-After the melodrama over the suspected
Chinese spy balloon a week ago,
the U.S. has now shot down three more unidentified objects
over North America that, the White House said,
pose very real threats to air traffic,
leading to wild speculation
about what those objects could be
and, of course, criticism from Republicans,
like Marjorie Taylor Greene.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
Okay, guys, something very weird is going on
[ Laughter ] and, no, I'm not talking
about those ads for Jesus during the Super Bowl.
[ Laughter ]
Jesus doesn't need to advertise
[ Laughter ] during the Super Bowl.
The guy gave one sermon,
on a mount, 2,000 years ago
and everybody's still talking about it.
[ Laughter ]
You know who should charge
$7 million for a 30-second spot?
Mounts.
[ Laughter ]
Also, please don't tell --
[ Laughter ]
Also, please don't tell me
Jesus was advertising his new streaming service
because I'm not sure I can afford to get Messiah+
[ Laughter and applause ] while, at the same time,
I'm worried that I can't afford not to.
[ Laughter ] Now -- Plus, now is not a good time
to launch a new streamer, especially since you're going
to have to compete with Satan's streaming service,
Tubi. Only [ Laughter ]
the devil himself
would think it's a good idea to spend millions of dollars
to trick me into thinking I sat on my remote.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Incidentally, the group that ran those Jesus ads is tied
to efforts to curb LGBTQ rights and ban medication abortion,
so, I guess, when they say...
the "us" has a big old asterisk on it.
[ Laughter ] Anyway, the weird thing that's been happening is
the skies over America are suddenly turning
into that carnival game Balloon Pop.
[ Laughter ] Three mysterious objects have been identified and shot down
over North American airspace in as many days
and officials have many more theories
than answers about what's going on.
-The U.S. military shooting down
three mysterious flying objects in just three days
and now the White House is under growing pressure
to answer some basic questions --
what are they, where do they come from,
were these Chinese spy drones or something else?
-U.S. officials described it as an...
and its...
While it wasn't considered a military threat,
the Pentagon says it had...
...and a top general says they're considering all options.
-Not even the pilots, apparently,
were really able to identify what they saw.
Those pilots, we have learned,
have given very conflicting accounts
of what they actually experienced,
with some pilots saying that the object interfered
with the plane's sensors;
other pilots saying that they didn't really experience that;
other pilots saying that, when they looked at the object,
they could identify no identifiable propulsion system.
-Okay, wait, I'm sorry. It was octagonal,
it had strings hanging off it,
[ Laughter ] it it had no identifiable propulsion system,
and it interfered with the plane's sensors?
That sounds like what a stoner who didn't see a UFO...
[ Laughter ]
...would describe it as.
[ Laughter ]
"There were strings."
[ Laughter ]
As far as I can tell, there are three possibilities here --
it's a foreign adversary spying on us, it's aliens,
or there's a dude in Montana with a remote control
in his hands, absolutely [bleep] his pants right now.
[ Laughter ] "Hey, honey, you have fun flying your new drone?"
Actually, dear, I realized that you were right
and it is a dumb hobby, so, I sold it.
I sold it last week, in fact.
Also, if anyone from the FBI knocks on the door,
tell them you saw aliens in the sky!
[ Laughter and applause ]
The details of what pilots have seen in the skies
above North America are just downright bizarre.
For example...
I swear to God, if this is a viral marketing campaign
[ Laughter ] for a Herbie the Love Bug reboot,
I am going to be psyched!
[ Laughter ]
I love me some Herbie.
Sue me.
[ Laughter ] But I actually think
the Volkswagen comparison is a good thing.
There's no better sign aliens come in peace
than showing up in a Volkswagen Bug.
[ Laughter ] They're probably hippie aliens and long white ponytails.
[ Laughter ] And, if we talked to them, they'd say --
[ Surfer voice ] Hey, man, we're here to teach you a new way to make water.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But do we listen? No!
We just blow them out of the sky
while they utter their final words --
[ Surfer voice ] Bummer, man!
[ Laughter ]
We were going to bring the glaciers back.
[ Laughter ]
In fact, the Air Force general who's in charge of NORAD,
the military organization
that protects American and Canadian skies,
specifically, would not rule out aliens when directly asked.
-"Thanks"?
[ Laughter ]
Who -- I'm sorry, the general in charge
of North American Aerospace Defense
says there might be aliens flying above us
and there are just no follow-up questions?
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, some people are saying
that the aliens are here and they intend
to enslave us underground and steal our women.
I'm not ruling anything out."
Cool. Thanks!
[ Laughter ]
That's how exhausted journalists are
from the past eight years of nonstop crisis --
psychotic president, attempted coup,
land war in Europe, and a global pandemic.
We hear about aliens and we're all just like,
"Alright, well, let us know if the situation changes.
[ Laughter and applause ]
How much time we'd have to evacuate and whatnot.
I mean, sure would like it to make it to the season finale
of "Love Island" before the old
wah wah wah wah, pkkkh!"
[ Laughter ]
Now, it turns out there's actually
a much more mundane potential explanation
for why we're suddenly finding more random stuff
floating in the skies above us.
After the Chinese spy balloon,
the military basically widened their antenna
to identify more objects than they usually would.
According to The Washington Post...
"Also, if you're thinking about buying a car,
maybe wait a few weeks because, based on what these objects
turn out to be, our roads may be obliterated."
[ Laughter ]
Thanks!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Although, personally, I would like to know
why are there filters, in the first place?
Shouldn't NORAD be able to detect abnormal objects
with surveillance capabilities?
How many of these have we missed, so far?
I mean, on one hand, the explanation is a relief.
On the other hand, it feels like they're saying,
"Don't freak out about this.
They've been in the skies forever.
We just didn't notice them.
Be they from China or outer space, one thing is clear --
they know every single [bleep] thing about us by now."
[ Laughter ]
So, obviously, it seems like there are, very likely,
some less dramatic explanations for the strange activity.
NORAD widened its filters,
so, it's just detecting more air traffic than usual.
Or maybe it's a foreign adversary spying on us
in the way that all global superpowers spy on each other.
And maybe it's aliens. I mean, it can't be a coincidence
this happened the same week
Senator Rick Scott was in the news...
[ Laughter ]
...for trying to cut Social Security.
[ Changes voice ] Mother ship, I need a distraction.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Release the Volkswagens.
[ Laughter ]
But I got to say -- I never thought I would say this --
This is one time I kind of wish Donald Trump
was still president, just for like one hour,
[ Laughter ] because, if it was aliens, he would blurt it out instantly.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, can you imagine the tweet?
Everyone'd be like, "Is it Russia? Is it China?"
And Trump would be like...
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter and applause ] Also, I would give --
I would give anything
to hear Donald Trump say the word extraterrestrial.
[ Laughter ] He'd do that thing where he says it wrong
and, instead of correcting himself,
he would just say it right, like both are acceptable.
[ As Trump ] The viderers -- the visitors
[ Laughter ] are extraterrustrial
and extraterrestrial.
[ Laughter and applause ]
If aliens are here and we're [bleep], either way,
[ Laughter ] just give me --
just give me the Trump speech.
[ As Trump ] Good evening, my fellow Americans --
although, we won't be Americans for long, I can't imagine.
I can't imagine maps are going to be much --
mean much in a couple of hours.
[ Laughter ]
I come to you tonight to say we've made contact
with some extra-- Ooh.
Extra bad guys.
[ Laughter and applause ]
They're from space.
They're extra bad
and they're not like "Star Wars" aliens.
And I would know, because I visited Skywalker Ranch.
[ Laughter ] 1982, I was with George Lucas
and his little trash can, R2-MeToo.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And this very little guy came up to me,
walking up to me, tough guy, strong guy,
[ Laughter ] tears pouring down his furry face,
and he said to me -- I said -- I'll never forget what he said.
He said, "Mr. Trump, sir, yub nub."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Today, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre
declared that it is almost certainly not aliens.
-There is no -- again, no indication of aliens
or extraterrestrial activity
[ Laughter ] with these recent takedowns.
-Okay, but that's definitely what the White House would say
in a movie about an alien invasion.
[ Laughter ] Thirty minutes later, cut to Joe Biden
personally fighting an alien on the roof of the White House.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It would give Biden a chance to utter one
of those iconic movie president lines.
[ As Biden ] Get off my stairs!
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Surfer voice ] Hey, man! Cut it out!
[ Laughter ]
We were trying to bring back the polar bears.
[ Laughter ]
So, the U.S. Air Force has shot down
three identified objects in as many days,
which, by the way, was exactly what Republicans demanded
when the Chinese spy balloon floated
across American airspace for a few days.
They wanted it shot down immediately.
So, I guess, now that Biden is taking their advice,
they're going to line up to congratulate him.
And I'm just kidding. They're whining, yet again.
[ Laughter ] -The American people have seen Joe Biden
in the first two years.
He has failed to secure the southern border.
Now, they're beginning to get concerned
that he can't secure our airspace.
-It's a whole bunch of radio silence,
tap dancing, and equivocation from the Biden administration.
You know, we shouldn't be surprised.
Things have been a disaster
since they took control two years ago.
-This administration is refusing
to say what is happening.
What are these objects? What are these crafts?
Who is directing them? How are they getting here?
What is their mission?
-I think it shows our lack of transparency
by this administration. You know, the first balloon,
they shot down after it had
transversed our entire country.
They claimed it was for safety.
And, obviously, they could've dropped the thing in Montana.
They would --
They're more likely to hit some guy
with a mullet and a tank top on Myrtle Beach
[ Laughter ] than they were to hit somebody in Montana.
[ Laughter ] -Alright, first of all,
if a guy with a mullet and a tank top on Myrtle Beach
did get hit with a UFO,
I'm pretty sure that dude would be [bleep] thrilled.
[ Laughter ]
[ Southern accent ] Whoa! All my exes
are finally gonna believe me!
[ Laughter ] Hey, Barbara, it's Jared.
Yo, did you see me on the news?!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Who's laughing now, Barbara?
[ Laughter ]
Why is Stephen Miller on TV
talking about this, or any subject?
He sounds like the guy from the sci-fi movie
who would be in the Oval Office,
telling the president to nuke the aliens immediately,
while a bunch of scientists beg for more time.
[ As Miller ] We must nuke this unidentified aircraft immediately,
in order to establish American sovereignty
and superiority over our airspace.
"Sir, we're pretty sure it's just a birthday balloon.
It has a Paw Patrol on it."
[ Laughter ] We must show the Paw Patrol
that they are not the law in this country. We are!
[ Laughter ] The White House held a briefing to offer more details today.
But I will say, I wouldn't mind
hearing a little more from Biden.
When he was asked at the White House
about the object shot down over Alaska,
this is all he had to say.
[ Laughter ] That's it?
Can you give us a little more info?
Unidentified objects are getting shot down in the skies
above the U.S., like a game of Duck Hunt,
and Biden's playing it close to the vest,
like a grandpa at a family reunion
when grandma's recounting how they met.
"You know, your grandfather was
quite the Casanova back in the day.
He took me out to Lovers' Cliff in his Stingray."
[ As Biden ] Hey! That's not for them to hear.
Let's just say
it was a success.
[ Laughter ]
The lack of concrete information has left a vacuum
for conspiracy nuts to run wild.
For example, over the weekend,
Earth's Marjorie Taylor Greene
[ Laughter ] listed off a bunch of insane hypotheticals
for what could've been inside the Chinese spy balloon
and recounted yelling at military officials
during a congressional briefing about it.
-You sat by and allowed this Chinese spy balloon,
that could've contained -Yep.
-a bioweapon, like COVID. -That's right.
-It could've contained a nuclear bomb,
an EMP attack, or hypersonic missiles.
I said, "You allowed this to go across the country
and then you want to stand up here
and give us our excuses --
your excuses -- on why you didn't shoot it down
because you're gathering intelligence
or you didn't want to risk endangering anyone's lives?"
I said, "That is the biggest bunch of bull[bleep]."
-Yeah! The balloon could've contained a nuclear bomb,
which is why you should've shot a missile at it!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Everyone knows that's how you safely disarm a nuclear weapon
directly above a densely populated area.
[ Laughter ]
Missiles cancel out nuclear bombs,
just like the reverse card in UNO.
[ Laughter and applause ]
What else does she think
could've been inside this balloon?
[ As Greene ] There could've been bioweapons,
missiles, a nuclear weapon; or, even worse,
a bunch of middle school textbooks
that teach accurate history!
[ Laughter and applause ]
So, it's a mysterious situation.
We don't have any details.
There's a bunch of possible explanations.
It's obviously quite unlikely that it's aliens,
although, if it is aliens,
Republicans want them shot down immediately,
even if it means they land on a farm in Montana,
in the middle of a...
-Bunch of bull[bleep].
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]