- Yes, that's a lot of moving.
I'm on my period.
So I can't be shaking it up and down.
How many people
started looking at my pussy when I said that?
Are you trying to see?
This bitch is bold, really light denim?
What else am I gonna do?
Is summer time.
I have to dress like this.
I started wearing a fat pad.
Any fat bitches in here?
Never any fat bitches wanna claim being fat bitches,
but I say, let's just get quiet.
You will hear them breathe.
(laughing)
I had to wear the fat pad.
I got a fat pad.
You know, they got fat pads now for fat bitches.
This is what happens.
They want it to be a war between skinny bitches
and fat bitches over pads.
The fat pad is like, first of all, I don't need a fat pad.
My pussy's not that out of control.
You understand what I'm saying?
The fat pad is so different than the skinny pad,
'cause the skinny pad for the skinny bitches has integrity.
It's in a little purple box
and it's got Always written in calligraphy.
In the commercial the bitch is like Always.
And you like what bitch?
You got a what?
Shh, I'm bleeding.
(laughing)
And the letters they are in calligraphy,
like little birds are carrying the letters along
and then the pad comes with wings
'cause I guess the bitch's so thin
they float up when they bleeding.
So they got to glide down and shit.
And then the fat pad is called Forever
and it's in a big black box with chains.
You got to go to prison to get it
and there's three dudes in the commercial beatboxing, pads.
Then a fat bitch comes out through the smoke.
Hi, I'm on my period.
I'm bleeding to death
and the fat pad is a huge pad, it's huge.
You can only fit one pad in the box.
I got 99 boxes at home right for one week.
Just huge and I fucked around.
I went to the public pool this week with the pad on.
I soaked all of water in the pool.
It was crazy.
And the kids were like, mommy, where's the water?
And she was like, isn't that bitch's pad.
Now I got to keep my open 'til 8:00 PM,
'cause the kids want to swim.
And then I got to ring them out at night.
So I can be like, go back to your mother, you know.
It's hot.
It's super hot.
I don't know how to dress.
Like look at this shit I got on.
Look at this shit.
No, don't fucking clap for this.
This is crazy.
I have no idea how to dress.
I look like Patti LaBelle at the top, Cardi B at the bottom.
I have no idea what album I want to put out.
So crazy.
I hate politics, you know this.
I hate talking about politics.
I don't pay attention to anything.
I'm just like,
as long as somebody is not messing with my wig fund,
I'm perfectly fine.
I hate politics,
but I heard there's $2.5 billion they're given to Trump
to build part of the wall which I think is crazy,
'cause don't, we want a full wall,
if we gonna get a wall?
Like what?
Do they think Mexicans are dumb?
Like they gonna be like, oh ese we can only go here.
No, why wouldn't they go
to the part where the fucking wall isn't?
I mean, this is, what, $2.5 billion.
There's people I wanna build a wall around.
I don't need that much money.
You understand what I'm saying?
I got a fucking nosy neighbor.
I need $200 to build a wall around this nigger,
because he makes kimchi every Thursday
and I'm tired of the hallway
smelling like pig ass and gravy.
So can I get $200?
One of my best friends is getting married.
I have to go to that fucking wed.
I hate, I hate, I hate weddings,
because everybody's so fucking in love
and the shit is bullshit.
You know what I mean?
All this fucking love shit.
I hate love.
I do.
I hate the vows,
because the vowels are the dumbest part of wedding.
It's when all the bullshit happens.
You know, you see them, they start crying and shit.
Oh, my God, you mean so much to me.
You're the reason why the sun rises
and it's like, no the fuck he ain't.
He don't fuck me and my sun rise every fucking day.
I was just a maid of honor at my best friend's wedding
and it was like, girl, please.
It's so much preparation for these fucking brides,
because they want everybody to be obsessed with they day.
I can't, I have depression
and I have two cats and sleep apnea.
I can't be here for you every day.
You understand what I'm saying?
I just want to be at the cake testing and that's it.
I didn't know there was a whole dress thing.
We had to go look at the dress.
That is the worst thing.
Ever been to a fucking dress fitting
with these goddam brides?
They are the worst.
You trying shit you shouldn't be in.
You a fat bitch.
Don't get no off the shoulder shit bitch.
We all know you look like you could play for the 49ers.
So you better get some fucking,
some straps up in here bitch
and tie these titties up because.
(laughing)
The last wedding I was in the bitch did
everybody got to wear my favorite color, pumpkin spice
and I was like why the would you put fat in that?
We look like fucking jack-o-lanterns
walking down the damn isle.
I'm walking down the aisle trying to trick or treat
while I get down there and shit,
like ain't nobody got a Snickers.
I hate it.
And now I'm the only girlfriend that's not married.
So you know that fucking bouquet toss is crazy
'cause it's not even a toss anymore.
They just call me to the front
and the hand me the shit.
It's like, well nigger can we try?
Like, could you try to throw it?
I was in one wedding where they threw the bouquet
and it was like me and like six, six year old sitting there.
That's the worst when you the grown ass bitch
with six year olds trying to catch a bouquet.
It's like, what the fuck are y'all doing?
You six years old.
You don't deserve to be up here.
You haven't been through nothing.
I got HPV.
So you all need to sit down 'cause this bouquet is mine.
(laughing)
Before I got with my guy,
I was on a date with this guy that I met on Nude Africa.
(laughing)
That's a legit site
and I know there's a couple of white guys in here
that can verify that.
So don't let them fool you.
Nude African.
Huh sir, you been on there, huh?
You looked up into the sky nigger.
I know you thinking about Tasha.
(laughing)
I was on Nude Africa.
Nude Africa, you got to show your titties and shit.
That's what you got to do to get out there.
You got to put your titties out there.
So I put my titties out there, but I got big ass titties.
You know what I'm saying?
I got like, you know, some girls like they titties,
like your look like they up, they care about themselves.
You know what I'm saying?
They pay taxes.
They contribute.
You probably take your bra off
and it sounds like the Little Mermaid or some shit.
La, just happy.
I take my titties out the bra
and like they hang like Ricola horns
and there's no Little Mermaid.
It's just old Negro spirituals.
A lot of hemming and haw.
We made it, thank God we made it.
Sometimes when I'm doing housework
I just throw my over my back and just get going.
You ever did that?
No, of course not.
It gets real confusing when I take my bra off,
because I have two cats and they're like,
what is this a scratch toy?
They always.
So sometimes I have to take my nipples
and put it in catnip just to make them happy.
So I was with this guy from Nude Africa.
He came over to my house.
Now Nude Africa you don't really get to know the people.
You just be like, you wanna fuck
and they be like yeah.
So he came over and he was gorgeous.
I should, ladies be careful
when you're doing this online shit.
If you get a guy that's gorgeous, just get rid of him,
'cause he's a serial killer or something wrong with him.
Like just, just regular mother fuckers
and mediocre niggers is all you need to accept,
'cause the gorgeous guy, he should be out fucking,
he don't need to be on no goddam app.
You understand what I'm saying?
So he comes to my house, gorgeous guy,
we get on the couch, we start making out.
Now, you know, the is hot right now.
So titties are sweating.
I'm a big girl.
So I put talcum powder under my titties
to catch the moisture.
So we fooling around on the couch.
He lifts up my titties.
All these powder crumbs came falling out on the couch.
I was embarrassed 'cause he don't know.
He don't know what the fuck it is
and I was like, oh he gonna think this is a powder doughnut.
Like, you know, cause I'm a fat bitch.
So I had to tell him it was cocaine
and I bagged it up and sold it to him for $5.
You know.
(clapping)
But he didn't even care.
Like he was so busy, like playing with my titties,
like he had my like up do shit,
like I had never seen my titties face to face before.
I was just like.
And then he let my titties drop.
You've had your titties drop?
You ever had a guy put your titties up and let 'em drop.
My titties went up and they just drop
and then they were like swinging,
because you know, they big, heavy ass titties.
They just flipping back and forth
and as they were swinging back and forth
this balls up his fist and start boxing my titties.
I was like, what the fuck are you?
Have you ever boxed a bitches titties sir?
(laughing)
Don't box bitch's titties okay.
Unless you want a bitch
playing hacky sack with your balls, don't box
and then he started
doing that little Etch a Sketch shit that men do.
I hate that with the nipples, that shit.
That Etch a Sketch, like you about to get a like a hot 97
and some shit on the titties.
I hate that.
Why are you doing that?
What is it?
They are so sick.
I can't stand men.
And I was like, you got to get away from my titties.
That's crazy.
But then he went down here, right,
oh, I was like, well at least
he going down to the pleasure box,
but then he took these two fingers like this,
this is the worst.
We all, all ladies know
and this is the thing,
every man does this like they about to do some shit
and every woman's like, oh my God, I'm about to get a pap,
I'm about to die.
This guy has no clue,
'cause he like, he jackknifed.
It was like, it's one thing to present these two fingers.
It's another thing to go.
He was like, you like that?
I was like, no I don't.
Oh, my uterus.
I'm tired of this shit.
I'm on Weight Watchers right now.
Seventh time, seventh time.
I mean we just watching and waiting.
That's all we doing.
Every time you I get on this program,
we just like is it going to happen now?
And it never does, because here's the problem.
I don't want you to tell me to write shit down.
You understand?
I'm a fat.
Just tell me what can't go in my mouth
and we'll keep it a that you know.
Don't tell me to write, because I got to write in the diary.
You know about Weight Watchers?
You got to write down in a little diary.
You know what I'm saying?
I got like 40 points
and shit every day I gotta write it down.
I feel like a fat Anne Frank,
just write the shit down, looking around,
and who looking.
(laughing)
I'm telling you right now,
if I was fucking Anne Frank,
we would have been caught,
because I'd a had some Doritos
and the shit would have been over three minutes in,
like you hear some crunching upstairs.
Anne put that Dorito bag down.
Shut up nigger.
I'm hungry you up in his goddam attic.
I get 40 points every day.
I got to count them points.
I be tight with them points.
I had a turkey burger today.
That was seven points.
No bread, 'cause that's six points.
Half a piece of cheese that's three points,
'cause I wanna suck dick and that's 10 points
and I can't say to the guy, listen don't come in my mouth.
I don't have enough points today.
Put it in this cup.
I'll have it tomorrow for breakfast.