(audience cheering)
- Meant to be, already. - Meant to be.
May I ask why you chose to tell your truth
when you live in an amazing world
with the attention of so many in what could totally
be gotten away with as a veneer?
- Because I was struggling alone for so long
and I felt like I didn't have anyone
that was being open with it and I felt like
I was just by myself in this and I felt like
something had to be severely wrong with me to be
the only person in this industry that felt this way.
And so when I started having these conversations in private
and I started realizing that everyone is actually struggling
and no one is as happy as they seem, I was like,
"We have to talk about this, I think."
- I'm so glad that you did. Everybody struggles.
So I related on levels that are difficult to talk about.
And I wanna thank you, because you're discussing
stuff right now that I wanna make you feel safe about,
'cause I've been there.
So when you were struggling
there was, like, attempts at escaping life?
- Yes.
- Tell me about that.
- I got to the point that I just, things caught up with me
that I never had acknowledged, I never wanted to face.
I feel like I was sort of putting on this facade
and living in this, like, role I had been assigned
for so long and it just all caught up to me one day.
And then one day turned into weeks and months.
And honestly I feel like it was at least a year
that I was just always in this sort of,
like, suicidal ideation mindset.
It felt very normal to me
to think about that at the end of every day.
And then, yeah, that wasn't until I ended up
actually making an attempt and was thankfully,
obviously, unsuccessful, but I don't know,
it just all became too much and that's when I also decided,
like, "Okay, clearly there's something more
for me to live for if I wasn't successful and I want
to do something with that and I want to be able to say
I made the choice to live and what am I gonna do now?
What does that mean?" - And did this happen twice?
- Yeah, I don't, I don't like to, I guess, admit
that it happened twice because the second time
I sort of still brush off as like, "no, that,"
and that should just show how, like,
not serious it was to me anymore.
It became so normal that sitting on a balcony and debating
jumping off was just something that I kind of did.
And that's why I'm like, was that really that big of a deal?
And now obviously with a lot of reflection
and writing about it, obviously yes.
But yeah, no, it, so yeah, definitely twice, at least.
- Me as well. Twice.
I don't know if I really wanted to leave the earth.
I was so desperate that I did not know where else to turn.
- Right. You wanted, like, a way out.
Even if it was maybe temporary, but obviously it can't be.
There's no, like, way to describe it.
I always used to say to my best friend,
"I just want a temporary death."
I'm like, "Maybe it's not forever
but right now it's too much and I want out currently."
- How did you find your way out, back?
I ask because I've had to ask myself
these very same questions. - Definitely.
I still ask it.
I think that my biggest thing, though,
was I started doing a lot of inner child work.
I started healing the little girl in me, like,
very seriously and that was something
I sort of dove in head first.
I was like, "This has to be what I start with.
I have to start with the beginning
of where I feel like this pain is coming from."
So I really just, like, took that very seriously.
I went on a couple mental health retreats.
I did therapy every single day of the week.
I just really committed to getting better,
whatever better even means.
I just, I don't know, I started to love myself
the same way I try to love other people.
- I love you. I know that for sure.
- I love you too.
- Everything you just said, that was a real rollercoaster
of incredible productiveness in seeking help,
in self-awareness, in giving grace to others,
realizing you're not giving it to yourself,
and you get to be the real you.
You have carved that path out for yourself
with bravery and courage and strength.
And I applaud that because you never have to be fake
or anyone but you! (audience applauding)
- Thank you. - It's amazing.
It truly, truly is.
Now I work here in this beautiful space with Ross Matthews.
You know him.
- [Madison] I love him.
- You guys have done "Drag Race" together.
Do you mind if we pull
that sensitive funny bird into the conversation?
- Please, yes, please.
(cheerful upbeat music)