And speaking of Putin, by the way,
earlier this week during a press conference at the Kremlin,
the Russian president finally commented on the unfounded
and scandalous rumors of Donald Trump
paying for golden showers from Russian prostitutes.
(speaking Russian)
PUTIN (translated): Did Trump really come
and meet with Moscow prostitutes?
First, he is an adult.
And second, he is a person who, for many years,
has organized a beauty pageant,
socialized with the most beautiful women in the world.
It is hard to believe that he ran to a hotel
to meet with our girls of a low social class,
although they are the best in the world.
(laughter)
Hashtag, humble brag!
(laughter)
That's such a strange thing to end off on.
I mean, I don't blame Putin, to be honest.
When you're in Russia,
you got to take national pride where you can get it.
'Cause, I mean, think about it.
Obama is all over there, the TV, like,
"America has the world's number one economy,
"number one military,
and top innovators in tech and science."
And then Putin's like, "We have world's best prostitutes!"
We also have bear who knows gymnastics.
(laughter)
But you know what... you know what the truth is?
It's actually a great time to be Vladimir Putin right now.
Because for a long time, nobody was even
But now he's got us playing his game.
We're all obsessed with Russia.
Because with all the hacking and the e-mails,
it seems like Russia
is the sinister force behind everything.
For instance, did you guys see
what happened on C-SPAN the other day?
In the middle of Congresswoman Waters' speech about Russia,
the feed suddenly cut to Russian TV.
Now, I mean, look, if that was just a one-off thing,
it could be a mistake or a stupid Internet prank,
but then how do you explain that on the very same day...
this happened?
It was a weird day on Capitol Hill.
You know, during the Pompeo hearing,
they were talking about Russian influence,
and then suddenly the lights went out in the hearing room.
The Intelligence Committee's assessment
that Russia, at the direction...
NEWSMAN:
this
Whatever the Russians may have intended with their hacking
has made it much more difficult to get to where they want.
There's now a big impediment.
When you hear General Mattis today,
Mike Pompeo, the CIA director,
almost swearing that they're gonna be hard-liners
(repeating): on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ...
on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ...
on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ...
on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ...
on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ... on Russ...
What the (bleeping).
I mean, they may be undermining America's democracy,
but at least you can dance to the beat, you know?
-(dance beat playing) -It's just got that thing.
♪ ♪
♪ Nipples ♪
♪ Nipples. ♪ I feel like those would be the lyrics. Anyway...
Look, look... is Russia infiltrating America's networks?
Maybe, but probably not.
I think what's happening is that the people are anxious
that tomorrow America's committing to a man
who may be in cahoots with Russia.
And nobody knows. This is one of those situations
where you wish you could protect yourself.
Like, wouldn't it be cool if America could sign a prenup
with Donald Trump?
Yeah, well,
and we thought it would look a little something like this.
Now, Miss States-- I'm-I'm sorry,
may I call you America?
Great. Now, I know that you and Mr. Trump
are in the honeymoon phase, and it seems like this thing
is gonna last forever.
Either way, having a prenup is the smart thing to do.
So let's start with the basics. First off,
it seems like Mr. Trump is... into the relationship now,
but we all know that he's got a side thing with Russia,
so if he hooks up with Putin, it's gonna cost him.
And we're talking Ivana money.
None of this Marla (bleep).
Secondly, he must consummate his relationship with the media
at least once a year, in the form of a press conference
of satisfactory length and breadth.
Uh, ba-ba... Ooh.
You get to keep the White House, but he's insisting
on full custody of Paul Ryan's balls.
Supervised visits only.
And you get a billion-dollar bonus
if you elect him to a second term.
(groans) Sorry I'm late. I was waiting
for a handicapped spot to open up.
Those guys take forever to move.
-This is Mr. Trump's lawyer. -Not a lawyer.
Lawyers are scum.
-No offense, scumbag. -None taken.
So, I have gone through your proposal-- sad--
and we have some demands ourselves.
Say no to everything until we have time to discuss it.
First, Mr. Trump is unhappy with America's signs of aging.
-Mm. -Droopy roads, sagging bridges.
So we ask that America consent and fund
any kind of cosmetic enhancement Mr. Trump deems necessary.
Okay, look, you are a
It's just a matter of maintaining.
Oh, yes. We request complete deforestation.
Mr. Trump likes to keep things nice and smooth.
Okay, she can keep a patch.
Trust me, you don't want to look bald from space.
And... just a name change. Daylight Savings will now become
the Trump Power Hour.
-Fine. -And other than that, it's all pretty basic stuff.
You have health care, the wall,
and... you do consent to doing pee stuff.
-But only in the shower. -And the Rose Garden.
And the squirrels can't watch.
Oh, come on, that's the whole point.
Oh, one little tiny thing. Uh, right here.
Oh, "By signing, you hereby agree
"that none of the clauses herein are binding
and Mr. Trump can do whatever he wants without consequences."
Okay, so now we just need... your John Hancock.
Just remember-- you don't
Yes, you do. We won.
Yeah, I guess you did kind of ask for it.
Oh, one final thing. You're now:
Mrs. United States of Trump.
-("Hail to the Chief" playing) -I'll help you.