- There's somebody I haven't talked to in over 20 years.
They found me on Facebook and sent me a DM and I didn't
remember who they were at first.
Have you ever had that happen before?
Yeah. This guy hit me up,
reminded me that he was my kitchen manager
at Chuck E. Cheese when I was 16.
(audience laughs)
Please show some proper respect.
It was weird here. I remember him now,
but he hit me up and he was like, Dude,
you're doing comedy, man. It's good to see.
Remember the good times at Chuck E. Cheese?
And I was like, no. Who is this?
Is this the kind of bots I get? What the heck?
He's getting all these great ones. I'm getting this guy.
But now I remember the first day I met him,
First job in my life, 16 years old, Chuck E. Cheese.
I was excited. I showed up.
He's the kitchen manager. They're,
he's supposed to show me how everything goes, right?
They leave me alone with him.
He goes and gets all this pizza dough out of the walk-in.
He comes out, he throws it on a table.
I'm thinking, All right,
he's gonna show me how to make pizza, right?
The famous Chuck E. Cheese pizza recipe is mine.
Let's do it.
And then he takes his pants off.
(audience laughs)
I'm 16. This is my first job.
So my initial thought was like,
maybe this is how you make pizza here. I don't know.
Let's see what he's got.
But then he jumps ass cheeks first onto the pizza dough.
(audience groans)
Yeah. And while maintaining eye contact with me,
power farted into the dough. (audience laughs)
Yeah, it was traumatic.
I can still see the flour flying up from the sides
and his face just now giving a fuck. He was just,
he saw me and he was like, This is my kind of dude.
Let me run the test by him.
Yeah, it was weird.
And without missing a beat, right after the fart,
he just goes like this.
He goes, welcome to Chuck E. Cheese, man.
I was like, What the,
is this what you guys do here? Is this a noom thing?
And I was just like, bro, kids are going to eat that.
I'm going to eat that.
Why would you mess up the dough?
And this is what he says.
He goes, bro, that oven is like 700 degrees.
It's gonna burn the fart right off, so chillax.
And he started walking towards the salads.
And I was like, oh no, you can't put those in the oven.
What are you gonna do? What about the salads, man?
I didn't know what to say.
You know, he's the kitchen manager.
He's only 17, but he is the kitchen manager.
He knows what he is doing.
So it's been over 20 years.
And this guy randomly reached out to me.
So I was just like, man, what are you up to these days?
This guy owns a bakery now. (audience laughs)
Survived the pandemic and everything.
It's called Farts Bakery. It's in Des Moines.
That's all I can tell you. It's doing well.
Every morning he wakes up and eats a can of beans
and he is like, time to make the muffins. Let's go. (laughs)
It was a traumatic experience working at Chuck E. Cheese.
I'll break you off another bonus. Chuck E. Cheese story.
I've never told anybody this, okay?
Every now and then they pull me outta the kitchen to work
as Chuck E. Cheese. And then like I go work the showroom.
Sounds like I'm a pro, like a stripper,
but it's kids and I'm just Chuck E. Cheese.
But it feels like it. See, I'm paid way less.
And these kids, they're just like so stoked to see you
when you're Chuck E., you know?
And I'm wearing that filthy costume.
I remember this kid walked in with his parents once
and they were at the front door.
I was really far in the showroom.
And from long distance the kid saw me
and he was like, Chucky!
And he just started running towards me with his arms open
and I'm ready to like embrace the impact of this hug.
And right when he hugs me,
the kid's head hits me really hard in the dick.
It was the worst pain 'cause I was already
in the middle of like going down for a hug.
So when he hit me, I like the hug, sped up.
And like the thing about the Chuck E. mask is the nose is so
long and it's made of this hard rubber and the top of this
Chunky nose hits the very top of this kid's head.
And I hear his neck go into his shoulders.
You're not supposed to hear that through the mask.
I was like, (makes crunching noise) you know,
like it was the scariest two seconds of my life
'cause I was thinking, did I just murder this child working
at Chuck E. Cheese, dressed as Chuck E.?
Chuck E.'s gonna get sued. It's 'cause of me.
So I immediately just like looked at him
and I just see he's alive. So that's good.
And then I see just tears going down his face, right?
And I see his parents in the background
and they have no idea what's happening yet.
So this is like the creepiest thing I ever done.
And I didn't even realize it until later in life.
At the moment, I'm just like,
I gotta hold onto this job, right?
So I looked at him and I said, Hey, hey, hey, hey,
you don't wanna get Chuck E. fired, do you?
(audience laughs)
I was desperate. Okay, you think I'm proud of this?
I'm not.
And he said no. I slipped a couple tokens in his pocket
and sent him on his way.
Never came back and got me. I was like, eh,
I can't believe it. It's been over 20 years.
I still think about that kid.
Someone is a grown man with just like a fucked up neck.
Just doesn't go to Chuck E. Cheese when there's a birthday
party. He's like, fuck that.
Their pizza smells like shit. (laughs)
I had another blast from the past thing happen not too long
ago. First person I ever hit in the face is back in my life.
So that's cool. Only person.
Look, I was 13 years old.
I used to hang out with a bunch of friends.
We'd go play soccer after school.
There's this one dude named Josh.
We were all cool but like at one point when we were around
13, I don't know if he was going through puberty
in a weird way or something,
but he started doing this thing.
Like if you're not paying attention during the game,
he kicks the soccer ball and makes sure it hits you
right in the dick.
That's right. Another dick getting hit story. Here we go.
And it was crazy. You know, I'd be walking home with two,
three dick shots per day 'cause we didn't know
how to deal with it. This was like our first psychopath.
We all met together. We're like, what do we do with Josh?
I don't know. And one day I just snapped.
You know, he hit me right in the dick, direct hit, and I had
to give him credit 'cause he was accurate.
It was like a laser every time.
I remember one time I heard the kick and I turned around
and I saw it going this way and I was like, whew.
And then it curved in mid air and hit me right in the dick.
I was like, he's going pro. Goddamn, it's good.
I snapped. He hit me in the dick one day and I just said,
Hey Josh, you hit me or anybody else here in the dick again.
I'm gonna kick your ass.
I didn't know what I was saying. I was 13 years old.
He was breaking my psyche, you know?
And he like apologized.
We kept playing and then I hear another kick and I turn
around, it's coming right towards me.
So I dodged it. But now everybody's looking at me 'cause
I talked all that shit, right? So I didn't even hesitate.
I went right towards him.
Put everything I had into this punch.
I made sure my strength was there.
I made sure the accuracy was there.
I lined him up real good. He was just like smirking.
And I put like everything,
I should have been a sport science on this punch I put.
And when I came down for reasons I can't explain at the last
second my hand just opened up like this.
And it just turned into the loudest bitchslap
ever in history anywhere.
It was like whack.
I remember everybody turned around, it was perfect.
I couldn't believe, you know,
like I could never describe how perfect it is.
You know when you're like high fiving people,
it doesn't matter.
But every now and then there's a perfect high five.
You just kind of look at each other for like a split second
and you're like, damn, we should hang out more.
That was rare, special.
It was like that. But with Josh's face,
I got that motherfucker.
I remember seeing like sweat fly off his head and he wasn't
even sweating before I slapped him. I was like,
I slapped sweat out of you that wasn't even out yet.
That's incredible, you know?
And when I looked at his face, it was like I could still see
my red hand print on his pale face.
And everybody was just like looking at us.
I thought he was gonna gimme credit. He was gonna go touche,
you know? But he did not.
Instead he grabbed his soccer ball and he took off running.
And I never saw Josh again in my life. This was my friend.
I was like, Was he an imaginary friend? I don't know.
Couldn't have been, my hand hurt for like a week.
I was like, where did he go?
At 13 years old, I had to deal with the fact
that I slapped somebody outta society.
I was like, wow, it's incredible.
Am I an X man? I don't know.
Is that my thing? I slap.
They call me The Slap. I don't know.
So time went by. All these years went by,
not even friends on social media.
And right before the pandemic I was doing a show in Dallas.
I look in the front and sitting at a table by himself,
adult version Josh, how terrifying is that?
I noticed him in the middle of a diarrhea joke.
And I was like, how am I gonna keep it together?
I'm a professional here.
I thought he was gonna shoot me in the middle
of my diarrhea joke. I was like, is this how it ends?
Like it would've been the worst, you know?
But I recognized him even after all these years.
It's not like he had a soccer ball and he was like,
It's revenge time, motherfucker. Let's see that dick.
You know, I recognized him 'cause he still had my hand print
on his face. It was insane. He was laughing.
Ha ha.
Every digit accounted for.
Now we talked after the show.
We're actually friends now me and Josh are cool.
He doesn't know about this joke, but he's cool.
You know, we're having a good time.
And don't feel bad about Josh 'cause here's a little update.
He showed me a picture of his family.
This dude is married to a supermodel and has 11 kids.
Yeah. And they all have my hand print on their faces.
I slapped the shit outta this guy.
I don't think you understand.
It's an inherited slap.
So we are looking back on all these people in my life.
I'm getting old. That's the thing.
I feel so old. I feel great.
But younger people make me feel so old.
It's the people in their twenties that don't get
my references and shit.
They always say the thing. They're just like,
I think that was before my time. I'm like, Oh, fuck you.
You know who Screech is. You know who Screech?
He wasn't boring. You fucking know.
This is the where it's happened to me once.
I was at the grocery store. I was a HEB not too long ago.
And there was this guy bagging my food.
And this guy looks around my age, right?
And this guy looks around my age and he goes, Hey,
excuse me sir. I'm like, Yeah, what's up?
And he goes, Are you my friend Daniel's dad?
No. What? I'm nobody's dad. What are you talking about man?
It's not like he's asking me if I'm the father of like
a baby or a child or a teenager.
He's asking me if I'm the father of another grown ass man
trying to figure life out like me.
I'm like, what are you doing man? I was in my car,
looking up the grocery store's HR department.
I was like, can I get this guy fired for this?
That's all inside stuff. You know, I'm a comedian.
I gotta react fast in every situation.
So what I actually said was like,
Are you my friend Daniel's dad? And I went, No,
but I'm fucking his mom. I'll see you later. (laughs)
That would've been awesome. I thought of it later. Damn it.
I was in the car being like I should have said
I fucked his mom.
Spread it around the school, dude.
Oh man, let me see what kind of room this is.
Is this a jack room? You guys jack off?
I don't know if this is a jack room.
I could tell. I could definitely tell.
Wearing a muscle shirt, sweating already.
He just, doing it all day.
I came to this to let my balls regenerate.
Remember how old you were?
First time you jacked off, how old?
Somebody just said 10 over there. 11.
Average age. Around 11, 12.
We've been doing this survey lately.
One guy said eight at a show and everybody just got away
from him immediately. I was like, what the fuck?
I was eight. I mean I was 12. What the fuck?
One of his arms was huge. I was like, Jesus Christ.
You guys, I'll tell you, Austin, you guys remember there was
a tornado here almost two months ago, right?
Yeah. I was terrified because all these people
were letting me know it was coming right towards my place.
And I was like, Holy shit. Right? Terrifying.
'Cause I live in apartments and everybody knows the strategy
when you live in apartments is wait to see if it kills you
or not. That's what we do.
And I was like, here we go again. (laughs)
I was nervous, man. I was so high.
I looked up on the fucking, I was like, Oh my god,
I'm gonna slowly drive to a tornado while trying to out
speed it.
I didn't know what to do. So I was just like, Yeah, fuck it,
I'll go to bed. Right?
I was just laying down, I was looking out the window.
It was very scary. There was like a thunderstorm.
Weather was very tornadic, you know?
I was like, oh no.
There was this tree by my window for seven years.
It's been there and it's never done this.
But this night it was just smacking my window nonstop.
Terrifying. And my survival instincts kick in, right?
This is the night you kind of find out what kind of person
you are. And then I just jacked off and fell asleep.
That's it. It saved my life.
Woke up the next day, beautiful.
Had a bowl of fruity pebbles.
Forgot about the tornado for a second. I was like,
Oh holy shit, I forgot about that.
Saved my life.
My jack brother. Give it up to me, right here.
Actually, maybe. Maybe we should just do it in the air. Bam.
High five. (laughs)
Good stuff.
I was gonna tell you guys.
So shocking thing I tell some people, I don't know,
they get shocked. I don't.
But when I tell people I've never been in a fight, right?
People look at me and they see how big I am
and they're like, why you've never been in a fight, man?
You're a big dude.
I'm just like, yeah, I'm a big dude man.
But punches hurt my fucking face and skull. Fuck that shit.
Why would I wanna be into that? Right?
So I've gone my whole life successfully avoiding fights.
Sometimes I lie my way outta fights.
Sometimes I joke my way outta fights.
Sometimes I just move to Austin, my way outta fights.
It's amazing.
Tell you guys, first person I ever dodged in my life.
I was in seventh grade, right?
I had a huge crush on this girl named Tammy.
She was my next door neighbor.
And then she started going out with this dude
that went to my middle school named Carlos.
All you gotta know about Carlos,
seventh grade, leader of a gang.
Yeah.
Covered in tattoos and had his own vehicle in the 7th grade.
Couldn't compete with it, decided to wait it out.
He gave teachers a ride to school at one point. I was like,
how is that okay? How is that okay, you know?
So some time went by and then I noticed Carlos
and Tammy broke up.
Carlos starts dating another girl that goes to our school
named Maria and my innocent seventh grade mind,
I just thought they broke up.
So I'll go hang out with Tammy one day and I go,
Sorry about you and Carlos breaking up.
I see he's dating Maria now. She says,
what the fuck are you talking about?
So in seventh grade, I accidentally player hated
for the very first time on the leader of the most powerful
gang in my middle school.
I was terrified.
I begged her, don't tell him it was Chris Tellez told you
this classified information.
Right in front of me, she's like my best friend Chris Tellez
just told me.
I got friendzoned and found out I was gonna
get murdered in the same sentence.
I go to school the next day.
I heard he's asking around about me, right?
I found my best friend Eric, still friends to this day.
And I said, Hey Eric, if this goes down gang jump style,
do you have my back?
And he said, No.
Terrifying.
I didn't think we'd win.
I just needed his body to absorb some of those body blows.
You know what I'm saying? Smart dude.
Moment of truth comes,
I'm getting a book from my locker, right?
And I feel this whole hallway surrounding my locker in
anticipation of this fight.
Then I feel Carlos tap me on the back, I turn around,
there he is with two of his friends,
classic gang jump style.
And then he goes, Yo, you Chris Tellez?
And without even missing a beat,
I look at him and I go, Nope.
What's the point of this? I'm gonna be late to science.
You know, it's, (laughs).
And I remember thinking if he asked me what my name is,
I'm gonna go as Vacente for the rest of the school year
'cause who fights with a Vacente? I've never heard of it.
But I didn't have to worry about that 'cause he looked at me
and he goes, All right dude, my bad.
And he just walked away.
It was awesome. I remember seeing him go through a crowd.
He was like, Yeah, no.
I asked him, I asked him that was, Oh my god
What happens to the gang? Do I take over?
I'll buy those bandanas if that's what this means,
I would love it if he heard about it. And he goes, Wait,
that was Chris Tellez?
Man, we could use a trickster like that in the gang.
I was like, no,
this guy's gonna beat my ass double hard when he finds out.
Right? But I didn't have to worry about that 'cause
I shit you guys not two periods later,
Carlos got into a fight with another guy
that went to our school named Chris Ramos
'cause he thought he was me.
And to make it even sweeter,
he stabbed him in the hand with a sharp pencil,
got suspended from school and I never had to see him again.
It was a good lie. I'm glad I told it.
Thank you.
(audience laughs and applause)
You heard what happened to Ramos, right?
That's great. You know, every time I tell that story,
sometimes I get a standing ovation 'cause people are glad
I didn't get my ass kicked.
But you guys are different and that's cool. I like that.
I get it. Some people feel bad about Chris Ramos.
I get that. Well, let me give you an update on that
piece of shit Chris Ramos real quick. Here we go.
Two years after we graduated from high school,
Chris Ramos got really drunk one day, went for a drive,
ran over a kid and fucking killed him.
All right, you guys have a great night.
My name is Chris Tellez. You guys have been great.
(audience cheers and applause)