Oh, I'm excited to be here.
Look at you guys.
I'm so excited.
Especially for me,
because my last live stand up show,
I did stand up at a middle school.
Because that's how my career
is going.
So this is huge.
There's adults here.
(audience cheering)
The gig went well, I'll be honest.
It went well.
Which, it went too well.
Like, on the one hand,
I was happy as a comedian for doing
my job.
On the other hand,
that means my material really
resonates with seventh graders.
And I don't know how I feel
about that.
You know?
It did bring me back
to my middle school days.
I remember all the classes we had
to take in school.
Like we had to swim for gym class.
I don't know if you guys did this.
And me and a bunch of brown kids
didn't want to swim.
So we forged a letter
from a local mosque stating that we
weren't allowed to swim
due to religious Islamic beliefs.
We even included a phone number
on the letter that the school could
call to verify with the mosque.
And we had kids cover the phone
and take shifts.
(audience laughing)
We were so Indian we started a call
center.
(audience laughing)
That's high level.
(audience laughing)
Obviously, nobody called.
Could you imagine the stress
of that phone conversation?
The principal is like, "hey, it's
"Mr. Razak at Hill Middle School
"up the street.
"Yeah, I'm just calling to verify,
"do you guys--
"do guys allow water?
"I know during Ramadan it's
"like illegal or something,
"but you guys wear towels, right?
"Oh, my-- I must answer
"this other call.
"You know what--"
(audience laughing)
So we got out.
We got out of swimming.
Didn't have to do it.
And the craziest part
about that story
is I'm not even Muslim.
I'm Hindu.
But nobody checked.
They're like, whatever.
Same thing.
Get him out of here.
That was probably
the last smart thing I did as a kid
though, because I was a very
dumb kid.
I was so dumb I thought an IUD was
a state school.
(audience laughing)
Because out here women
talking about it, how they're saving
up for it, it's going to change
their life.
I'm like, man, they must have
a great liberal arts program out
over at IUD.
I should look into that.
So I asked Jeeves about it.
This is a different time,
everybody's asking Jeeves.
If you don't know what Ask Jeeves
is, Google it.
(audience laughing)
And I was like, oh, they got
the same mascot as the Texas
Longhorns.
(audience laughing)
It's an incredible joke.
You're right.
Yeah.
Thank you.
All the men in here
look so confused.
That's why we shouldn't be allowed
to vote on women's health,
that confusion right there.
(audience laughing)
If you're a woman in here
and get that joke, watch out,
you might be pregnant.
Be careful.
(audience laughing)
Anyone have kids in here,
by round of applause who's got kids?
You got kids?
(audience applauding)
You clapped and looked
at the ground.
Are you proud of them?
Or what's going on?
OK.
How many kids you got, sir?
- Six.
OK.
Anyone beat six?
How many do you have?
- Seven.
OK.
- Seven.
Anybody got like 10?
- 20.
- 20?
(audience laughing)
It's Utah.
I don't know.
I mean, that's-- normally I'd be
like, that's not true.
But here I'm like, all right,
it seems right.
It seems correct.
Seems on track.
I've been thinking about having
kids.
Not that there's anyone asking
or trying,
but it's important to think about
as you get older.
I don't think I'd be cut out
to be a good father.
But then I saw something recently
on a flight that made me feel better
about it.
I saw a mother with two little kids.
One of the kids fell right
before takeoff.
And rather than pick him up
and buckle him in she just kicked
him on the seat in front of her
like a carry on.
(audience laughing)
And it made me realize,
kids are like phones.
When you first get one you take
really good care of it,
make sure it's all charged up.
But after a few weeks the novelty
wears off, start leaving it
behind places.
And you wish you got it
in a different color.
You know more fun.
(audience laughing)
Don't you wish you could trade
in your kid
every couple of years like you trade
in your phone?
You bring it in,
you're like, this model is running
so slow.
Could I please get the new one?
That one's so much thinner too.
I would prefer that.
If you did laugh at that,
you got a fat kid at home.
And that's OK.
That's fine.