The biggest story to rock American colleges
since the invention of the red Solo cup.
It's the college admissions bribery scandal,
or, as I call it, Bribegate Scandalgate.
REPORTER: Breaking news, a major college scandal.
The Feds bust up a large-scale scheme
helping students cheat on their college entrance exams
-to get into top schools. -REPORTER 2: Prosecutors say
parents paying a college admissions consultant
$25 million
between 2011 and 2018
to guarantee admission to elite universities.
Among those charged are exam administrators,
exam proctors, college administrators,
coaches at elite schools,
and 33 parents who paid large amounts in this scheme.
Two of those parents accused are actresses Felicity Huffman
and Lori Loughlin.
Both have been charged with felonies
for conspiracy to commit mail fraud.
Holy crap. This is insane.
The FBI has just busted dozens of rich parents
for bribing colleges to accept their kids.
And not just any rich people--
some celebrities!
I'm so disappointed in you, Aunt Becky.
I mean, I expected this from a Desperate Housewife.
But you?
Now, details of the scandal are still coming in,
but, already, some of the allegations are mind-blowing.
All right? Felicity Huffman allegedly paid $15,000
to help her daughter get into top schools.
And Aunt Becky, get this,
allegedly paid $500,000
to get her daughter into USC.
And my only question is,
when does the bribing stop? Right?
If you bribe to get good test grades,
then, surely, you have to bribe the administrators, right?
But, at some point, people are gonna figure out
that your kid is stupid.
Yeah. They'll be in class, like,
"Well, according to President Franklin,
five is the square root of 81."
Be like, "Uh, Franklin wasn't a president."
"Well, that's not what President Franklin told me!"
And, you know, I'm-- like, the story is so infuriating,
because rich kids should have to get into college
the old-fashioned way, all right?
By their parents donating a library.
So this is a huge story right now
and not just because of the possible crimes committed
but also because of everything it says
about how privileged people get ahead in a country
that's supposed to be about merit and hard work.
And I wish we had more time to talk about all this,
but we don't, because there's another spoiled brat
who's in a place he's not supposed to be.
And right now the top Democrat in charge is saying
she's not planning to kick him out.
REPORTER: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi delivering
a Democratic reality check,
explaining why she opposes impeaching President Trump.
It divides the country.
Unless there's some conclusive evidence
that takes us to that place.
The nation's top Democrat earlier telling
The Washington Post Magazine, "I'm not for impeachment.
This is news." Explaining...
(reading):
Wow. He's just not worth it?
Oh, either Nancy Pelosi has gone soft
or this is brilliant reverse psychology.
Yeah. Because you know Trump's gonna hear that and be like,
"Well, how dare you!
I'm totally worth impeaching!"
Be like, "No, you're not, Donald."
"Oh, yeah! Check out my tax returns!
"And here's my pee-pee tape!
"Lock me up! Lock me up!
Lock me up!"
-He's totally gonna fall for it. -(cheering and applause)
And, now, look, look, if we had more time,
we would get into how Democrats are divided
on when or if to impeach President Trump,
and we could also get into whether Nancy Pelosi's
really against impeachment or if this is all just part of a plan
so that, when she eventually calls for impeachment,
it doesn't look like she rushed to judgment
and wanted it the whole time. But we've got to move on.
We've got to move from the House to the Senate,
because today was a very important day.
Today, Senator Mitt Romney
is 72 Earth years old.
And to celebrate, his aides got him a cake
made out of Twinkies.
And believe it or not, that's not the weird part.
-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ -(laughing)
♪ Happy birthday ♪
-♪ Dear Senator Romney. ♪ -Thank you.
Look at this.
(aides chuckling)
This is never gonna work, is it?
(chuckling)
(laughter)
When...
when the laughter died down in that clip,
that's when everyone realized
they were standing next to a serial killer.
They were like, "Ha-ha-ha, it's the Twin..."
(chuckling nervously)
Because, I'm sorry, blowing out candles one by one,
I think we can all agree, is extremely weird.
And I'm not gonna lie.
He did it with such rich white man confidence
that I started wondering if I've been doing it wrong
my entire life. Like, he was just like...
(blows) "Here we go. That's how you...
(blows) do it and..."
And I was like, "Yeah, that-that's how we're supposed
to be doing it?"
And, look, I mean, the cake is really cool.
And I do get why Mitt Romney likes Twinkies.
They're exactly like him-- white on the outside
but, somehow, even whiter on the inside.
Now, look, I'm not gonna lie.
I would love to spend the entire show talking about Twinkies
and then, at the end, bring out, like, a giant Twinkie cake.
But we just don't have the time or John Oliver's money.
So we got to move on to the major story
that's got the NBA shook.
It involves a basketball player
threatening to beat up a fan and his wife.
Now to an ugly confrontation last night in the NBA.
It happened during a game between the Utah Jazz
and the Oklahoma City Thunder in Salt Lake City,
when Thunder guard Russell Westbrook
got in a shouting match with some Utah fans.
Westbrook said after the game
that the fan was making comments
he considered racist and highly disrespectful.
Now, the fan claims he was only engaging
in a "playful back-and-forth" with Westbrook
and didn't say anything offensive.
He's got to be a professional.
I mean, she was sitting down the entire time.
Me and him were just... it was actually,
we were kind of having fun, to be honest.
Okay, first of all, Russell Westbrook,
you can't threaten to beat up a woman, all right?
This is the NBA, not the NFL.
-(laughter, groans) -And secondly... and secondly,
to that fan, you can't be talking trash
to a seven-foot-tall human being
and then be surprised when he reacts.
Like, you know what I honestly think happened here?
This fan forgot that he wasn't at home
watching the game on TV-- that's what happened.
No, because when you watch sports on TV,
you yell at the screen all the time. Yeah.
But then when you're there live, the people can hear you.
Like, I remember the first time I went to an NBA game.
The ref made a bad call, and I was like, "Open your eyes, ref!"
And then he turned and he was like, "What did you say?"
And I was like... (shuddering)
"Nothing. Just enjoy your whistle, mister."