( APPLAUSE )
"THE LATE SHOW." IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF
THE YEAR, WHEN PARENTS ALL OVER THE NATION HAVE TO SAY, HEY,
SIRI, "WHAT THE HELL ARE L .O.L. DOGS?"
AND, "HOW ARE THEY SOLD OUT IF I JUST LEARNED OF THEIR
EXISTENCE?" AND SOME PEOPLE LOVE TO GIVE
HOLIDAY CARDS. BUT EVEN THE BEST CHRISTMAS
CARDS DON'T NAIL IT ON THE FIRST TRY, SO TONIGHT WE'LL TAKE A
LOOK AT SOME OF THE EARLY ATTEMPTS IN OUR SEGMENT:
"FIRST DRAFTS." >> NO, NO!
STUPID! >> Stephen: AS ALWAYS, I NEED A
LITTLE HELP, AND AS ALWAYS, I HAVE THE BEST POSSIBLE SANTA'S
HELPER, MY WIFE, EVIE. EVIE, MY DARLING.
THERE YOU GO. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
YOU LOOK LOVELY. >> THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> HI! >> Stephen: THIS IS SO NICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> I KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO TELL
ME I HAVE LIPSTICK ON MY MOUTH. THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, EVIE, MERRY CHRISTMAS, MY
DARLING. >> MERRY CHRISTMAS!
>> Stephen: I HAVE GOT SOME EGGNOG HERE.
>> I DON'T LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: YOU DON'T DO DAIRY
"P" I GOT YOU MOUNTAIN DEW CODE RED.
A LITTLE BRANDY IN BOTH. >> IS THIS REALITY MOUNTAIN DEW?
>> IT IS. YOU DON'T DO DAIRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET YOU. IT'S RED FOR THE SEASON.
IT'S THE SAME COLOR AS SANTA. >> OKAY, GREAT.
>> Stephen: CHEERS. >> THAT LOOKS GROSS.
>> Stephen: I DON'T CARE HOW IT LOOKS.
IT TASTES LIKE CHEER.
>> I DO. >> Stephen: YOU'RE AN OLD
VETERAN. >> OH, PRO.
>> Stephen: OF THIS. >> WE'VE COME A LONG WAY SINCE
LAST CHRISTMAS WHEN WE DID THIS IN THE TINY ROOM.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THIS IS MUCH MORE FUN.
>> MUCH MORE FUN. >> Stephen: SO YOU HAVE THE
CARDS RIGHT THERE. TO REMIND EVERYBODY HERE,
IN "FIRST DRAFTS," I SHOW YOU A CHRISTMAS CARD THAT SOLD IN
STORES, AND THEN YOU WILL GIVE ME THE NEXT CARD.
THE NOT-SO-GOOD FIRST DRAFT. >> GOT IF.
>> Stephen: HAS THE PREMISE BEEN ESTABLISHED?
MAY I HAVE THE FIRST CARD, PLEASE.
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS, "CHRISTMAS IS FOR SPENDING TIME WITH THE
PEOPLE YOU LOVE. TIDINGS OF JOY TO ONE OF MY
FAVORITES!" THAT'S LOVELY.
>> VERY SWEET. >> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT
SAID, "CHRISTMAS IS FOR SPENDING TIME WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE...
SO LET'S JUST CATCH UP IN JANUARY?"
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S HONEST. NOW, WE-- I HAVEN'T ASKED FOR IT
YET. WE SET UP OUR CHRISTMAS TREE.
>> WE DID. >> Stephen: THIS WEEKEND.
>> YUP. >> Stephen: AND WE TOYED WITH
THE IDEA OF NOT BRIEFLY. >> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WE'RE EMPTY NESTERS NOW.
>> AND THERE WAS NO ONE HOME TO DECORATE IT.
BUT MARY -- >> Stephen: MY SISTER CAME IN.
AND WE GOT EACH OTHER VERY ILL. >> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YES, THAT IS THE GIFT OF THE MAJI, I THINK.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU BETTER? YOU FEEL BETTER.
>> Stephen: I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER THAT PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW I WAS SICK. BUT THANK YOU.
>> VERY SICK. >> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO
GIVE ANY DESCRIPTIONS OF HOW SICK I WAS.
>> THERE WERE TEARS. >> Stephen: THERE WERE ACTUAL
TEARS AND PRAYING FOR DEATH.
YOU WERE LIKE A LITTLE BOY-- "WILL I EVER FEEL BETTER?"
>> Stephen: I BELIEVE AT ONE POINT I SAID, "PLEASE DON'T
LEAVE THE ROOM, BUT ALSO DO NOT TALK TO ME."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YOU JUST NEEDED TO BE PRESENT.
>> THAT'S YOU IN A NUTSHELL WHEN YOU'RE NOT FEELING WELL.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ME EXACTLY. WE'LL PROBABLY CUT THIS ENTIRE
STORY OUT. NONE OF THIS WILL MAKE IT TO
AIR. MAY I HAVE THE NEXT ONE PLEASE.
>> YES. >> Stephen: THIS ONE SAYS,
"FELIZ NAVIDAD! WISHING YOU A FANTASTICO HOLIDAY!"
VERY NICE. VERY, VERY NICE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "FELIZ NAVIDAD...
IS AS FAR AS I GOT ON DUOLINGO. MUCHO SORRY."
( APPLAUSE )
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?
BECAUSE I HAVE NOT GONE SHOPPING FOR YOU AND COULD YOU GIVE ME A
HINT OF WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?
>> NO. JUST FAMILY.
TOGETHER. WONDERFUL, YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY
AROUND THE TABLE FOR DINNER WOULD BE FUN.
>> Audience: OOOO"OO! >> Stephen: I WOULD LIKE A
CAR.
BOY. >> Stephen: EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
OR A HESS TRUCK. ONE OF THOSE HESS TRUCKS WOULD
BE FUN. THOSE ARE COOL.
>> DO THEY STILL MAKE THOSE? >> Stephen: THEY DO!
THIS YEAR IT'S GOT A JET IN IT! IT HAS THE THING.
>> 10 TO 15 YEARS IN A ROW. >> Stephen: BUT WE DON'T HAVE
THIS YEAR'S. NO, WE DON'T.
IT HAS A JET IN IT. I'LL NEVER GET OVER WANTING A
HESS TRUCK. HERE'S A CARD THAT SAYS, "THE
GREATEST GIFTS OF ALL ARE THOSE THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY...
FRIENDSHIP, PEACE AND LOVE. MERRY CHRISTMAS."
>> VERY SWEET AND TRUE. >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "THE GREATEST GIFTS OF ALL ARE THOSE
THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY... WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING,
THANKS TO ONGOING SUPPLY CHAIN ISSUES.
I WOULD DROP-KICK RUDOLPH FOR A PS5."
( APPLAUSE )
"ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS... IS YOU!"
>> EE! >> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT
SAID, "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS...
IS YOU! UNLESS YOUR BROTHER'S DIVORCE IS
FINALIZED, THEN I'M GONNA WEIGH MY OPTIONS."
THAT'S NOT VERY NICE. >> THAT'S CREEPY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY IT WAS THE FIRST DRAFT.
THAT'S WHY THEY DIDN'T SELL THAT ONE.
>> DON'T LIKE THAT ONE. HOW DO YOU LIKE MY SPARKLES.
>> Stephen: I LOVE THE SPARKLES.
THE FUNNY THING IS, IT'S SUPER SPARKLE.
>> IT DOESN'T SPARKLE -- >> Stephen: IT DOESN'T SPARKLE
AS MUCH FROM AN ANGLE BUT STRAIGHT ON IT'S A BLINDER.
YOU'RE BLINDINGLY BEAUTIFUL. >> VERY SWEET.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU LIKE MY TIE?
>> I LIKE YOUR TIE. >> Stephen: YOU DO?
IT'S THE FIRST NIGHT I'VE WORN IT.
THEY-- THEY LIKED MY TIE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
IT'S JUST A TIE. OKAY.
HERE'S ANOTHER CLASSIC: "MERRY CHRISTMAS, I SAW MOMMY
KISSING SANTA CLAUS." BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "MERRY
CHRISTMAS, I SAW MOMMY ASSURING SANTA CLAUS THAT IT HAPPENS TO
ALL GUYS AND IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF."
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT ONE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I HAVE NO REFERENCE. >> I'M NOT SAYING A WORD.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU'RE NOT. NO, YOU'RE NOT.
NO, YOU'RE NOT. NO, YOU'RE NOT.
>> HAVE A LITTLE MORE OF THIS. >> Stephen: EXACTLY, THERE YOU
GO. A LITTLE BIT OF THAT.
MMM. MMM.
>> ANNIVERSARY NICE. >> Stephen: VERY NICE.
>> THIS IS THE LAST ONE. THAT MEANS I HAVE TO LEAVE.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN STAY. YOU JUST CAN'T BE ON TV.
( LAUGHTER )
LIKE, A PARTY BECAUSE I GOT DRESSED UP.
>> Stephen: LET'S HIT THE CLUB, GIRL.
YOU AND ME AND DAVID ALAN GRIER. >> THE FOAM PIT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT THE FOAM PIT IS.
>> NOT AFTER COVID. YOU CAN'T DO THOSE KINDS OF
THINGS. >> Stephen: NO, THE FOAM IS
ANTIBACTERIAL. YOU HAVE TO STAY IN THE FOAM PIT
FOR TWO "HAPPY BIRTHDAYS." >> OH, GOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE VERY KIND. THIS ONE IS SWEET.
IT SAYS, "OUR FAMILY MAKES THIS GINGERBREAD HOUSE A GINGERBREAD
HOME... I LOVE OUR GREAT BIG
GINGERBREAD BUNCH." >> ANNIVERSARY SWEET.
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "OUR FAMILY MAKES THIS
GINGERBREAD HOUSE A GINGERBREAD HOME...
BUT MAYBE IT'S TIME WE DISCUSS GINGERBIRTH CONTROL."
THANK YOU, MY LOVE. >> YOU'RE WELCOME!
>> Stephen: MERRY CHRISTMAS. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MUSIC LEGEND STING DOING THE COLBERT
QUESTIONERT. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE )