[upbeat music]
[patriotic music]
July 4th.
It's that glorious day when we celebrate
America's independence from Great Britain.
And it's also my birthday.
I said, it's my birthday.
[confetti pops]
And if y'all gimme donuts again, I'm gonna hurt somebody.
But despite that, there are Black folks out there,
who have a complicated relationship with the 4th of July.
You know, because of all the slavery,
and segregation and redlining and police brutality.
And Megan Thee Stallion not getting
the respect she deserves.
And I get that.
But did you know that there was a time,
when July 4th was a very Black holiday?
In fact, there was a time when America thought
Black people celebrated July 4th a little too much.
Here's the story.
Before the Civil War, Independence Day was a day
for white people to celebrate by parading
around town and getting wasted on cheap foods.
It was basically a Patriots game for the original Patriots.
But for the growing anti-slavery movement, July 4th
was a shameful day that represented America's hypocrisy,
because how you gonna celebrate freedom,
when you're chaining up millions of people?
That's like Britney Spear's dad throwing a party,
because he can write his own checks.
And no one expressed this anger better,
than Frederick Douglass.
In a speech he gave on July 4th, 1852,
where he told white Americans that,
"the existence of slavery in this country
brands your republicanism as a sham,
your humanity as a base pretense,
and your Christianity as a lie."
Damn, that was a read straight from the Library of Congress.
I would've been like, yeah,
and your wigs look goofy as fuck,
your petty coats smell like horse balls,
and your wood teeth got termites.
Mhmm, with your old dying of consumption ass.
Mhmm, I know gout when I see it.
[gunshot blasts]
But then the Civil War happened, ooh.
And it completely flipped the script on July 4th,
especially in the South.
Because now Black people can actually celebrate freedom.
And white Southerners were in no move
to celebrate the Independence Day of a country
that had just whooped their asses.
So suddenly Independence Day became an almost exclusively
Black holiday in the former Confederacy.
Black people had picnics, they watched fireworks.
They recited the Emancipation Proclamation,
and the 13th Amendment, which sounds like fun,
except for reading all those documents.
I dunno, maybe if they put like a beat to it or something.
[upbeat music]
♪ Neither the slavery, nor involuntary servitude ♪
♪ Except as a punishment for crimes ♪
♪ Whereof the party shall have been duly convicted ♪
♪ Shall exist within the United States ♪
Now, it's no surprise that racist whites
didn't like Black people celebrating
their freedom from racist whites.
So they decided the party had to stop.
Starting in the 1870s,
white mobs began attacking Black gatherings on July 4th,
and soon state legislatures passed laws banning
celebrations near black neighborhoods,
pushing parades out of city limits,
and even forbidding street vendors
from setting up food stalls in Black areas.
Do you know how racist you have to be,
to want less funnel cake?
Basically these racist lawmakers
were the original barbecue Becky.
And stopping Black celebrations was just
one part of their century long struggle,
against Black freedom and racial justice.
So I don't know about you, but this July 4th,
I'll be celebrating Independence Day,
as hard as I celebrate Juneteenth,
as a day of freedom for all Americans.
Not just because it's fun, but also it's because I get
to piss off all those dead racists,
watching from hell. [cackles]
And also cause it's my birthday!
Now gimme all that funnel cake.
Happy Independulce Day, everybody!
[kiss smacks]
[upbeat music]
You know, the best way to avoid traffic,
is to leave early, uh-uh.
Leave late.
[audience laughs]
[Trevor] Oh, you mean like, like like 8:00 PM, 9:00 PM?
I'm talking about for July 4th travel,
you should leave July 10th.
[audience laughs]
Leave late.
-No, Roy. -Leave late.
-Yeah okay, fine. -Late, late.
Yeah, but then you missed the traffic,
but you also missed July 4th.
Like the hot dogs, the fireworks, you miss it all.
Yeah, you miss all of that, but you also miss sitting
on your ass in the car for three and a half hours.
[audience laughs]
You miss the traffic, too, that's the beauty of it.
[Trevor] You miss July 4th!
What are you missing, with July 4th, what you missin'?
-What you missin'? -What, like the hotdog?
What, the hotdog, this is America.
Every day we eat a hotdog and try to blow up some shit.
This July 4th is just a reason to do
what we was already doing.
People was popping fireworks in the hood,
where I grew up all the time.
[audience laughs]
Fireworks and barbecue is a regular occurrence.
[Trevor] No, Roy, no.
This is not something new, man.
Okay, missed July 4th, to escape July 4th traffic.
All right, that's...
That's a tip.
[audience laughs]
It's a damn good tip!
[upbeat music]
The 4th of July, that time of year when Americans
who don't watch MSNBC celebrate the nation's birthday.
But no matter who you are, every American loves
to celebrate in the stupidest way possible,
by blowing shit up.
[fireworks pop]
Yeah, I'm talking about fireworks.
It's a tradition that goes back to when the founding fathers
filled the liberty bell with M80s,
which is how it got that crack.
Look it up.
But believe it or not, setting off bombs for fun,
can also be dangerous.
And most people are too stupid to realize it.
[fireworks hissing]
[Reporter] According to the CPSC, in 2018,
more than 9,000 were injured in fireworks related incidents.
The majority in a 30 day period, around July 4th.
[Reporter] The UPMC, Mercy Burns Center,
the Burn Prevention Network,
and the city of Pittsburgh partnered up to show
just how dangerous fireworks can really be.
[Man] 3, 2, 1.
[watermelon pops]
Watch what happens to this child mannequin,
who's holding mortar rounds.
The kind of mortar rounds you can buy at a fireworks stand,
in many states, watch what happens when we light the fuse.
It takes about six seconds for him to get out
of the way, and the blast can be significant.
[firework blasts]
Okay, look, if little Timmy over here is dumb enough,
to tape fireworks to his hands,
then he probably wasn't gonna survive that long anyway.
But he's not alone.
Fireworks are basically a trap,
that humans fall for every year.
It seems like a great idea, oh wow.
Colors in the sky.
Next thing you know,
you're learning how to brush your teeth with your feet.
By the way, can we leave watermelons out of this?
I feel like half the global crop gets wasted
on these stupid safety videos.
I mean, if you're gonna blow up a fruit,
at least do the world a favor and go with a honeydew.
That shit's disgusting.
Now, it would be bad enough,
if people were just burning themselves with fireworks,
but part of this tradition is burning everything else too.
[Reporter] Fireworks season,
is the most stressful for firefighters.
According to the most recent data,
from the National Fire Protection Association,
fireworks were to blame for an estimated 19,500 fires
reported to local fire departments nationwide, in 2018.
The National Safety Council says fireworks are to blame,
for, get this, more than 18,000 acres,
worth of wildfires each year,
including 1,300 structure fires, 300 vehicle fires,
and nearly 17,000 other fires.
And the Department of Forestry and Fire Management
goes so far to say fireworks should never be used,
regardless of the time of year.
Okay, you know, your celebration of America is stupid,
when it looks exactly like a terrorist attack on America.
There shouldn't be this much overlap,
between an ISIS operation and your family barbecue.
Fireworks are causing 18,000 acres of wildfires every year.
That's messed up for the environment,
and it's also not fair, okay?
No way I'm gonna keep drinking through a paper straw,
while some guy's Roman candle,
is burning down the last redwood tree.
And the thing about fireworks is that,
even when they work like they're supposed to,
they're basically tortured devices,
for the only thing stupider than humans.
Dogs.
This 4th of July holiday,
roughly one pound of fireworks will be set off,
for every man, woman, and child in America.
And around the country,
there will be thousands of dogs freaking out about it.
The sounds of the explosions,
and the vibrations can really spook your pooch.
[Reporter] We found videos all over social media,
of dogs freaking out.
This giant pooch is terrified by loud fireworks,
and needs to be cuddled to calm down.
This poor little guy found a strange place
to hide, climbing into the fridge.
[Dog Owner] Are you afraid of the fireworks?
[Reporter] A similar scene at this household,
as a dog find sanctuary in the dryer.
Good luck in there, Fido.
If you think fireworks are scary,
wait until someone bumps into the permanent press button.
But look at what fireworks have done to our dogs.
These things used to be wolves and now they're in therapy.
And if you think I'm exaggerating, look at this.
[Narrator] Todd hates fireworks,
almost as much as Max hates fireworks.
Adaptil is clinically proven,
to help dogs cope around fireworks time.
Find out more at Adaptil.com.
Yeah, they had to put actual pharmaceutical research,
into solving canine firework anxiety.
We could have had a cure for cancer by now,
if you weren't launching service
to air missiles in your backyard.
And as much as this is messing with dogs,
who I really feel bad for is birds.
Dogs are getting designer drugs to help them relax.
Meanwhile, birds up in the sky dodging rainbow balls of fire
and nobody gives a shit because they can't play fetch.
So fireworks are dangerous,
they're destructive, and they're ruining our dogs.
But luckily, there's one piece of good news,
this 4th of July.
America's facing yet another shortage.
This one might affect your 4th of July.
The fireworks industry is warning,
the supply ahead of Independence Day will be down about 30%,
because of supply chain issues.
Shoppers can expect the more limited selection,
higher prices, or empty shelves.
Thank you, broken supply chain.
I know you finally pay off one day.
All those months of wiping my with printer paper,
were worth it.
So yeah, fewer morons than usual
will be able to buy fireworks this year.
And the ones that do will be paying extra,
for the opportunity to blow their fingers off.
And if you ask me, that's something worth celebrating.
[fireworks squealing]
Oh, shut the fuck up!
[upbeat music]