Gagging)
I just hate balloons so, I hate balloons so much.
(Gagging)
Ow! It's still hot! Oh, It's slipping! It's slipping!
Wow! (Gasps) That actually looks sick!
That actually looks sick, I don't like that I love this.
This is so dumb,
but it's so pretty.
It looks really good, I hate that I love it.
Magical dreaming yeah, magical dreaming.
Dreaming dreaming dreaming. Magical times,
dreams. Dreaming dreaming dreaming dreaming
dreaming, next video! Oh yeah, next video.
(Whoosh)
It's really (quack) dragging on.
Okay, so squishing two lipsticks together.
That's the most (horn) disgusting thing I've ever seen,
What was that!?
What was that? Wouldn't you just
put one on and then get the other one
and just dab dab dab,
- [Phoebe] Yes!
- [Christian] But maybe she's like, a school teacher
and is constantly sleeping through the alarm
so it's like, I don't have time to put on two lipsticks!
I can't wait to try this.
(playful melody)
Oh yes. Here we go. Look that, that's perfect.
It's gonna look so amazing Ben,
I'm gonna be like so beautiful. Okay, ready?
Oh my god, I'm late for work!
If only I had 2 lipstick colors, I do!
Bye honey!
Kisses!
(Smooches)
(Whoosh) Okay, it's a watermelon one, yes! (Gasps)
Oh, that was quick.
(Wheezing) It's literally,
I thought that video went for so much longer, It's just like
Hi, can I have that watermelon?
And then she's like, Oh no,
I've accidentally put the window up.
Now we can each have half a watermelon.
I cannot wait to either smash my car window doing that,
or get sticky juice.
There's already a lot of sticky juice in my car.
(Phoebe laughs)
This is the hack that I'm most excited to do.
Good luck to my car.
Ben, do you want a piece of watermelon?
- [Ben] Sure, Christian.
- Oh no, how am I going to possibly cut this?
It's really heavy,
I'm worried it's going to shatter the window.
Can you get a knife?
I'll just make a little incision.
This is really heavy.
(car horn tooting) (Christian laughing)
It's really heavy.
Oh, I'm gonna injure myself.
I don't want to do this one, here you go.
(Gags) The window automatically went down.
I really want this to work so badly.
The power window is obviously sensing it's stuck
and it's coming back down automatically.
(Laughing) This only works if you precut the watermelon.
Okay Ben, here you go. Here's half a watermelon for you.
(Gasps)
(Laughing) It's so close!
(Laughing) Watermelon in my car.
Can you get me the knife?
Aw, it's just watermelon everywhere.
We're almost there, we're almost there, we're almost.
I just wanted to do the last little bit.
Here you go! Here we go, here we go.
Here you go Ben, a freshly chopped watermelon
and my car is drenched in watermelon.
(Laughing) It's just like... Aw, god damn it.
(Whoosh) Okay. A marshmallow and a testicle balloon.
Oh my God, this is amazing.
Okay,
He's clearly- Oh my God he's homosexual
and he's squeezing testicles under the di, oh my God.
Oh my God, there is so much in that small video.
He's like, "My girlfriend's ugly".
And then he's fondling testicles under the desk
to be like this is how I get through being heterosexual.
Is that a euphemism for like I need to
relieve some stress from my balls?
I'm so sorry.
Oops, out comes some white marshmallows. (Laughs)
This is one of the most amazing
"5-Minute Crafts" I've ever seen.
So much just happening at once.
I'm so sorry but like, if you look at his face,
he's like, that's right, keep yelling at me, I get it
and then he's jerking off a balloon under the table.
Good. Well, let's do it.
(Whoosh) So, Phoebe bought a heart shaped balloon
for Valentine's day that she didn't use
and when you go like that with it, that is 100%.
Okay well, when you get kicked in the balls
that's what they look like, it's really testicly.
Oh look, an already open and half eaten
packet of marshmallows, I wonder who did that, Ben?
- [Ben] Phoebe.
- Don't blame her I walked in on you eating them.
Oh, this is going to take me forever.
I already really hate this, they call this
in the gay community sounding.
It's where you shove something down
the eye of your penis. I haven't done it,
but like I think you get to a point
where like normal sex is boring
so it's like hmm, let's spice things up,
let me shove something down my dick hole.
Where's that five minute craft?
Oh, I think it's full, I just put
all my testicles under the desk.
- [Ben] Hey Christian. I've just
got some important stuff that I need to show you,
is that alright if you come in?
- Oh, you can show me whatever you want Ben.
Oh Ben, yeah? What, what do you need to show me?
- [Ben] Oh, Um ...
- Is this really awkward for you?
- [Ben] A little bit, how does it feel? That, your bus?
- It feels nothing like testicles,
the real things a lot better, so.
No, don't. Don't, Ben! That's so inappropriate Ben.
(Whoosh) Okay, woman in pool. Oh, no!
I don't have an umbrella.
Oh, come on!
(Wheezes)
Like that's what a hat does, a broad brim hat.
This is why I just get so annoyed,
cause there's already things invented for this purpose.
I'm not going to do that one. (Whoosh)
(Playful music) It's gonna hurt.
This is actually kinda clever.
(Grunts)
I made it too low.
Are we surprised by this outcome?
Singing in the rain. Oh, it's stabbing me into my back.
Ah! Help me, no ah!
(Whoosh) That was testing out 5-Minute Crafts.
Wow, we really learned a lot today.
To be fair, we haven't actually tested them
at the point of recording this so
that could have gone really well or really bad
and if you want to see more,
then that's your fault really? Isn't it, it's not mine.
So, (quack) you.
Click on the things in this video
to watch more of the things and now,
Ben will edit a mustache, I've already got a mustache.
He'll just edit one in.
Try and get it on my face, Ben! Mustache, whoo!
He didn't, oh there it is.