-Our next guest can be seen
on his nationwide stand-up tour,
that includes a night
at the Vivint Arena in Salt Lake City --
an Arena, oh, my goodness, how fun --
November 24th.
Please welcome the very funny Ryan Hamilton!
[ The Roots playing funk ] [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
-Thank you. Thank you.
Hi. You're not going to believe this.
I'm from Idaho.
[ Cheering and applause ] Maybe you do believe that.
[ Laughter ]
It's strange.
That's enough to get a laugh in New York City, really.
[ Laughter ] It doesn't really register here, you know?
It's just people go, right now, are looking at me, going,
"This guy from Iowa is pretty interesting."
[ Laughter ] That's how it is. I love this city,
but it's not my default setting, you know?
There's a rhythm to this city
that I have to get into and I can feel it coming.
My chest starts to tighten up, my thoughts start to whirl.
It's like I'm getting into double Dutch.
[ Laughter and applause ] I can feel it.
It's like, "I'm going to New York.
[ Laughter ] I'm going to New York.
I'm in New York. I'm in New York.
[ Laughter and applause ] Don't touch me.
[ Cheering ]
I don't have any money. I don't have any money.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hold the door, please. Hold the door.
[ Laughter and applause ]
This is a two-bedroom? Are you out of your mind?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
But make no mistake -- this is an improvisational city.
I mean, you leave your house and you're scatting, you know?
[ Laughter ] Subway's down, Uber's surging.
I'm running.
[ Laughter ]
This is the only city you go, "I guess I'm going to run."
[ Laughter ] I don't know.
It's just another mode of transportation.
[ Laughter ] People just run here, you know?
And people get it.
"What happened?" I ran 40 blocks.
People go, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I had to run yesterday.
Isn't it terrible?"
[ Laughter ]
I saw a guy running on the George Washington Bridge
and not an exercise guy... [ Laughter ]
...a suit guy, just running.
[ Laughter ]
If you see an exercise guy on a bridge,
you think, "That guy is ambitious."
But if you see a suit guy running --
just about anywhere, but especially on a bridge --
you think, "That guy's in trouble."
[ Laughter ]
Where are you in your life that you're in a suit and you go,
"I'm on the wrong side of the river!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Oh, no!
Not again!"
[ Cheering and applause ]
I think that guy's dead. I don't know.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I saw a guy on the subway holding a Citi Bike
and I can't stop thinking about that guy.
[ Laughter ]
I was just looking at him like,
"I don't know where you're going,
but I know there's a better way to get there.
I know."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, if you don't know, Citi Bikes are these free bikes
we have around the city that you pay for.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You know them.
He was on public transportation
and holding public transportation.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It was so perplexing, you know?
What are you doing? Did you pay twice?
[ Laughter ] I don't understand.
It's very strange because we all
make our travel plan in the morning, you know?
Like I'm going to take this down and transfer there.
And this guy had to be like...
[ Laughter ]
..."I'm overwhelmed. I don't know.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I think I'm just going to pick up the bike first, you know?
[ Laughter ] I don't want to be
the only guy out there without a bike, you know?
[ Laughter ] And then I'll just take it down there with me.
And once you get it down there, you got to bring it back up.
[ Laughter ] And then maybe I can get an Uber
and put it in the back of the Uber, something like that. [ Laughter ]
I just want to get somewhere
where I can ride this thing, you know?
[ Laughter ] Been paying for it all day long.
[ Laughter ]
This is a tough city to get around.
You ever give someone directions in New York City
and then, two blocks later, just go...
[ Laughter ]
..."Oh, no. [ Laughter and applause ]
I think I killed that foreign family.
[ Laughter and applause ]
They are so dead and there's nothing I can do."
[ Laughter ] I just want to call 911
and be like, "I'm so sorry.
There's this family
and I sent them west at Port Authority
[ Laughter and applause ] and all they wanted was cheesecake
and now, I can't sleep."
[ Laughter ]
My family's concerned about me out here
and they should be.
[ Laughter ] If you're a criminal
and you see me walking around,
your thought is, "It's going to be a good day."
[ Laughter ] That's what you think.
"I'm going to hit my quota early and clock out, you know?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Criminal half day.
[ Laughter ]
Like if I was ever on the phone
with my father, walking around the city,
he'd always go, "Son, where's your wallet?
Put your wallet in your front pocket."
That was my dad's plan to foil New York City's criminals.
[ Laughter ]
Just to switch my wallet
over into the unexpected pocket you know?
[ Laughter ] I don't know how this plays out,
if you get held up, you know?
it's like, "I hope they don't come around.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I can't believe I'm getting away with it right now.
[ Laughter and applause ]
My father's going to be so proud."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Where's the wallet, man?! Where's the --"
[ Snickers ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
I mean --
[ Cheering ]
This guy has no clue!
What a rube, huh? [ Laughter ]
I guess he's never been to Idaho before.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
I'm Ryan Hamilton.
Thank you very much.
[ Whistling ]
-Oh, my gosh!
Thank you so much.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Ryan Hamilton!
That's how you do it right there.
For more info, go to ryanhamiltonlive.com.
We'll be right back.
Oh, my gosh!