- We had to pick out our dresses.
She goes, "You pick out whatever style you want,
whatever style you want.
Just have my favorite color, whatever style."
I said, "All right. What's your favorite color?"
"Pumpkin spice."
(audience laughs)
That's not even a color, that's a drink at Starbucks.
(audience laughs)
Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You got seven big ******* in your wedding
(audience laughs)
and you choose pumpkin spice?
(audience laughs)
We look like angry jack-o'-lanterns walking down the aisle.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Boo! Boo!
(audience laughs) (upbeat music)
- I've lived in New York for nine years.
I love New York. (laughs)
Yeah. (audience laughs)
I'm not afraid to be controversial.
(audience laughs)
I love New York.
I love to be in the West Village with a Pashmina
and a hot coffee, just late to something.
(audience laughs)
I love to be lost in a sweater. (laughs)
I love to just be in a huge baggy sweater,
just exhausted. (audience laughs)
It's really where I come alive.
It's my best look. (audience laughs)
Yeah, someone relates.
There's literally one gay person here.
(audience laughs)
But it really facilitates my favorite style of acting,
which you sir, will appreciate.
(audience laughs)
It's called sweater acting
and I wanna do it for you guys right now.
If you have a sweater at home, you can do this too.
Just bring the sweater down to your knuckles.
Always have your shoulders up.
Always be squinting. Mess up your hair.
I would mess up my hair more,
but there's industry just teeming everywhere.
Anyway, so there's the shoulders up.
I need to get a running start.
This is called sweater acting.
Here we go. Sweater acting.
"Hey. (audience laughs)
I just wanna say,
I think it's really cool that you did back there.
(audience laughs)
Those guys were jerks. (audience laughs)
And she couldn't defend herself.
I mean, how could she?
She's blind. (audience laughs)
Anyway, I should get. (laughs)
Right my name, I always forget.
(audience laughs)
It's," yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that was Blake Lively.
(audience laughs) Thank you.
That was Amy Jo Johnson in "Felicity."
(audience laughs and applauds)
That was Nev Campbell in everything she's ever done.
It's very much,
it's acting from the collarbone.
- Yeah! - Right?
It's the vocal quality of choking on almond milk.
(audience laughs)
- I lost my virginity in college on Halloween night
while watching a movie.
And I've learned since then
that there's no good movie to have on
in the background of sex.
I lost my virginity on a Halloween night
while watching the movie, "Hocus Pocus."
(audience laughs)
"Hocus Pocus" is a movie about three witches,
starring Bette Middler, Sarah Jessica Parker,
and Kathy Najimy in the role of a lifetime.
(audience laughs)
And a lot of guys come too quickly
the first time they have sex.
I lasted 45 minutes out of pure stress and anxiety.
I ended up coming when Bette Middler
was singing a Broadway version of, "I Put a Spell On You."
It was a really weird night. (audience laughs)
I did, I just watched that movie again recently, no joke.
Two weeks ago for the first time since that night.
And two things happened.
One, I realized, great movie.
Still totally holds up.
Very funny, very self-aware.
And two is that I immediately got rock hard
and came when it started. (audience laughs)
- Only good thing about winter is that it's cuffing season
and your girl was a cuffing season all star.
(audience laughs)
Because this is when my people,
and when I say my people, I mean fat.
(audience laughs)
And if a single one of you white women comes up
to me after this show going,
"You're not fat, you're beautiful."
*****, I know that.
(audience laughs)
One does not cancel out the other.
We've all seen ugly skinny people, quit ******* with me.
(audience laughs and applauds)
But this is a special time of year
where skinny chicks take a knee
because they can't keep anybody warm at night.
(audience laughs)
I've been on Pinterest stocking up recipes,
getting that Netflix cue ready.
We finna cuddle, okay?
Laying next to me with an electric blanket?
You'll never leave. (audience laughs)
- I grew up with the ****** up costume.
Do you remember in those days, that plastic ****** mask?
With that string in the back
just cutting through your ******* skull?
(audience laughs)
And then there was a little slit for you to breathe in
but you would only stick your tongue through it.
(audience laughs)
And they couldn't hear you say "trick or treat"?
"Trick or treat. (audience laughs)
Trick or treat.
Open the ******* door!"
- The trick or treating,
that would've been the ultimate, right?
Trick or treating could have been the ultimate thing.
But then your parents gotta give you that safety speech.
But I think that took some of the fun out of it.
You know, you're finally old enough
to go trick or treating by yourself,
and then they gotta give you that talk.
They go, "All right, son,
just go door to door and get the candy.
That's all you gotta do.
Just go get the candy, knock on the door,
go to the next house, get more candy, and it's all yours.
Gonna get to keep it all.
Have fun. Get lots of candy.
Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot to tell you, son.
Be careful, 'cause the candy might have razor blades in it."
(audience laughs)
Oh my God, what a horrible thing to tell an 18-year-old.
- I hate Halloween.
My favorite day is the day after Halloween
'cause that's when you see all the sexy girls
in the costumes doing the walk of shame back home.
I love it. (audience cheers)
'Cause a sexy kitten isn't sexy anymore.
You know, she's got a broken ear.
The sexy bunny is missing a tail.
They look like the abused pet commercials
from the Sarah McLaughlin, you know?
(audience cheers) (Cristela vocalizes)
This sexy cat lost its tail banging a pirate, you know?
(audience laughs and applauds)
- I haven't been able to live at my house for a month
because it's been infested with ghosts.
(audience laughs)
And I have told the landlord, he doesn't believe me.
I've talked to the superintendent, he told me to go to hell.
I've contacted everybody and nobody believes me.
But listen to this. I have proof.
What do I find behind the fridge?
Hmm.
Oh, I don't have a ghost problem?
What are these, huh? What are these?
Ghost poops. Ghost poops.
Behind the fridge.
I go under my bed.
Ghost poops all over the house!
There's ****, oh, I'm crazy?
I'm crazy? What are these?
What are these?
I ordered some ghost fighting equipment online.
It shows up in a giant box
that these ghosts are taking a **** in!
- My sex move of choice (audience laughs)
was called the maple syrup. (audience laughs)
It's when after making love to a girl,
you let her fall peacefully asleep
and you leave. (audience laughs)
You go outside to the woods behind your house
and you gather the buckets of maple sap
that's been collecting from the trees.
You then bring it inside
and boil it down on the stove,
extracting the hard sugars.
(audience laughs)
And then the next morning,
you serve it to her over a hot stack of buttermilk pancakes.
(audience laughs)
It's a lot of work but (audience laughs)
it's worth it.
- You ever meet someone, you're at a Thanksgiving dinner
or dinner, somebody says something, it's racist,
or it's sexist, or it's homophobic.
We don't wanna stop the dinner
and give them a 20 minute dissertation.
How can I say in three seconds I don't approve
of what's coming out of your dumb mouth?
So what you do is you ask how old they are.
You go, "How old are you?" (audience laughs)
And they're like, "Why are you the word police?"
Go, "No, no, no."
And then you sell it like a (beep) right?
You go, "No, no. I'm not the word police.
I hate people like that.
Say whatever you want, ugh.
I'm just saying, you say **** old people say, that's all.
But anyway, hey, could you pass the gravy?"
And they're like, "Oh, he's not even mad at me.
He just says I'm old. I hate it."
Yeah, and that's passive progressive
is what I like to call it. (audience laughs)
- I don't know if you guys have tried
to get a 20 something dude from a dating app
to wear a condom lately, but it's sort of like trying
to convince a five-year-old to put a jacket on
over his Halloween costume.
(audience laughs)
"Here, put this on for me."
"No! (audience laughs)
You're gonna ruin it! Ugh! (audience cheers)
You can't even see it." (audience laughs)
- So here's the story.
I'm just gonna put my leg up here to air my ***** out.
(audience laughs)
'Cause it's hot in here. (audience laughs)
So here's a story.
Believe it or not, I grew up Christian,
and I've come a long way.
(audience laughs)
One of my greatest needs in life
when I was eight years old was to celebrate Halloween.
And my family got saved and then all that **** stopped.
You know what I'm saying?
My grandmother found the Lord
and then we couldn't have candy
(audience laughs)
because that's how that **** go.
We would participate to try to appease people
but then it was just awkward, right?
Because my grandmother would give out
Bible Tracts instead of candy.
And if you don't know what Bible Tracts are,
those are the little cartoons
that tell you you're going to hell.
So they would TP our house.
It was a whole thing, then they said, "Okay,
let's start bunkering in and cut the lights off."
And still we was getting dead cats everywhere.
So, (audience laughs)
by the time I was eight years old
and I wanted to celebrate Halloween,
my grandmother disappeared,
'cause she was tired, you know what I mean?
I think she went to the mall and was like, "**** it."
You know what I mean? (audience laughs)
So I'm at home, it's me, my grandfather, and my aunt.
Now my aunt was one of my best friends growing up, okay?
Because she was very childlike.
I was a child, but she wasn't a child.
What happened is my grandmother had German measles
when she was carrying her.
So she had brain damage and hearing impairment, okay?
So there was a lot of developmental delays with her.
So we were sort of like on the same mental wave.
And she was one of my best friends growing up.
Now, I don't know who the **** laughed at that,
but **** you.
Now- (audience laughs)
Now what happened was, one year I was like,
"I gotta ******* do this Halloween ****
because time's getting up."
You know what I'm saying? My ******* are coming in.
I gotta do this **** now.
It's now or never. You know what I mean?
And I'm like, "My grandmother ain't here.
So now let me go hustle my grandfather."
'Cause my grandfather's an easy hustle.
First of all, he was only saved at the time
'cause my grandmother was saved.
And he knew that was the only way he could get *****.
You know what I mean?
So he's into the Lord now,
but then it was like, you know, we teetering on this thing.
(audience laughs)
So I went upstairs to ask him if I could go
and do a light trick or treat, you know what I mean?
And it was the perfect time to ask,
'cause he watched "60 Minutes" or sports and ****.
So if you ask him during "60 Minutes" or the sports,
you can do whatever the hell you want.
You can do coke. You know what I mean?
Kill cats. He don't care.
He'd say, "All right, go out side. (mumbles indistinctly)
I'm busy. Dan Rather's doing something."
"Okay, good. Thank you, Dan."
So I asked him, I said,
"Pop, I wanna do Halloween.
You know what I mean?
Lemme just, let's go out, me and Jackie.
We'll go out, she'll watch me.
We'll just go do a quick thing and come back."
"All right, all right, all right.
Don't tell your grandmother."
I said, "Okay."
He said, "Also, don't go around to the apartments."
Now here's the thing.
I grew up in an area, we had houses
and we had these apartments that came, you know,
years and years later.
Now you couldn't go to the apartments 'cause
they was doing crack and **** over there at the apartments.
They didn't want you to go over the apartments and have fun.
So, you know what I mean? (audience laughs)
So I said, "Okay, we won't do it.
We'll just go house to house and we'll come back."
Now we didn't have any costumes, all right?
So I asked my grandfather
if we could borrow a shirt or something.
He didn't wanna give up a shirt.
So he gave us, you know, little black trash bags
you put leaves in when you rake up ****.
(audience laughs)
And he put those on us and cut the eyes out.
We looked, me and my aunt looked like we was ***** ghosts.
So, you know, like. (audience laughs)
But we're not gonna argue 'cause we going outside, you know?
(audience laughs)
So he's like, "All right,
make sure you don't go around the apartments.
Just walk around in the house."
I said, "Okay, perfect."
And I was like, this is the perfect thing,
'cause we are the most dynamic duo.
I, a hustler, clearly, getting Halloween.
In the body of a child, but the mind of a hustler.
My aunt in the body of an adult,
but a childlike mind, you know what I'm saying?
We was like a ***** Transformer.
So (audience laughs)
now we go around, we going trick or treat, trick or treat.
Now trick or treat started to become boring
on my side of the area
because all these people are giving out like peppermints,
butterscotch, you know I want the good ****.
But you can't get that **** at the houses
with these bougie ******,
they trying to do the uppity ****, you know what I mean?
So I'm like, "I gotta get around these apartments."
And then I start hearing other kids say, "Oh,
there's a man over at the apartments giving out IOUs."
(audience laughs)
And I was like, "****, we gotta go over there,"
because that's like two days of Halloween to kids.
He giving out IOUs.
We go back the next day, more candy.
(audience laughs)
So I was like, "****, how we gonna get over
to these apartments?
'Cause I ain't supposed to go."
And here's the thing about my aunt.
Sometimes when people have a developmental problem,
you put them on one thing and they know not to do it,
they won't do it.
So she know we can't go over to the apartments.
So I'm trying to get her to go to the apartment.
She's like, "Well, we can't do it."
And I'm like, "No, we gotta go."
And she said, "No, Papa said don't go."
So only thing I knew to tell her was that Grandma told us
to go look for Jesus at the apartments, okay?
So I said, "Jesus over at the apartments
let's go over the apartments and find the Lord for Grandma.
Okay?" So then she was on board.
We get over to the apartments.
Oh my god, it was a heaven, okay?
They got the best candy.
Crack heads always had the best candy
because they need something to cut they high,
you know what I mean?
So they had like Boston Chews,
they had them little packs of cigarettes,
remember the little candy cigarettes?
I thought I was a pimp.
I'm walking around smoking and puffing cigarettes,
going door to door, "Trick or treat.
What's up, *****? Gimme something in my bag."
You know what I mean? (audience laughs)
Hustling, gimme a little something.
And we decide now we gonna save the man
with the IOUs for last.
So we go get all the candy.
Finally towards the end of the night,
we go up to the guy's house that got the IOUs.
I said, "All right, we gonna get these IOUs,
gonna come back tomorrow.
We gonna have another day of Halloween."
(audience laughs)
We get up there and say, "Trick or treat."
This guy take a look at us.
He said, "All right, I got,
see you trick or treat, what's up?"
I said, "You know what's up.
(audience laughs)
You know what the hell, we want these IOUs."
He took a look, I mean he looked us up and down.
"Hold on a second, I got something for y'all."
He went back in his apartment, he come out a minute later,
he got in a little bag, some candy corn that he gave us.
First of all, I can't stand candy corn, okay?
And number two, **** your candy corn.
I want some IOUs. All right?
I want another day of Halloween.
I said, "Listen sir, nothing against your candy,
but I want your IOUs."
He said, "I don't have no more IOUs."
I said, "What the hell you mean you ain't got no more IOUs?"
Now I didn't say hell, but I was tight about it,
you know what I mean? (audience laughs)
It's simple to write an IOU.
Go on in and get a piece of paper and a pencil
and write IOU, it's very simple.
Matter of fact, I'll go back home and get some paper
and a pencil and write it for you yourself.
You can just hand it to us. You understand?"
(audience laughs)
He said, "No, no, no. I'm out of it.
Try again next year."
I said, "All right."
I said, "You know what, man, forget you, man."
We went back to the house.
I was so disappointed.
I said, "**** that."
So I go to school the next day,
I'm walking to the bus stop,
and all these kids talking about,
"Yeah, we about to go get us another day of Halloween.
We got our IOUs."
And I'm like, "****, I ain't got no IOU."
But whatever, **** it. You know what I'm saying?
I got my candy. (audience laughs)
I was disappointed the whole **** day.
I come back home, my grandfather's waiting outside.
Now here's the thing about my grandfather.
He never put clothes on no matter what, okay?
(audience laughs)
So he's standing out in the driveway with his slippers on
and his underwear,
looking crazy as hell.
(audience laughs)
"Get in his house."
And I was like, "Oh ****, what's going on?"
"I said get in his house right now."
I go in the house, I said, "Oh ****, maybe Jackie told
that we ran to these **** apartments."
But I don't know where she is
to eyeball her to see if she spilled the beans.
So I'm trying to kind of hold myself together.
So I get in the kitchen
and he got my crayon set sitting there
and he got a piece of paper
and he's drawing two stick figures on a piece of paper.
He said, "I want you to look at this paper.
You see this?"
I said, "Yeah, I see it."
He said, "You see that?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "This is a girl and this is a boy.
I'ma tell you about the birds and the bees."
I said, "Okay."
"Don't let a man put his this in your that.
You hear what I said?
Don't you let no man put his this and in your that."
And I was like, "All right.
I don't know, who's this man?
I don't know what's going," you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs) You know what I mean?
Like already I don't ******* got no Halloween IOU ****,
and now I got to hear this ****
about some this and **** that, okay?"
So I said, "All right, all right."
He said, "I'm telling you this
because did you go around them apartments yesterday?
Did you go around to them apartments?"
And I said, "No sir, I did not."
Now I'm lying because I don't know.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, let me see what's up.
I said, "No, I did not go to the apartments."
He said, "You sure?
You didn't go around them apartments yesterday?"
I said, "All right, listen, I did.
But it was all fine. Okay?
We came back,
you see I'm standing in front of you right now.
Fine."
He said, "No, it's not fine.
The cops was over there today.
They said there was a man out there giving out IOUs.
(audience laughs)
Over there trying to touch little kids.
And that's why I told you not to go over there.
Now did he try to give you an IOU?"
(audience laughs)
I said, "No, I went to the man's house
and he gave me and Jackie a **** bag of candy corn."
(audience laughs)
What the **** was wrong with me?
(audience laughs)
Right?
Me and my handicap aunt,
we was a perfect pedophile paradise.
What the ****? (audience laughs)
What the ****, okay?
And that, ladies and gentlemen,
was the first time I was rejected by a man.
(audience laughs)
Thank you.
(audience cheers) (upbeat music)