WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.
WELL I HAVE-- I HAVE GONE THROUGH A LOT OF THOUGHTS TODAY.
IT'S BEEN A HISTORIC DAY.
WE HAVE REACHED A MILESTONE AS A NATION.
IT'S NOT JUST THAT THE PRESIDENT FIRED THE HEAD OF THE F.B.I.
OKAY.
NO, HERE'S THE MILESTONE-- WE HAVE APPARENTLY ELECTED A
PRESIDENT WHO TRULY DOES NOT CARE WHAT ANYTHING LOOKS LIKE.
WHICH IS SURPRISING FAIR GUY WHOSE ACTUAL FACE WE'VE NEVER
SEEN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- NO IDEA.
>> Jon: MAN, MAN.
NOPE.
>> Stephen: FIRING JIM COMEY, HEAD OF THE F.B.I., REALLY FEELS
LIKE AUTHORITARIANISM 101.
WHICH, BY THE WAY, A VERY DIFFICULT CLASS.
THE PROFESSOR IS A TOTAL NAZI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH, SO STRICT.
SO STRICT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: TOUGH GUY.
>> Stephen: THE QUESTION IS, WHY DID TRUMP DO IT?
NOW, WHILE IT LOOKS LIKE DONALD TRUMP FIRED JAMES COMEY TO STOP
THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION...
THAT IS WHY.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE-- I'M PRETTY CONFIDENT.
BECAUSE ONE THING WE'VE LEARNED FROM THE LAST TWO YEARS OF
DONALD TRUMP IS THAT WHAT IT SEEMS LIKE HE'S DOING IS EXACTLY
WHAT HE'S DOING.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S NO GRAND STRATEGY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S NOT-- HE'S NOT-- HE'S NOT
SOME PUPPET MASTER.
>> Jon: RIGHT.
>> Stephen: HE'S NOT SOME WIZARD PLAYING THREE-DIMENSIONAL
CHESS.
HE'S PLAYING "HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS."
HE'S JUST SLAPPING TILL HE GETS ALL THE MARBLES.
MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE, MINE!
THERE'S NOTHING DEEPER GOING ON.
HE'S A BABY POOL.
YOU COULD NOT GET YOUR ANKLES WET IN DONALD TRUMP.
NOW, THE WORD IS, TRUMP HAS BEEN PLANNING TO FIRE COMEY FOR AT
LEAST A WEEK, RIGHT?
AND HE EVIDENTLY ASKED ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS TO COME UP
WITH REASONS TO FIRE HIM.
SO THAT'S YET DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE IS NOW THE DEPARTMENT OF
JUSTIFICATION.
APPARENTLY OVER AT D.O.J.-- ( APPLAUSE )
OVER AT D.O.J., APPARENTLY, THAT JOB FELL TO DEPUTY
ATTORNEY GENERAL AND MAN STARING AT YOU FROM THE PRODUCE SECTION,
ROD ROSENSTEIN.
( LAUGHTER ) HI.
HEY, THE NAME'S ROD.
( LAUGHTER ) YES.
RECENTLY DIVORCED.
HI.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE BEST REASON ROSENSTEIN
COULD COME UP WITH WAS, "I CANNOT DEFEND THE DIRECTOR'S
HANDLING OF THE CONCLUSION OF THE INVESTIGATION OF SECRETARY
CLINTON'S EMAILS."
OKAY, SO THEY'RE CLAIMING TRUMP FIRED COMEY FOR HOW HE TREATED
HILLARY CLINTON.
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
WE ALL REMEMBER HIS RALLIES WHEN THE CROWDS CHANTED, "TREAT HER
FAIRLY!
TREAT HER FAIRLY!" AND THAT WOULD CERTAINLY EXPLAIN
TRUMP'S NEW T-SHIRT.
VERY BIG OF HIM.
VERY GENEROUS.
VERY BIG OF HIM.
NOW, EVERYBODY WAS SHOCKED BY THIS.
ESPECIALLY THE SHOCKEE, BECAUSE COMEY FOUND OUT HE WAS FIRED
DURING A MEETING WHEN A TELEVISION IN THE BACKGROUND
FLASHED THE NEWS.
WELL, THAT'S CERTAINLY ON BRAND BECAUSE FIRING PEOPLE ON TV IS
TRUMP'S QUALIFICATION FOR BEING PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW AT FIRST-- AT FIRST COMEY--
AND THIS IS TRUE-- DID NOT TAKE THE NEWS SERIOUSLY, REPORTEDLY
SAYING HE THOUGHT IT WAS A FAIRLY FUNNY PRIERCHG.
JAMES COMEY, YOU DIDN'T JUST GET PRANKED.
YOU GOT...
TRUMP'D.
WHAT!
TRUMP'D!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THE HAT IS A NICE
TOUCH.
>> Stephen, OF COURSE, THAT WASN'T THE END OF IT.
DONALD TRUMP EVENTUALLY DID SEND A LETTER:
"WHILE I GREATLY APPRECIATE YOU INFORMING ME ON THREE SEPARATE
OCCASIONS, THAT I AM NOT UNDER INVESTIGATION, I NEVERTHELESS
CONCUR WITH THE JUDGMENT OF THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE THAT YOU
ARE NOT ABLE TO EFFECTIVELY LEAD THE BUREAU."
DID YOU CATCH THAT?
HE'S SAYING THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION IN A
LETTER FIRING COMEY FOR THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
THAT IS CLEVER.
THAT IS LIKE CARVING YOUR ALIBI ON THE MURDER WEAPON.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND-- "NOT DONNY'S GUN.
I THINK THE MAID DID IT.
SAD!" ( LAUGHTER )
"BUILD THE WALL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO COMEY HAS BEEN FIRED, OR AS
FOX NEWS PUT IT, "JAMES COMEY RESIGNS."
EASY MISTAKE.
>> Jon: RESIGNED?
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, FOG OF WAR.
IT'S EASY TO GET THINGS WRONG ON A BREAKING STORY.
I MEAN, WHO CAN FORGET THE "NEW YORK HERALD'S,," LINCOLN COMMITS
SUICIDE."
BUT-- TOO SOON.
DESPITE COMMIE'S FIRING, MAINE SENATOR SUSAN COLINS IS
CERTAINTY RUSSIAN INVESTIGATIONS WILL CONTINUE.
>> WELL, THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T FIRE THE ENTIRE F.B.I.
>> Stephen: DON'T GIVE HIM ANY IDEAS!
DUMMY!
I COULD DO THAT.
COULD I DO THAT?
TELL THEM TO TURN THEIR TVs ON.
BUT THIS INVESTIGATION IS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY QUIETLY.
COMEY'S FIRING IS HISTORICALLY UNPRECEDENTEPRECEDENTED WITH ONE
EXCEPTION.
>> SOME ARE COMPARING COMB'S FIRING TO PRESIDENT NIXON'S
SATURDAY NIGHT MASSACRE.
HE WANTED ARCHIBALD COX FIRED.
>> REMINISCENT OF WATERGATE.
>> ECHOES OF WATERGATE.
>> THE WHOLE ECHO OF WATERGATE IS VERY STRONG HERE.
>> Stephen: YES, LISTEN CLOSELY, CHILDREN, AND YOU CAN
HEAR THE ECHO OF WATERGATE.
I AM NOT A CROOK-OOOK-OOOK.
THAT'S MY NIXON.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL
TELL YOU WHO DOES NOT BUY THE NIXON COMPARISON.
THE NIXON LISTEN.
YESTERDAY THEY TWEETED, "FUN FACT: PRESIDENT NIXON NEVER
FIRED THE DIRECTOR OF THE FBI."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT IS FUN.
YEAH.
FUN FACT: THAT'S THE NIXON LIBRARY'S ONLY "FUN" FACT!
( LAUGHTER ) THE REST IS KIND OF SAD.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS SHOCKED? DONALD TRUMP.
BECAUSE BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE HAVE BEEN MAD AT COMEY OVER THE
YEARS, WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS BELIEVED COMEY'S FIRING WOULD BE
A "WIN-WIN."
WHY WOULD TRUMP THINK THIS IS WIN-WIN?
EVEN HIS ELECTION WAS LOSE-WIN.
NOW, PRESIDENT KNOWS-- BOUGHT HE DIDN'T GET THE MAJORITY VOTE.
THERE WILL BE FLASH CARDS LATER, FOOTNOTES, EVERYTHING.
THE ENTIRE MONOLOGUE IS ONLINE WITH LINKS.
THE PRESIDENT KNOWS, EVENTUALLY, ALL HIS CRITICS WILL COME
AROUND, TWEETING, "COMEY LOST THE CONFIDENCE OF ALMOST
EVERYONE IN WASHINGTON, REPUBLICAN AND DEMOCRAT ALIKE.
WHEN THINGS CALM DOWN, THEY WILL BE THANKING ME!"
ALL RIGHT, HOW SHOULD WE THANK HIM?
HOW SHOULD WE THANK HIM?
WE SHOULD GET HIM SOMETHING SPECIAL.
HOW ABOUT A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW-- WRAP IT UP, A LITTLE BOW.
A LITTLE BOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, AS USUAL, AS USUAL, TRUMP'S
SPOKESPEOPLE SCRAMBLED TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.
THEY EVEN RE-HYDRATED KELLYANNE CONWAY-- MOISTURE.
LEAVE HER IN A DISH FOR ABOUT HALFAP HOUR.
LIKE THOSE DINOSAUR SPONGES.
SO SHE COULD GO TALK TO A DISBELIEVING ANDERSON COOPER.
WATCH HIS EYES.
>> YOU'RE COMPARING TWO THINGS THAT DON'T BELONG TOGETHER.
THANKS FOR THE TRIP DOWN MEMORY LANE.
I WAS ON YOUR SHOW OFTEN LAST FALL SAYING HOW WE WERE GOING TO
WIN MICHIGAN AND HOW WE WERE GOING TO DO IT.
SO THAT WAS FUN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: DID YOU CATCH THAT?
HE COULDN'T POSSIBLY SHOW MORE CONTEMPT THAN THAT.
I'M BEING TOLD HE CAN: >> I WAS ON YOUR SHOW OFTEN LAST
FALL, SAYING WE WERE GOING TO WIN MICHIGAN AND SAYING HOW WE
COULD DO IT.
SO THAT WAS FUN.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED TODAY, TODAY, NOT IN THE CAMPAIGN, IN
THE WHITE HOUSE.
IT'S JUST-- IT'S A CONFLUENCE OF EVENTS.
WHAT MR. ROSENSTEIN SAYS IS SO IMPORTANT.
HE SAYS, "THE F.B.I.'S REPUTATION AND CREDIBILITY HAVE
SUFFERED SUBSTANTIAL DAMAGE."
"I CANNOT DEFEND THE DIRECTOR'S HANDLING OF THE CONCLUSION OF
THE INVESTIGATION OF SECRETARY CLINTON'S EMAILS."
"THE F.B.I. DIRECTOR IS NEVER EMPOWERED TO SUPPLANT FEDERAL
PROSECUTORS AND PURSUE COMMAND OF THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT."
"WE DO NOT HOLD PRESS CONFERENCES TO RELEASE
DEROGATORY INFORMATION ABOUT AN INVESTIGATION."
HE ALSO SAYS-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU,
ANDERSON.
HE'S A GOOD MAN.
GOOD MAN.
, OF COURSE, NO TRUMP CATASTROPHE WOULD BE COMPLETE
WITHOUT A CAMEO FROM PRESS SECRETARY AND ORIGINAL BOSS
BABY, SEAN SPICER.
LAST NIGHT, SPICER WAS HEADING INTO HIS OFFICE BUT COULDN'T GET
THERE WITHOUT RUNNING INTO A THRONG OF REPORTERS, SO HE HID
IN THE BUSHES TO AVOID ANSWERING THEIR QUESTIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
"ARE THEY STILL OUT THERE?
HEY, I FOUND REINCE PRIEBUS'S FRISBEE!"
( LAUGHTER ) GET IT!
SO WHY DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN?
EVIDENTLY, TRUMP GOT ANGRY THAT THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION
WOULDN'T DISAPPEAR.
NOT ONLY WOT RUSSIA INVESTIGATION NOT DISAPPEAR.
JUST A FEW DAYS AGO, COMEY REPORTEDLY ASKED THE JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT FOR A SIGNIFICANT INCREASE IN MONEY AND PERSONNEL
FOR THE BUREAU'S INVESTIGATION.
OOOH, I LOVE A GOOD MYSTERY.
IN THIS CASE, "NANCY DREW AND THE CASE OF THE BLATANTLY
OBVIOUS MOTIVE."
LAUGH WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
WHEN I COME BACK, I'LL TALK TO COMEDY POWER COUPLE NICK
OFFERMAN AND MEGAN MULLALLY!
STICK AROUND!